Running the race

I have never been a runner, but for some reason lately with everyone talking about the races they are preparing for I have been thinking a lot about running. Even considering it, which is huge for me, believe me.

I have been starting to think of my life as a race.

A marathon if you will.

You run and run and put everything you can into it. Then you get that little surge, you remember why you are doing this, how exciting it is, and just when you think you can't give anything more, you see the finish line. You start running harder, faster.

Finally you get to the line, exhausted but so happy that you made it. Then you find out that you are not actually at the end. This is a two lap race. It seems like the cruelest joke. You want to just sit down and cry. But you HAVE to finish.

You start to become a little resentful, why would they do that to do? Why wouldn't they tell you in the beginning that you have a second lap? You aren't angry at anyone in particular just the situation. You still love the journey, you are still glad that you are on it, and when you see the finish line the second time, it is that much more amazing because you didn't know if you could make it, and there you are standing there, basking in the glory of completing something so important to you.

I hope that I feel that way when we reach the finish line.

I have had more than once that I have wanted to sit down and say "I'm done, I give up." I wish that there weren't so many trees and I could see the end now, it would make it so much easier to keep going.

I know though that there is a finish line, the race is just a little longer than I expected, but we just have to keep going.

The perfect gift

Have you ever received a gift that you have always wanted but never knew. I got just that gift today. A couple weeks ago Katie told me she was working on a surprise, a huge surprise. She kept giving me clues but I had no idea, NO IDEA what it was. I started thinking of things, but this exceeded my wildest dreams.

Katie told me yesterday that it should be here today. I was seriously SO EXCITED when I heard the doorbell ring. I tore open the package and found the most amazing book. Not just any book, a book with all the e-mails that Katie and I sent to each other from the very first e-mail until our sealing.

It is probably one of the most amazing gifts. I spent hours today re-reading e-mails. So many things I had forgotten. I forgot how easy our e-mails were, literally from the very first e-mail. I forgot how much fun we had writing e-mails. I forgot how nervous I was and how amazing Katie was at reassuring us from the very beginning. I also forgot how hard it was when Roman was a newborn. I forgot how many e-mails we had sent. The book is almost 300 pages (I have read over 200 so far) and the last page is my very favorite.

It says:
"This book contains our beginning

But there really is no end, when an eternal family is made.

Let's hope friendships are also eternal. If so we've got many more letters to come . . .

August 15, 2009
Katie"

This was the perfect gift! I honestly love it. It is so special to me now, and I can't wait until Roman is old enough and I hope it is just as special to him. Thank you Katie, you are amazing! It's the perfect gift I never knew I always wanted!

Thankful Thursday - A day late

Yesterday was crazy, today will be too, but before the craziness gets out of hand I wanted to make sure I took a little time to remember something else that I have to be thankful for.

Today I am thankful for sisters. Today is my sister Marla's birthday so I thought it would be fitting to talk about my sisters.

(My sister Marla)

Growing up it was fun with 5 girls in the house (There is one brother too, but I thought I would just talk about my sisters today). Just imagine, before my parents added on to their house, we had 4 bedrooms and 1 and 1/2 bathrooms. Before the addition we always had to share a bedroom and I think that is part of why we are so close. When I was 13 my parents added on to their house adding another bathroom, a bigger family room, turned the one family room into bedrooms, just making it more usable for a big family.

(My family 1988)

My sisters are some of my best friends. Like I mentioned today is Marla's birthday, she is turning 22. She is my baby sister and you would think that being so much younger we wouldn't be as close. Untrue, we have always been close. I remember I think it was her 8th birthday I picked her up from elementary school and we went to the dollar theater to see "While you were Sleeping." We are still very close, we are actually going to the zoo today for her birthday!

(Me, Brenda and Marla - San Diego 2002)

My older sister, Janeene and I worked together at Shopko for a few years when we were in high school. We were frequently mistaken for twins (which is funny because I don't think we look that much alike!) Janeene is always so busy we don't get to go do things with her family much but Roman loves her little boy Jaren because he is the only male cousin on my side of the family. Janeene seriously does everything, primary president, works full time, 3 kids (this is an old picture, she has another daughter) I honestly don't know how she keeps up with everything. She is amazing!

(Janeene and her family 2007)

I am the second in my family.

My sister just younger than me, Becky is probably the person I talk to the most aside from Spencer. Becky has 2 little girls that Roman thinks should be here every day. Becky and I have been very close almost our entire lives. In high school we were ALWAYS mistaken for twins, and still occasionally get that. One of my neighbors actually came up and talked to Becky about some work they were having done in their yard thinking it was me! In high school we had one class together and everyone was convinced we were twins. We had one friend in the class that knew that we weren't and we told him to tell everyone we were just sisters, instead he said "Yeah, they're twins." For Becky's 18th birthday we decided to go to Disneyland, just the two of us. It was such a fun trip. Even now, we do so many things with Becky and her girls, we are going to miss them so much when they move to Hawaii!!!!

(Becky and her family 2007)

My last sister (to mention, she isn't the youngest, but I already talked about Marla because it was her birthday) is Brenda. Brenda is also a dental assistant and for about 2 years we worked together in the pediatric dental office. We would drive to work together which gave us a chance to talk every day (at least every day that we worked.) Now that I am not working she is actually working at an office right by our house and she will call me to see if we have had lunch yet and if we want to have lunch with her. Usually this means that she just brings lunch to me while Roman is sleeping. It's always a nice treat to have lunch with a sister though.

I am so thankful that I have a big family with so many sisters. We always used to say that there are enough that if you are fighting with one there is always someone else to play with. Now it's pretty much just that there is always someone to play with (and to help with things, and to talk to)

(This is my entire family minus one brother-in-law July 2009)

(This is the entire family 2007, missing one new niece who was born in November 2008)

Thankful Thursday

I almost forgot that it was Thursday!

I have been working on turning Roman's blog from his second year into a book. It has given me a chance to remember all the amazing things that we have done in the past year. I look at pictures from just one year ago and I forget how little he was and how much he has learned and grown up this past year.

So today I am thankful for Roman.

I am thankful for the opportunity I have to be his mommy. I am thankful for the light he brings to my days. I know I was thankful for him last week too (with adoption) but I decided I wanted to still take the time today to talk just about him.

I am thankful for his inquisitive nature, and for the opportunity he gives me to grow by teaching him. I am thankful for the hugs he gives me just when I need them. I am thankful that he has started throwing his arms around my neck and telling me he loves me.

The biggest thing I am thankful for today, Roman learned to spell his first word. Oh I could just about burst with pride. My cute little boy's first word that he can spell is M-O-M! He knows the beginning of his name because it's similar to Mom, and he knows that his name starts with an R.

What blessings he brings to our family. I can not thank Heavenly Father enough for bringing him to our family. He is my sunshine.

More thoughts on Thankful Thursday

I was doing my hair in a quiet house as Roman sleeps. I was thinking about all the things that I want to be thankful for in my Thankful Thursday post. I realized there are so many things that I take for granted as I look at others and think of everything I don't have.

Sometimes I think we get to a point that we forget that we have blessings because we start to take them for granted. I always dismiss that I have a nice house because we have worked so hard and there were so many circumstances that fell into place. We are still working to make it nice, I forget to be thankful that we have a house. I forget to be thankful that I am able to be a stay at home mom. I do take it for granted. I forget that we have been able to take some amazing trips because it has become part of our life.

I find myself instead looking at others thinking "sure I might have an okay house, but look they have five beautiful children, why couldn't I be blessed with over fertility." Or "Sure we have Roman and he's smart, but he sure is a handful." He is a handful, but I wouldn't want him any other way. We do have a nice house, and if we hadn't struggled with fertility issues we wouldn't be where we are today.

I am learning more and more how far from perfect I am, I do covet others, and I truly am working on it. I am trying to be thankful for what I have, that is the exact reason I started my Thankful Thursdays, more for me than for anyone else. We do have a good life, and just because our life is not exactly as we would have planned it, and there are things that we have done that are not perfect, we do have a good life.

As I mentioned last week, I have one of the most amazing husbands in the world (at least I think he is!). As I mentioned today, we have a beautiful, beautiful, smart, amazing, funny little boy. We have his mommy Katie who has been a huge part of our family. And as I mentioned earlier, those failed adoptions are still helping to make me a better person. I am far from perfect, and I still struggle. It's hard to accept struggling to get pregnant, then to stay pregnant, then moving on to adopt. It does take a toll on you. I think one of the lessons Heavenly Father is trying to teach me is that he is in charge, he does have a plan, even if it's not MY plans. I just need to hand things over to Him. Alone I can make a mess of things, but with his help, he makes rough waters smooth and calms my fears. I am still afraid, I do still have insecurities but I have to remember that I am not in charge. I just need to be thankful for the blessings that I have in my life and leave the rest in His hands.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for adoption. This past weekend was the National FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) conference. I have not been looking forward to it the entire time. In fact I finally registered so late that I bought RIGHT before ticket sales closed. Literally days before the conference began.

I am so thankful that because of the blessings of adoption I am able to be a mother, something I wondered if I would ever become. As we started the adoption process they said that we would gain a testimony of adoption. I thought that sounded so strange, but I have truly gained a testimony of adoption. I know that Roman was supposed to be a part of our family. We were just extra blessed because we gained more than just a child. We were blessed with an amazing birthmother as well.

Not only have we been blessed by having Roman enter our home, but we have been blessed by the failed adoptions too. I know that may sound even more kooky than the testimony of adoption but it's true. I don't think ever allowing your heart to open up and love another human being is ever bad for you. Sure it opens your heart up for hurt at times, but it also helps it to grow. Our hearts truly have grown through this process.

I have seen the blessings that adoption has brought to so many families. Families that are now eternal families. I have seen how adoption has not only blessed our family, but it has changed me in a real and profound way. I have learned that I have to think of others before myself, not just because I have a child, but because I realized that during those last few weeks before Roman was born we really learned that we had to love Katie, before ourselves, before Roman, before anything else, Katie was the most important person (She is still right up there!). If we hadn't realized that, I don't know if we would have the relationship with Katie that we have.

I am so thankful that we have an open adoption. We had the opportunity to have Katie stay with us for the weekend to go to the conference also. What an incredible blessing. It opened my eyes to hear all the stories and experiences. I realized that every single adoption is different, every experience is different but there is strength in numbers. Just to have the opportunity to talk to other birthmothers, to hear their testimonies was amazing. To hear birthfathers talk about their love for their children was inspiring. And to hear about these families that have gone out and opened the community and the worlds eyes to adoption. I hope they are able to continue to put adoption in a positive light.

Adoption is amazing, it really is about love!