The early weeks.

In continuing my story, I thought I would tell some of the details that I usually don't share. I think other birth moms in particular will relate and appreciate these details.

I remember the day of my first doctor’s appointment. It was strange being there because I was still in partial denial. Right up until the ultrasound I still had the tiniest hope in the back of my mind that I wasn’t really pregnant. When I filled out the paperwork about my medical history, I put a big line through all the questions about the father of the baby. I wasn’t interested in making him part of this in any way, even on paper. Later I realized it probably looked like I crossed the questions out because I didn’t know that information….but I didn’t really care. That was my way of being in control of the situation. I met my doctor for the first time and she did the first ultrasound. It was there in that tiny dark room that it finally sunk in that the little bean on the tv screen was, in fact, a baby. This was really happening. No more denial. The worst part about that day was the bag the nurse gave me before I left. The diaper bag filled with samples of formula and vitamins, a pacifier and a baby bottle…. Just looking at those things was painful. I remember looking at the bottle and wishing so badly that this was happening in the right way, that I was happily having my first baby as I had always dreamed about, but not like this. When I got home I shoved the diaper bag into the back of my closet where it remained for the next seven months.

What was most difficult during those early weeks was trying to carry on every day as if all was normal when emotionally and physically my world was turned upside down. If God had a punishment for me in all of this, it was morning sickness. Considering that my mom and my sister (each a mother of 4) never got sick during their pregnancies, I have to wonder. I was sick all day, every day, for at least eight weeks. But the worst part of my day was the morning. I am an attorney and I have to be in court almost every morning. First it would take me a long time to get ready for work because I kept having to lay back down every few minutes from the nausea. Then I would suffer through my drive to work, usually throw up in the parking garage and then try to get to court on time without getting sick again in the middle of a hearing. The first time the news started to get out was when I almost passed out in court. The deputy asked if I wanted them to call an ambulance, and I said no thank you I know what’s wrong with me, I’m pregnant. It was so nice getting all the excitement and well-wishes, but at the same time it always stung because it wasn’t a happy event for me. It was an emotional marathon that I was only beginning.

I’m normally a very private person. Even writing for this blog is a huge step for me, as it is every time I share my adoption story because in my daily life I usually keep my cards so close. So during those early days, and throughout the pregnancy, having the news get out and having so many comments all the time, so many questions…it was overwhelming. I didn’t want to share my most personal and sacred decision with the whole world so I mostly started avoiding all people. I chose to become very isolated and I stayed home as much and as often as I could.

8 years

Eight years ago today we were married in the Salt Lake Temple. Eight years ago I told my best friend I wanted to be best friends forever and ever and ever. We knelt across the alter looking into eternity. At that moment I knew that I was making the most important decision of my life!

(BTW It was a LOT colder on this day 8 years ago! Think SIXTEEN degrees! Yikes! It was freezing. . .what was I doing wearing a short sleeve dress?)

Seven years ago today we were poor newlyweds "living on love." We were so happy. We were in our first house just 6 months, the house that we would live in for the next 7 1/2 years. The one that all our happy memories would be made in.

Two years ago today we were able to spend the day with Spencer's family as his cousin was married. We were in warm, sunny California.

My brother-in-law and sister-in-law were so sweet. They went over to our hotel while we were out to dinner and put rose petals everywhere and had sparkling cider and strawberries for us.

One year ago today I left my little man with a babysitter for the first time so that I could go on a much needed date with my amazing husband.

Today I am so glad that I married my best friend. The man that I am happy to spend forever and ever with. The first person I want to tell everything to. If there is something happy, exciting, sad, scary, I call him. I love talking to him. I love cuddling up next to him at night. I love everything about this sweet man (even the little things that drive me insane, without them he just wouldn't be him!)

Happy Anniversary Hunny, I love you more today than I did 8 years ago, and I can't imagine how much more I will love you in 8 more years! Thanks for being the best husband, thank you for being the best daddy, and thank you for loving us so much!

Little help for my friends

I have mentioned that LDS Family Services encourages families to find their birth mother. What I didn't mention is how hard that can be. I remember every time our caseworker would ask us what we were doing to try and find our birth mother I felt so overwhelmed. What more could I do? I decided that since it's national adoption month I would take the time to post about a few of our friends that are trying to adopt too.

Today I wanted to tell you about Robert and Emily and their adorable daughter Rachel! (isn't she a doll? She is smart and funny too)


I met Emily through an online support group. She is one of the most amazing women I know. She is so sweet.

We met in the spring and she was as cute in person as online. One of those genuinely good people that this world needs more of.

They have been on a long journey to expand their family and I just know they are going to be blessed for their efforts!

Good luck guys! I can't wait to hear that your family of 3 is now a family of 4!

Good Things Utah

Today I went to the live taping of Good Things Utah to support Families Supporting Adoption but mostly to hear Mrs R and Miss Myra. I have been fortunate enough to present with Myra at a high school representing the Utah Adoption Council. These ladies are my role models. I want to grow up to be just like them. Myra has the strength and the testimony and the passion. Mrs R is the greatest adoption advocate. She will talk to anyone, anytime, anywhere. She makes sure that people know how great adoption is and it is because of people like these 2 that adoption is where it is today. I hope this month helps me to be one step closer to the person I would like to become.


(Point and shoot camera's just don't cut it, I am sure there will be better pictures on other blogs, maybe I'll steal one ;) )

I think back to when we started our first adoption. We didn't want anyone to know. We weren't ready to open our sores up to the world. I wish I had known how much healing can come from helping others. I wish that someone had told me that without opening up I would never see how many people there are out there that feel exactly like I do.

I may never give birth to a baby, but I am a mother. I look at that sweet boy sleeping and there is no doubt in my mind that he is my son. I recently realized just because I am his mother that doesn't make Katie any less his mother. He has the love of two mommies that want the very best for him. They have both spent many sleepless nights worrying about him, and they both love on him as often as possible. Thank heavens for adoptions! These beautiful babies get twice the love!!!

My story- the beginning.

I’m Katie, Roman’s birth mother. This is my story.

Because one of my purposes in sharing my story is to reach out, inspire, and comfort other birthmoms and potential birthmoms, I want to start with a message to you: The road to adoption is one that begins with fear, heartache, maybe even despair. It seems an impossible road when you’re at the very beginning. But if you could only see the end from the beginning- you would not walk down that road, you would run as fast as you can. But the nature of the experience is that you must take one small step at a time. Along the way you will have angels by your side- some seen, some unseen. But you will not walk that road alone. I can promise you that.

I felt very alone in the beginning. It was hard for me to accept and grasp that I was really pregnant. It was definitely not part of my plans. I thought I had been pretty clever in hiding my many spiritual struggles and failures from my family. Now there would be no hiding it. I resolved to keep it to myself as long as I could and along the way I would figure out how to break such unhappy news to them. Until then I would deal with everything else.

How did I make the initial decision? I knew what all the options were. I never considered marriage. It wasn’t right for me at all. I didn’t even want Alex to go through this with me. I wanted to do it all myself. The big ‘A’ word….I have to be completely honest. It was a temptation. It was never even a remotely serious consideration, but a temptation whispered in my ear many times. An unwelcome pregnancy is the ultimate test of who you fear more, man or God. I prayed that I would just lose the pregnancy and that it would all be over. It’s hard to even take yourself seriously praying something like that- ‘I know I got myself into this, but please do I really have to go all the way through it? Can the scare just be enough?’ I knew how disingenuous I was being even as I was saying the words. What I didn’t know then was that a very wise and loving Heavenly Father, who can see the end from the beginning, knew how very badly I needed to go through this experience. Not just for Roman, or for Wendy, or anyone else- but for me. So it wasn’t out of anger or retribution that my feeble prayer wasn’t granted, it was out of a deeply profound love. In His wisdom he did not take away the trial.

All other options were unimaginable for me. I had always thought that adoption was the best solution to an unwed pregnancy. I’d argued that many times before in a general sense, never really thinking I would have to make that decision in my own personal life. So before I even needed to make the decision, in a way I had already made it. Since I had already studied it out in my mind, I knew what the right choice would be for me.

It helped that my feelings for Alex had completely turned even before I knew I was pregnant. I consider this to be a blessing, because it kept me from even being tempted to single-parent. That choice might be right for some people but it wasn’t for me in my particular circumstances. And when I even imagined “sharing” my child with a person I had very little respect for, someone I did not trust to raise my child with the same environment and values as I would, I was only thankful that I had another option. I knew that the only chance of giving my child everything he deserved was to find a family who could provide the most important things in life. I wanted him to grow up in a family, with two parents who love each other and are fully committed to each other. I wanted him to have a worthy priesthood holder in his home, to guide and protect him. I wanted him to grow up in the covenant, sealed in an eternal family. Adoption was the only way. And when I thought about adoption, I felt a peaceful excitement.

I might not have been very good at making the right decisions for myself, but I found that the love and concern I had for this tiny spirit I had never even met was empowering me to make the best possible decisions on his behalf. And that was not only to his benefit, but the beginning of my own personal spiritual transformation.

National Adoption Month - Types of adoption

November is National Adoption Month! I have to admit I am very excited about it. I know I am not the best blogger when it comes to this blog, but I am going to try to keep this blog going on a more regular basis this month.

I thought I would start by talking about different types of adoption. Adoptions have changed so much even in the past 10 years. There are three basic types of domestic adoptions. International adoptions vary by country.

I found the information that I am posting on www.adoptions.com and thought it was a good summary of types of adoptions and providing additional information.

Closed Adoptions: This is the most traditional type of adoption that is still used today, but is rapidly declining in popularity as the focus in the relationships between adoptive parents and birth parents is shifting from the lack of information and total confidentiality, to shared information and privacy. In these adoptions, the birth family and the adoptive family do not share any identifying information about themselves, and do not communicate with each other, either before or after the placement of the child. The adoptive family will, however, receive non-identifying health and other background information about the child and the birth family before the placement takes place. The birth parents may also receive non-identifying information about the adoptive parents. The adoption files will be sealed after the adoption, and typically are never made available to the adopted child.

Find more information on Closed Adoptions

Semi-Open Adoptions: A form of adoption that is intentionally designed to be a combination of a more traditional closed adoption and a more progressive open adoption, with the emphasis being on the "privacy" of all parties, rather than on "confidentially." Direct communication after the adoption is more limited, in the fashion that is agreed by the parties to be beneficial for everyone. Last names, addresses, and telephone numbers are usually not exchanged, while the sharing of photographs or other information for an agreed frequency and duration is common. All communication takes place through a third party, which is usually an adoption agency, an adoption attorney or a designated intermediary.

Find more information on Semi-Open Adoptions

Open Adoption: Every adoption of this type will be different, based on the type of relationship that the birth parents and the adoptive parents have agreed to. Both identifying and non-identifying information about the adoptive parents and the birth parents is shared with each other, which can include last names, addresses, and telephone numbers. In some open adoptions, the birth parent and the adoptive family know each other and have ongoing communication about the child. If the parents on both sides agree, the adoptive parents may even be allowed to be present for the delivery of the child, thus allowing them to vicariously share in the birthing process. Neither the birth parents nor the adoptive parents are forced to participate in an open adoption if that is not what they are comfortable with. Although there is some disagreement on the subject, it is suggested that the child, and thus the adoptive parents that will be raising the child, are the primary beneficiaries of some of the most significant benefits that can result from an open adoption.

Find more information on Open Adoption

Open or Closed Adoption: Pros of Each

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	Confidential Adoptions (Closed)	Mediated (Semi-Open)	Open Adoptions
	No contact between birth and adoptive families. No identifying information is provided. Only nonidentifying information (e.g., height, hair color, medical history, etc.) is provided through a third party (e.g., agency or attorney).	Nonidentifying contact is made (via cards, letters, pictures) through a third party (e.g., agency or attorney).	Direct interaction between birth and adoptive families. Identities are known.
Birth Parents	Provides real choice for birth parents when compared to open adoption. Privacy. Some feel this provides a sense of closure and ability to move on with life.	Allows for some information transfer between birth and adoptive parents (and perhaps the child). Some privacy.	Increased ability to deal with grief and loss. Comfort in knowing child's well-being. Sense of control over decision-making in placement. Potential for more fully defined role in child's life. Potential to develop a healthy relationship with the child as he or she grows. Less pain and guilt about the decision. May make the decision to place for adoption easier (compared to a contested termination of parental rights trial).
Adoptive Parents	No need to physically share the child with birth parents. No danger of birth parent interference or co-parenting.	Greater sense of control over process. Roles may be more clearly defined than in either confidential or open options. Increased sense of entitlement compared to confidential adoptions. Enhanced ability to answer child's questions about his or her history.	Increased sense of having the "right" to parent and increased ability for confident parenting. Potential for authentic relationship with the birth family. More understanding of children's history. Increased empathy for birth parents. Less fear of birth parents reclaiming child because they know the parent and their wishes. Delight of being "chosen" as a parent.
Adopted Persons	Protection from unstable or emotionally disturbed birth parents.	Only true when relationship is "shared" with the adopted child
		Genetic and birth history known. Birthparents are "real" not "fantasy." Positive adjustment is promoted in adoptee.	Direct access to birth parents and history. Need to search is eliminated. Identity questions are answered (Who do I look like? Why was I placed?). Eases feelings of abandonment. Lessening of fantasies: birth parents are "real." Increased circle of supportive adults. Increased attachment to adoptive family (especially if the birth parents support the placement). Preservation of connections (e.g., with siblings, relatives). Lessens loyalty conflicts (according to recent research). Exposure to racial and ethnic heritage. Ability for evolving, dynamic, and developmentally appropriate account of the adoption.

From the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (U.S. Department of Health & Human Services)

We have an open adoption and it has been a huge blessing to us, our son, and his birthmother. We have been able to keep in touch with her through e-mail and we have a blog that I update with pictures and fun stories about him. We have seen her so many times I've lost count, probably 7 or 8 times in 16 months. We have loved the open relationship that we have. A few months ago I did a Q&A on our open adoption post where I answered questions on how open adoption has been for us. I could (and probably should) write another with more questions and concerns people have voiced. The bottom line is that you have to do what is best for you, your family, and what is in the child's best interest (That's what adoption is all about anyway). For us Open adoption has been GREAT!

Ever have one of those nights?

Do you ever have one of those nights where you sit up wondering about EVERYTHING? Literally everything. Tonight is one of those nights for me.

I wonder how I am doing as a parent.
I wonder if I am doing everything I should, should he know his alphabet yet?
Do I teach him enough?
I wonder if I am letting him be independent enough.
I wonder if I am dependable enough.

I wonder how his Mommy Katie is. (worry about her is more like it, we love her so much and just want everything to be perfect for her!)
I wonder about our future birthmother(s).
I wonder if they are okay.
I wonder if they are already struggling with hard decisions in their life.

I wonder why some of us need to be tested to the point that we feel like we are going to break.
I wonder why one person's trial is a blessing for another.
I wonder how many lives that blessing truly blesses (I can't even begin to count how many lives Roman has blessed!).

Obviously I am not the only person who has had a night like this. I think of the song "Just a few Questions" by Clay Walker

How in this world can we put a man on the moon,
And still have a need for a place like St Jude's?
And why is one man born,
In a place where all they know is war?
And a guy like me,
Has always been free.

And how can two people who built a loving home,
Try for years and never have a child of their own?
When somewhere out there tonight,
There's a baby no-one's holding tight:
In need of love.
To me, that don't add up.

But I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

And why did my cousin have to die in that crash?
A good kid, only seventeen, I still wonder about that.
It seems unfair to me,
Some get the chance to chase their dreams,
And some don't.
But what do I know?

I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

Why do I feel like you hear these prayers of mine.
When so many oughta be ahead of me in line?
When you look down on me,
Can you see the good through all the bad?
These just a few questions I have.

I told him. . .and he took it well

Today I had to have my car serviced. It was going to take a few hours so Roman and I rode Trax downtown and had lunch with Spencer then went to the Gateway and spent a few hours shopping. As we were finished shopping I called the dealership and it was going to be a few more hours before the car was done. I was getting pretty tired from walking everywhere pushing a stroller. I decided we would go over to Temple Square for a while, look at the flowers, the fountains, just waste a little more time.

As we got to Temple Square we went over to the fountain and of course Roman wanted to play in the water. As we sat down there I started thinking about the temple, and everything that has happened in our life over the past year and a half. I sat down next to Roman and started talking to him about our adoption, his mommy Katie, how special he is and how special it was when we were sealed to him. Thankfully he isn't old enough to be embarrassed by his mother crying in public (because I totally was). After we were done talking I told him how much I love him and that I was so happy he was part of our family and he said "okay" and let me cuddle him for a few minutes. I hope we can have more conversations like this, lots more!

I get by with a little help from my friends!

I have some amazing friends, who have helped us so much in getting things ready to adopt again. My friend Liz told me of a website that we could do digital scrapbook pages for our photo pages for our adoption profile. She sat on the phone with me for over an hour walking me through how to use the program, and we finished my first page. It turned out great. I sent it to be printed and it was grainy. I talked to my friend Sarah and unfortunately the program that we had used doesn't have an option to increase the size so we had to redo it. I don't have a program to digital scrapbook so Sarah took the pages and recreated them (perfectly I might add).

The only thing we are waiting on now is Spencer's doctors appointment on Friday and we are ready to go


(We had the family pictures on the first page taken a few weeks ago by our friend Kim. If you want to see full size of the pictures she has them on her website. She is amazing!)

We have taken the leap, just waiting for the offical approval!

Last Wednesday we had our homestudy so now we are just waiting for the word from the agency that we are officially waiting (Finding).

It has been so much easier for me to go through to motions of getting everything ready this time because I knew what to expect. It was not stepping out into the unknown. We knew that we had interviews, questionnaires, physicals, background checks, and homestudy. It was so much easier, and I was so much more at ease.

I have been amazed the peace that has come over me the past few months that this is all in the Lord's hands. I know that if it were up to me, I wouldn't be able to do this, but with God I have learned that anything is possible.

I know that as I was talking about our last adoption I mentioned that LDS Family Services encourages families to find their birthmother. Right now there are so many more adoptive couples than birthmothers in Utah. Last time I heard it was something like 7 adoptive couples to each birthmother. This means that every couple needs to be proactive.

How can we be proactive you ask? That's where you (anyone, everyone) can help! If you know of a birthmother who may be interested in placing her child for adoption or just wants more information about her options before making a decision, please have her call LDS Family Services and ask for an appointment with one of the social workers. If she is interested, she can learn more about us by viewing our adoption blog at http://www.spencerandwendy.blogspot.com/.

We are excited to welcome a new member to our family! Thanks for all the support that you have all given us! We are anxious to embark on this new adventure!

Let His Love Reach You

There is hope
For every soul that’s lost.
There is a way back home.
No matter where you roam.
Let His love heal you and lead you there.

There’s a place for every heart in pain.
A place where there’s no hurt.
And there’s no shame.
Let His love reach you.
And teach you.
Every hour.

By: Michael McLean

How has my life changed since becoming a mom?

We are just working on interviews and our homestudy to begin our second adoption. Last week we went in for individual interviews with our caseworker. She asked a few questions that I have really been pondering over the last week. The one that I have spent the most time thinking about is "How has my life changed since becoming a mom?" How has my life NOT changed.



I went to my parents house that morning after our interview to help my sister and before we could leave I had to make sure that Roman had a nap. I realized that was a huge change. My life now revolves around nap time. Nap time is something sacred, not to be messed with. I never understood this before. When it was someone elses child (most especially my nieces) I would always tell my sister just to skip it, just once.



After Roman woke from his nap we went to run a few errands, as we got in the car there were a few obvious things that have changed. 1- we have a bigger car. I drove a Honda Civic until this past March when it was replaced by an SUV. So much more room for so much more stuff. Who knew that someone so small could need so many things that are so big.



2- There are so many things that are required to leave the house. You have the baby, the diaper bag, sippy cup, lovey (in our case this is Bob the giraffe, thankfully we have one that stays in the car), blanket if you are going to be gone over nap time, food, and of course car toys. Car toys are another thing that I never understood before. How is it that a child can have 100 toys at home, but need a whole other set of toys for in the car? You don't mess with the car toys. They are serious lifesavers! Especially when you are stuck in traffic. 3- carseats. I have become a huge fan of carseats, especially great carseats. I find myself admiring carseats in other cars (Is there something wrong with me?) I love to talk to people about carseats, and have given others advice on which carseats to buy.



Like the car toys there are three other sets of toys that again are completely separate and not to be messed with. The diaper bag toys (brought out only on outings when you are out of the car and don't need car toys), the tub toys (only to be used in the tub, or at least to be kept in the bathroom), and the outside toys. Who knew there were so many different kinds of toys you would NEED.



Then it comes to the kitchen. Our kitchen seemed pretty full before Roman was born, we lived in our house for about 6 years before he joined our family. It's funny now, I honestly can't remember what we had where we now keep the bottles, sippy cups, silverware, bowls, heck, we even have different food for him, all with it's own cupboard.



Next is my schedule. I used to be to work at the latest at 7:30 in the morning, my job was 30 minutes away, which meant I had to leave the house at the latest at 7:00, sometimes we were there as early as 6:00, that was hard! Why does it seem so much harder to get up at 6:00 now?

I used to work in the office 2-4 days a week and from home the other days. I am now a stay at home mom, but I don't seem to have anymore time, in fact sometimes it feels like I have less time and my house is messier (oh yeah, I have a few little hands to help with that).



So I know this was just a rambling but as I said I have been thinking about this a lot. . .so to answer the questions "How has my life changed since becoming a mom?" It has completely changed, and I wouldn't change it back for anything!

I'm adopted too!

This weekend while we out of town for the FSA conference we stayed with Spencer's step-sister and her family. They have the cutest kids and it was so much fun to see them again! We saw them last summer when Roman was born, but hadn't seen them in over a year. Stephanie and Adam were married for about 8 years and went through all the heartache to begin their family and finally decided to adopt. They didn't wait long and their lives were blessed with a beautiful baby boy with striking blue eyes and a winning smile. Fast forward 5 years and he is a smart amazing little boy with 4 younger siblings (apparently Peter just needed to join the family before the others could come along, he is the best big brother! He was made for the role). He is such a great big brother, and so polite.

We got to their house late Saturday night so all the kids were already gone to bed before we got there. Sunday morning as we were getting ready for church Peter was sitting there playing with Roman as I fed him a banana and I told Peter that Roman was adopted too. It took him a minute and I saw him make the connection and his eyes just lit up. We talked about it for a few minutes and I told him that Roman was born there and we had come so that we could see his birthmom, he was just so excited.

Watching that light just brighten his eyes made my day but after that Peter just had a connection with Roman. He wanted to play with him all the time, he was always bringing him toys and was just his little guardian.

This morning as we were getting ready to come home we had to leave their house around 7:30 to make it to the airport in time. I was trying to hurry and get Roman fed and dressed and everything to the car. I kept asking Roman to finish his bottle and Peter asked "can he finish his bottle in the car so we can play for a few more minutes please?" How could I say no to that?

I hope that Roman can always have this bond with his cousin! They are such super special boys!

Weekend Travel

Do you ever feel like you are supposed to do something and you have to prove that you are doing it and thankfully Heavenly Father helps you get there, but you have to prove that you really want it? That was this weekend for me!

This past weekend we went to surprise Mommy Katie at her Regional FSA Conference. It all just happened, airfare was amazing, rental car amazing, I couldn't overlook all the things falling into place I knew we needed to go. It ended up just me and Roman that went, and I was pretty nervous about it but I guess I should have realized if we were really supposed to be there Heavenly Father would take care of everything.

He took care of things by sending angels to watch over us in the form of other weary travelers. Somehow before we even knew that we were going Heavenly Father did and he had our Relief Society President on our flight to help us get out there. He found a woman with a tender heart who could help us with our luggage. He found a family going on vacation who were willing to help us get to the rental car counter, and another husband/wife to help us get to the rental car. I know there are generous people out there, people who are willing to help, but I also know that it was a miracle that we had so many sweet people who helped us get there.

We finally got to the campus the conference was being held at and there was road construction everywhere, thankfully yet another angel came to our rescue and talked to us on the phone and talked me through every turn so that we could make it!

Why was it so important that we get there? I don't 100% know the answer to that. I think we needed to be there to support Katie, I think I needed to hear her story as much as a lot of the other people. I think we needed to bear witness with our presence of our love for Katie and show others the beauty of open adoptions.

I am just so thankful for the Angels that were among us this weekend! (Including Roman's Angel Mommy Katie!)

One year as a mother

Friday my little man turned one. I have spent a lot of time reflecting over the past year, two years, eight years, ten years. This year has been absolutely amazing. I still have time that I look at this sweet little boy and can't believe that I am his mother.



Ten years ago Spencer and I had been dating for almost a year and he was getting ready to leave on a mission. We had our whole lives ahead of us filled with so many dreams. We didn't know where our lives would take us, but we knew that we had strong feelings for each other and that we wanted to spend our lives together.

Eight years ago (next month actually) Spencer climbed off a plane in Salt Lake, tan, smiling, and ready to conquer the world. Thankfully our love had survived those 2 years and we were able to begin our life together.

Two years ago I wondered if Heavenly Father even remembered me. We had waited so long, and had endured so much, I just needed the reassurance that he was there, he knew me, and that he hadn't forgotten about our little family.

One year ago I was living in a hotel with a newborn little boy, spending as much time as we could (when we weren't sleeping) with his Mommy Katie. I felt so much and I still feel so much that I can't explain, and don't really understand completely. Having that sweet baby in my arms was such a blessing and it was terrifying. He was completely dependant on us for everything.

Over the past year he has grown so much. He has become so much more independent than I ever imagined. He will tell me no just because he can. He goes full speed and loves being around people. He gives the best hugs and kisses anyone could ever ask for. He is smart, and funny (and he knows it).

Thinking back over the past year the day that I think was the most special, more so than placement day, finalization, his birthday, was the day that we were sealed as a family. It was the perfect day. I think of us all dressed in white at the alter. We struggled for so long to decide who to have hold Roman and we finally asked Katie if she would hold him for the sealing. It made that day so much more meaningful.

This year has been filled with so many blessings, I am thankful that Heavenly Father remembered our family. He blessed us with the sweetest boy, the most amazing mommy Katie, and loving family and friends.

Huge breath and even bigger leap of faith!

I have been waiting for a week, two weeks maybe to post that I started this blog. I guess I have waited because we haven't officially done anything with LDS Family Services because we can't until next month when Roman turns one. I think part of it is that I am scared. I feel like I am jumping off a cliff again. I can't tell if there is a bottom, and it's scary. I feel so much different than I did the first time though. The first time I didn't know what to expect. This time I do (a tiny bit, even though it can be so different every time). Last time I was scared to tell anyone that we were adopting, this time I want everyone who will listen to know! I am also scared that I won't know what to do with TWO children. I know that if it is supposed to happen, it will, I was scared how I would handle one, Heavenly Father really has taken care of our family!

We had originally planned to wait until Roman was 18 months old to turn in adoption paperwork for a second adoption. I love where we are at. I love watching Roman grow and learn things, and I was content to wait. Unfortunately, after a few weeks of this gnawing feeling, I finally talked to Spencer and he had the same feeling. We need to get things started again. Why? We don't know! For all we know it could take 3 years again, but we know that we are doing everything that we can and it's out of our hands. We know that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family, and we are doing what he asked us to do, and he will take care of us. (Please someone remind me of this when I get worried about this all later!)

So if any of you out there know of anyone who is thinking of placing a baby for adoption, or if you feel like posting a box on your blog so others can see our information. We won't have anything done officially for probably a month and a half but I have had this feeling all day that says "get with the program, you have the blog done (mostly), get it posted!" So here's to following promptings, or the spirit, or whatever this may be. I am sure my stomach will be in knots now for weeks because I made the jump but like I said, we are just doing what we can and leaving the rest in the Lord's hands!

Placement

I recently read my blog and realized I never finished telling our adoption story. I decided as we are approaching Roman's first birthday that I should complete our story as we are preparing to begin our next adventure.

As I mentioned a few months ago, we were able to somehow (I know that we had heavenly help) make it before Roman was born. I forgot to mention, while I was in the room when Roman was born, Spencer had to wait in the waiting room. He was pacing the halls as much as he was waiting in the waiting room. Finally after about an hour Spencer was able to come into the room and see Roman for the first time.

It was after 11:00 pm when Spencer was finally able to see Roman. We left the hospital around midnight to go find our hotel. Thursday we were able to go see Katie and Roman in the hospital for about an hour, but we tried to let that be her day with him.

Because Roman was born so late (9:43 pm) the doctors said Katie would either be released Thursday night (late) or Friday morning. She chose Friday morning to give herself a little more time to heal, and a little more time with Roman.

Friday morning I felt so many emotions. I think time slowed down that morning. 10:00 felt like it was never going to get there. As we were getting ready to leave for the hospital Katie's caseworker, Jason, called us and asked if we would bring an outfit for Roman because he had already made a mess in the one Katie had for him. We met Jason in the hospital lobby to fill out foster care paperwork and to give him Roman's clothes. (The state Roman was born in requires 72 hours before a birthmother can relinquish parental rights, so until then we would be his foster parents.)

We waited while Jason went up to see Katie and to give her the clothes for Roman. We went in and took a few pictures then stepped out to give Katie a chance to feed Roman and just so that she was able to spend a few more minutes alone with him.


We all walked down to the lobby together Katie, Roman and I waited in the lobby while Spencer and Katie's mom went to get the cars. We walked out of the hospital together. Katie gave Roman another kiss, Katie and I hugged and I thanked her, then we followed each other to the freeway, they went one direction, we went the other.


We had official placement at the LDS Family Services office Sunday morning. We met at the agency. Katie was already there and had already signed her paperwork. We went in and signed paperwork then went into the conference room and visited with Katie and her mom. We sat and visited for about 30-45 minutes but felt bad that we were making them work on a Sunday so we left the agency and went to Cheesecake Factory for lunch.


I realized at that lunch that Katie would always be a part of our lives. She made me a mother, and for that I am eternally thankful. Roman made her a birthmother, and we hope that she will always be a huge part of his life as she is now!

Happy Mother's Day

I posted this on Roman's blog for Mother's Day but decided that I wanted to repost it here as well.

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.
And now you ask me, through your tears,
the age-old question unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love.

© Author Unknown