Huge breath and even bigger leap of faith!

I have been waiting for a week, two weeks maybe to post that I started this blog. I guess I have waited because we haven't officially done anything with LDS Family Services because we can't until next month when Roman turns one. I think part of it is that I am scared. I feel like I am jumping off a cliff again. I can't tell if there is a bottom, and it's scary. I feel so much different than I did the first time though. The first time I didn't know what to expect. This time I do (a tiny bit, even though it can be so different every time). Last time I was scared to tell anyone that we were adopting, this time I want everyone who will listen to know! I am also scared that I won't know what to do with TWO children. I know that if it is supposed to happen, it will, I was scared how I would handle one, Heavenly Father really has taken care of our family!

We had originally planned to wait until Roman was 18 months old to turn in adoption paperwork for a second adoption. I love where we are at. I love watching Roman grow and learn things, and I was content to wait. Unfortunately, after a few weeks of this gnawing feeling, I finally talked to Spencer and he had the same feeling. We need to get things started again. Why? We don't know! For all we know it could take 3 years again, but we know that we are doing everything that we can and it's out of our hands. We know that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family, and we are doing what he asked us to do, and he will take care of us. (Please someone remind me of this when I get worried about this all later!)

So if any of you out there know of anyone who is thinking of placing a baby for adoption, or if you feel like posting a box on your blog so others can see our information. We won't have anything done officially for probably a month and a half but I have had this feeling all day that says "get with the program, you have the blog done (mostly), get it posted!" So here's to following promptings, or the spirit, or whatever this may be. I am sure my stomach will be in knots now for weeks because I made the jump but like I said, we are just doing what we can and leaving the rest in the Lord's hands!

Placement

I recently read my blog and realized I never finished telling our adoption story. I decided as we are approaching Roman's first birthday that I should complete our story as we are preparing to begin our next adventure.

As I mentioned a few months ago, we were able to somehow (I know that we had heavenly help) make it before Roman was born. I forgot to mention, while I was in the room when Roman was born, Spencer had to wait in the waiting room. He was pacing the halls as much as he was waiting in the waiting room. Finally after about an hour Spencer was able to come into the room and see Roman for the first time.

It was after 11:00 pm when Spencer was finally able to see Roman. We left the hospital around midnight to go find our hotel. Thursday we were able to go see Katie and Roman in the hospital for about an hour, but we tried to let that be her day with him.

Because Roman was born so late (9:43 pm) the doctors said Katie would either be released Thursday night (late) or Friday morning. She chose Friday morning to give herself a little more time to heal, and a little more time with Roman.

Friday morning I felt so many emotions. I think time slowed down that morning. 10:00 felt like it was never going to get there. As we were getting ready to leave for the hospital Katie's caseworker, Jason, called us and asked if we would bring an outfit for Roman because he had already made a mess in the one Katie had for him. We met Jason in the hospital lobby to fill out foster care paperwork and to give him Roman's clothes. (The state Roman was born in requires 72 hours before a birthmother can relinquish parental rights, so until then we would be his foster parents.)

We waited while Jason went up to see Katie and to give her the clothes for Roman. We went in and took a few pictures then stepped out to give Katie a chance to feed Roman and just so that she was able to spend a few more minutes alone with him.


We all walked down to the lobby together Katie, Roman and I waited in the lobby while Spencer and Katie's mom went to get the cars. We walked out of the hospital together. Katie gave Roman another kiss, Katie and I hugged and I thanked her, then we followed each other to the freeway, they went one direction, we went the other.


We had official placement at the LDS Family Services office Sunday morning. We met at the agency. Katie was already there and had already signed her paperwork. We went in and signed paperwork then went into the conference room and visited with Katie and her mom. We sat and visited for about 30-45 minutes but felt bad that we were making them work on a Sunday so we left the agency and went to Cheesecake Factory for lunch.


I realized at that lunch that Katie would always be a part of our lives. She made me a mother, and for that I am eternally thankful. Roman made her a birthmother, and we hope that she will always be a huge part of his life as she is now!

Happy Mother's Day

I posted this on Roman's blog for Mother's Day but decided that I wanted to repost it here as well.

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.
And now you ask me, through your tears,
the age-old question unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love.

© Author Unknown

Mother's Day Talk

Some of you may (or may not) wonder what was up with all the articles that I posted about being a mother. Well, I really did just love them and want to share them, but the reason I was even looking was because I was asked to speak on Mother's Day in our ward. I wanted to say the right things. I wanted to honor mothers, but not focus on how great it is to be a mother because those were the talks that hurt me so much when I was childless.

I was surprised this week how hard it was for me to approach Mother's day. I realized that 7 years of pain doesn't just go away over night. It was still there, but not just for me now. I was really hurting for Katie. I wanted to make this a special year for her, but at the same time I didn't want to rub it in her face. I wanted her to know how much we love her, but how do you say that?

I was hurting for the childless mother's around us. I am so much more aware of these women since starting to do adoption advocacy, my heart just aches for these women.

My heart hurts for the birthmother's of closed adoptions.

Lastly I thought of the sweet babies that I never met and all the other sweet little angels that so many other women have not been able to hold.

I prayed more than I have ever prayed over writing a talk and re-wrote my talk probably 5 times in the last 2 weeks. I still feel like it was a bit of a jumbled mess. . .but here is my talk in all it's glory.

I was asked to speak today about the joy of motherhood, but also on the journey that we took for me to become a mother.

I found a few amazing talks that really shared how I feel. First is by President Thomas S Monson from a conference address in April 1998. He says:

It may safely be assumed that no person has ever lived entirely free of suffering and tribulation, nor has there ever been a period in human history that did not have its full share of turmoil, ruin, and misery.

When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn, there is the temptation to ask the question “Why me?” Self-incrimination is a common practice, even when we may have had no control over our difficulty. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end, no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea “Is there no balm in Gilead?” We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone.

To all who so despair, may I offer the assurance found in the psalm “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”

As most of you know Roman is the answer to so many prayers. He is the joy that came in the morning for us. Over the past 7 years, I can now say that the weeping only did endure for a night and Roman is such a joy, but I felt many of the feelings that President Monson expressed. There were so many times that I thought “Why me?”

I think almost every woman dreams of being a mother. I had always dreamt of having a family. We bought our house after we had been married about 6 months and a few months later I was ready to have children. Unfortunately it wasn’t that simple for us. After about 4 years of heartache I felt exactly what President Monson said surrounded by pain of a broken heart, disappointed by shattered dreams, despair of vanished hopes, and most of all broken.

Thankfully President Monson continued with his talk. He said:

Whenever we are inclined to feel burdened down with the blows of life, let us remember that others have passed the same way, have endured, and then have overcome.

There seems to be an unending supply of trouble for one and all. Our problem is that we often expect instantaneous solutions, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required.

From the bed of pain, from the pillow wet with tears, we are lifted heavenward by that divine assurance and precious promise “I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who had a plan for me and my family. He did not fail me. I just wish he would have told me a little sooner that he had a plan for our family and he was taking care of things on his time.

I am so thankful for the gift of adoption. It has mended broken hearts, repaired shattered dreams, and we again have hope for a bright future with a beautiful boy who blesses our life so much every day.


Elder Russell M Nelson gave another great talk in October 1987 he said:

For you childless sisters and those without companions, remember the eternal timetable of the Lord is much longer than the lonely hours of your preparation or the total of this mortal life. These are only as microseconds when compared to eternity. Your willingness and worthiness are surely known to Him. The spiritual rewards of motherhood are available to all women. Nurturing the young, comforting the frightened, protecting the vulnerable, teaching and giving encouragement need not—and should not—be limited to our own children.

There are so many opportunities that we have to nurture children, even if they are not our own. There are women whose husbands are in the bishopric or don't come to church that need help with little ones. I've seen childless mothers reach out to them during sacrament. These women can be good examples of what children in the ward can grow up to be...good wives, successful career women, or caring people (or all 3!).

These women can magnify their callings... in young womens, primary, scouting, or achievement days. We can also be examples to nieces, nephews, cousins.

Elder Nelson continued: Sisters, be patient. I know something of the pressures you feel. Your kitchens are too small. Your budgets are too tight. Demands upon you exceed your capacity to help all who cry out to you. Through it all, “Improve the shining moments; Don’t let them pass you by” (Hymns, 1985, no. 226). Take time for spiritual regeneration.

I’ll share a few lines that have sustained Sister Nelson through the years. They also reflect her sense of priority:

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait ’til tomorrow.
For babies grow up, We’ve learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby, And babies don’t keep.

I’m glad Sister Nelson has not tried to be a “supermom.” But she has been a “soothing” mom. This she has done simply by being herself.

When priorities are in place, one can more patiently tolerate unfinished business. “Time flies on wings of lightning; We cannot call it back” (Hymns, 1985, no. 226). And while it passes, remember the precious eternal perspective. As you faithfully endure to the end, you will gain rewards promised by your Father in Heaven.

I had never heard the poem that Elder Nelson shared but it is so true. Roman is almost a year old already. Sometimes I look at him and I can’t believe how big he is. Where did the tiny baby go? “time flies on the wings of lightning; we cannot call it back.” I have learned that I need to take every moment I can to spend with Roman because he won’t be little for long. Dishes will wait, they won’t go anywhere; laundry can sit for a few minutes. Now I am not encouraging you to neglect your homes, I am just saying sometimes it is okay to take time for little ones.

I would like to end with a few words from Sheri Dew from the October 2001 conference.

When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman’s most sacred role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living” —and they did so before she ever bore a child…Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.

The subject of motherhood is a very tender one, for it evokes some of our greatest joys and heartaches. This has been so from the beginning. Eve was “glad” after the Fall, realizing she otherwise “never should have had seed.” And yet, imagine her anguish over Cain and Abel. Some mothers experience pain because of the children they have borne; others feel pain because they do not bear children here. About this Elder John A. Widtsoe was explicit: “Women who through no fault of their own cannot exercise the gift of motherhood directly, may do so vicariously.”

For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led.

As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation. How will our young women learn to live as women of God unless they see what women of God look like, meaning what we wear, watch, and read; how we fill our time and our minds; how we face temptation and uncertainty; where we find true joy; and why modesty and femininity are hallmarks of righteous women? How will our young men learn to value women of God if we don’t show them the virtue of our virtues?