The early weeks.

In continuing my story, I thought I would tell some of the details that I usually don't share. I think other birth moms in particular will relate and appreciate these details.

I remember the day of my first doctor’s appointment. It was strange being there because I was still in partial denial. Right up until the ultrasound I still had the tiniest hope in the back of my mind that I wasn’t really pregnant. When I filled out the paperwork about my medical history, I put a big line through all the questions about the father of the baby. I wasn’t interested in making him part of this in any way, even on paper. Later I realized it probably looked like I crossed the questions out because I didn’t know that information….but I didn’t really care. That was my way of being in control of the situation. I met my doctor for the first time and she did the first ultrasound. It was there in that tiny dark room that it finally sunk in that the little bean on the tv screen was, in fact, a baby. This was really happening. No more denial. The worst part about that day was the bag the nurse gave me before I left. The diaper bag filled with samples of formula and vitamins, a pacifier and a baby bottle…. Just looking at those things was painful. I remember looking at the bottle and wishing so badly that this was happening in the right way, that I was happily having my first baby as I had always dreamed about, but not like this. When I got home I shoved the diaper bag into the back of my closet where it remained for the next seven months.

What was most difficult during those early weeks was trying to carry on every day as if all was normal when emotionally and physically my world was turned upside down. If God had a punishment for me in all of this, it was morning sickness. Considering that my mom and my sister (each a mother of 4) never got sick during their pregnancies, I have to wonder. I was sick all day, every day, for at least eight weeks. But the worst part of my day was the morning. I am an attorney and I have to be in court almost every morning. First it would take me a long time to get ready for work because I kept having to lay back down every few minutes from the nausea. Then I would suffer through my drive to work, usually throw up in the parking garage and then try to get to court on time without getting sick again in the middle of a hearing. The first time the news started to get out was when I almost passed out in court. The deputy asked if I wanted them to call an ambulance, and I said no thank you I know what’s wrong with me, I’m pregnant. It was so nice getting all the excitement and well-wishes, but at the same time it always stung because it wasn’t a happy event for me. It was an emotional marathon that I was only beginning.

I’m normally a very private person. Even writing for this blog is a huge step for me, as it is every time I share my adoption story because in my daily life I usually keep my cards so close. So during those early days, and throughout the pregnancy, having the news get out and having so many comments all the time, so many questions…it was overwhelming. I didn’t want to share my most personal and sacred decision with the whole world so I mostly started avoiding all people. I chose to become very isolated and I stayed home as much and as often as I could.