In continuing my story, I thought I would tell some of the details that I usually don't share. I think other birth moms in particular will relate and appreciate these details.
I remember the day of my first doctor’s appointment. It was strange being there because I was still in partial denial. Right up until the ultrasound I still had the tiniest hope in the back of my mind that I wasn’t really pregnant. When I filled out the paperwork about my medical history, I put a big line through all the questions about the father of the baby. I wasn’t interested in making him part of this in any way, even on paper. Later I realized it probably looked like I crossed the questions out because I didn’t know that information….but I didn’t really care. That was my way of being in control of the situation. I met my doctor for the first time and she did the first ultrasound. It was there in that tiny dark room that it finally sunk in that the little bean on the tv screen was, in fact, a baby. This was really happening. No more denial. The worst part about that day was the bag the nurse gave me before I left. The diaper bag filled with samples of formula and vitamins, a pacifier and a baby bottle…. Just looking at those things was painful. I remember looking at the bottle and wishing so badly that this was happening in the right way, that I was happily having my first baby as I had always dreamed about, but not like this. When I got home I shoved the diaper bag into the back of my closet where it remained for the next seven months.
What was most difficult during those early weeks was trying to carry on every day as if all was normal when emotionally and physically my world was turned upside down. If God had a punishment for me in all of this, it was morning sickness. Considering that my mom and my sister (each a mother of 4) never got sick during their pregnancies, I have to wonder. I was sick all day, every day, for at least eight weeks. But the worst part of my day was the morning. I am an attorney and I have to be in court almost every morning. First it would take me a long time to get ready for work because I kept having to lay back down every few minutes from the nausea. Then I would suffer through my drive to work, usually throw up in the parking garage and then try to get to court on time without getting sick again in the middle of a hearing. The first time the news started to get out was when I almost passed out in court. The deputy asked if I wanted them to call an ambulance, and I said no thank you I know what’s wrong with me, I’m pregnant. It was so nice getting all the excitement and well-wishes, but at the same time it always stung because it wasn’t a happy event for me. It was an emotional marathon that I was only beginning.
I’m normally a very private person. Even writing for this blog is a huge step for me, as it is every time I share my adoption story because in my daily life I usually keep my cards so close. So during those early days, and throughout the pregnancy, having the news get out and having so many comments all the time, so many questions…it was overwhelming. I didn’t want to share my most personal and sacred decision with the whole world so I mostly started avoiding all people. I chose to become very isolated and I stayed home as much and as often as I could.
November 18, 2008
The early weeks.
8 years
(BTW It was a LOT colder on this day 8 years ago! Think SIXTEEN degrees! Yikes! It was freezing. . .what was I doing wearing a short sleeve dress?)
Today I am so glad that I married my best friend. The man that I am happy to spend forever and ever with. The first person I want to tell everything to. If there is something happy, exciting, sad, scary, I call him. I love talking to him. I love cuddling up next to him at night. I love everything about this sweet man (even the little things that drive me insane, without them he just wouldn't be him!)
Happy Anniversary Hunny, I love you more today than I did 8 years ago, and I can't imagine how much more I will love you in 8 more years! Thanks for being the best husband, thank you for being the best daddy, and thank you for loving us so much!
November 11, 2008
Little help for my friends
I have mentioned that LDS Family Services encourages families to find their birth mother. What I didn't mention is how hard that can be. I remember every time our caseworker would ask us what we were doing to try and find our birth mother I felt so overwhelmed. What more could I do? I decided that since it's national adoption month I would take the time to post about a few of our friends that are trying to adopt too.
Today I wanted to tell you about Robert and Emily and their adorable daughter Rachel! (isn't she a doll? She is smart and funny too)
I met Emily through an online support group. She is one of the most amazing women I know. She is so sweet.
We met in the spring and she was as cute in person as online. One of those genuinely good people that this world needs more of.
They have been on a long journey to expand their family and I just know they are going to be blessed for their efforts!
Good luck guys! I can't wait to hear that your family of 3 is now a family of 4!
November 5, 2008
Good Things Utah
Today I went to the live taping of Good Things Utah to support Families Supporting Adoption but mostly to hear Mrs R and Miss Myra. I have been fortunate enough to present with Myra at a high school representing the Utah Adoption Council. These ladies are my role models. I want to grow up to be just like them. Myra has the strength and the testimony and the passion. Mrs R is the greatest adoption advocate. She will talk to anyone, anytime, anywhere. She makes sure that people know how great adoption is and it is because of people like these 2 that adoption is where it is today. I hope this month helps me to be one step closer to the person I would like to become.
(Point and shoot camera's just don't cut it, I am sure there will be better pictures on other blogs, maybe I'll steal one ;) )
I think back to when we started our first adoption. We didn't want anyone to know. We weren't ready to open our sores up to the world. I wish I had known how much healing can come from helping others. I wish that someone had told me that without opening up I would never see how many people there are out there that feel exactly like I do.
I may never give birth to a baby, but I am a mother. I look at that sweet boy sleeping and there is no doubt in my mind that he is my son. I recently realized just because I am his mother that doesn't make Katie any less his mother. He has the love of two mommies that want the very best for him. They have both spent many sleepless nights worrying about him, and they both love on him as often as possible. Thank heavens for adoptions! These beautiful babies get twice the love!!!
November 3, 2008
My story- the beginning.
I’m Katie, Roman’s birth mother. This is my story.
Because one of my purposes in sharing my story is to reach out, inspire, and comfort other birthmoms and potential birthmoms, I want to start with a message to you: The road to adoption is one that begins with fear, heartache, maybe even despair. It seems an impossible road when you’re at the very beginning. But if you could only see the end from the beginning- you would not walk down that road, you would run as fast as you can. But the nature of the experience is that you must take one small step at a time. Along the way you will have angels by your side- some seen, some unseen. But you will not walk that road alone. I can promise you that.
I felt very alone in the beginning. It was hard for me to accept and grasp that I was really pregnant. It was definitely not part of my plans. I thought I had been pretty clever in hiding my many spiritual struggles and failures from my family. Now there would be no hiding it. I resolved to keep it to myself as long as I could and along the way I would figure out how to break such unhappy news to them. Until then I would deal with everything else.
How did I make the initial decision? I knew what all the options were. I never considered marriage. It wasn’t right for me at all. I didn’t even want Alex to go through this with me. I wanted to do it all myself. The big ‘A’ word….I have to be completely honest. It was a temptation. It was never even a remotely serious consideration, but a temptation whispered in my ear many times. An unwelcome pregnancy is the ultimate test of who you fear more, man or God. I prayed that I would just lose the pregnancy and that it would all be over. It’s hard to even take yourself seriously praying something like that- ‘I know I got myself into this, but please do I really have to go all the way through it? Can the scare just be enough?’ I knew how disingenuous I was being even as I was saying the words. What I didn’t know then was that a very wise and loving Heavenly Father, who can see the end from the beginning, knew how very badly I needed to go through this experience. Not just for Roman, or for Wendy, or anyone else- but for me. So it wasn’t out of anger or retribution that my feeble prayer wasn’t granted, it was out of a deeply profound love. In His wisdom he did not take away the trial.
All other options were unimaginable for me. I had always thought that adoption was the best solution to an unwed pregnancy. I’d argued that many times before in a general sense, never really thinking I would have to make that decision in my own personal life. So before I even needed to make the decision, in a way I had already made it. Since I had already studied it out in my mind, I knew what the right choice would be for me.
It helped that my feelings for Alex had completely turned even before I knew I was pregnant. I consider this to be a blessing, because it kept me from even being tempted to single-parent. That choice might be right for some people but it wasn’t for me in my particular circumstances. And when I even imagined “sharing” my child with a person I had very little respect for, someone I did not trust to raise my child with the same environment and values as I would, I was only thankful that I had another option. I knew that the only chance of giving my child everything he deserved was to find a family who could provide the most important things in life. I wanted him to grow up in a family, with two parents who love each other and are fully committed to each other. I wanted him to have a worthy priesthood holder in his home, to guide and protect him. I wanted him to grow up in the covenant, sealed in an eternal family. Adoption was the only way. And when I thought about adoption, I felt a peaceful excitement.
I might not have been very good at making the right decisions for myself, but I found that the love and concern I had for this tiny spirit I had never even met was empowering me to make the best possible decisions on his behalf. And that was not only to his benefit, but the beginning of my own personal spiritual transformation.
November 2, 2008
National Adoption Month - Types of adoption
November is National Adoption Month! I have to admit I am very excited about it. I know I am not the best blogger when it comes to this blog, but I am going to try to keep this blog going on a more regular basis this month.
I thought I would start by talking about different types of adoption. Adoptions have changed so much even in the past 10 years. There are three basic types of domestic adoptions. International adoptions vary by country.
I found the information that I am posting on www.adoptions.com and thought it was a good summary of types of adoptions and providing additional information.
Closed Adoptions: This is the most traditional type of adoption that is still used today, but is rapidly declining in popularity as the focus in the relationships between adoptive parents and birth parents is shifting from the lack of information and total confidentiality, to shared information and privacy. In these adoptions, the birth family and the adoptive family do not share any identifying information about themselves, and do not communicate with each other, either before or after the placement of the child. The adoptive family will, however, receive non-identifying health and other background information about the child and the birth family before the placement takes place. The birth parents may also receive non-identifying information about the adoptive parents. The adoption files will be sealed after the adoption, and typically are never made available to the adopted child.
Find more information on Closed Adoptions
Find more information on Semi-Open Adoptions
Open Adoption: Every adoption of this type will be different, based on the type of relationship that the birth parents and the adoptive parents have agreed to. Both identifying and non-identifying information about the adoptive parents and the birth parents is shared with each other, which can include last names, addresses, and telephone numbers. In some open adoptions, the birth parent and the adoptive family know each other and have ongoing communication about the child. If the parents on both sides agree, the adoptive parents may even be allowed to be present for the delivery of the child, thus allowing them to vicariously share in the birthing process. Neither the birth parents nor the adoptive parents are forced to participate in an open adoption if that is not what they are comfortable with. Although there is some disagreement on the subject, it is suggested that the child, and thus the adoptive parents that will be raising the child, are the primary beneficiaries of some of the most significant benefits that can result from an open adoption.
Find more information on Open Adoption
Open or Closed Adoption: Pros of Each
| Confidential Adoptions (Closed) | Mediated (Semi-Open) | Open Adoptions | |
|---|---|---|---|
No contact between birth and adoptive families. No identifying information is provided. Only nonidentifying information (e.g., height, hair color, medical history, etc.) is provided through a third party (e.g., agency or attorney). | Nonidentifying contact is made (via cards, letters, pictures) through a third party (e.g., agency or attorney). | Direct interaction between birth and adoptive families. Identities are known. | |
| Birth Parents | Provides real choice for birth parents when compared to open adoption. Privacy. Some feel this provides a sense of closure and ability to move on with life. | Allows for some information transfer between birth and adoptive parents (and perhaps the child). Some privacy. | Increased ability to deal with grief and loss. Comfort in knowing child's well-being. Sense of control over decision-making in placement. Potential for more fully defined role in child's life. Potential to develop a healthy relationship with the child as he or she grows. Less pain and guilt about the decision. May make the decision to place for adoption easier (compared to a contested termination of parental rights trial). |
| Adoptive Parents | No need to physically share the child with birth parents. No danger of birth parent interference or co-parenting. | Greater sense of control over process. Roles may be more clearly defined than in either confidential or open options. Increased sense of entitlement compared to confidential adoptions. Enhanced ability to answer child's questions about his or her history. | Increased sense of having the "right" to parent and increased ability for confident parenting. Potential for authentic relationship with the birth family. More understanding of children's history. Increased empathy for birth parents. Less fear of birth parents reclaiming child because they know the parent and their wishes. Delight of being "chosen" as a parent. |
| Adopted Persons | Protection from unstable or emotionally disturbed birth parents. | Only true when relationship is "shared" with the adopted child | |
Genetic and birth history known. Birthparents are "real" not "fantasy." Positive adjustment is promoted in adoptee. | Direct access to birth parents and history. Need to search is eliminated. Identity questions are answered (Who do I look like? Why was I placed?). Eases feelings of abandonment. Lessening of fantasies: birth parents are "real." Increased circle of supportive adults. Increased attachment to adoptive family (especially if the birth parents support the placement). Preservation of connections (e.g., with siblings, relatives). Lessens loyalty conflicts (according to recent research). Exposure to racial and ethnic heritage. Ability for evolving, dynamic, and developmentally appropriate account of the adoption. | ||
We have an open adoption and it has been a huge blessing to us, our son, and his birthmother. We have been able to keep in touch with her through e-mail and we have a blog that I update with pictures and fun stories about him. We have seen her so many times I've lost count, probably 7 or 8 times in 16 months. We have loved the open relationship that we have. A few months ago I did a Q&A on our open adoption post where I answered questions on how open adoption has been for us. I could (and probably should) write another with more questions and concerns people have voiced. The bottom line is that you have to do what is best for you, your family, and what is in the child's best interest (That's what adoption is all about anyway). For us Open adoption has been GREAT!