Revisiting Emotions

Every once in a while things will jump up and just out of no where remind me of the struggles that we have gone through. For the most part until I started this blog I was very private about everything. It has been very empowering to be able to open up about everything but I still have these occasional shocking reminders that are just hard to handle at times.

This week I have been working on moving everything from our computer to my external hard drive. This means that I have to look at old files to see if they are worth keeping. I came across an old file labeled "Journal Entry." From March 11, 2004, a few weeks after my second miscarriage. I relived the pain of that time reading the struggles that we were having. INFERTILITY SUCKS! Seriously. My heart is so heavy remembering all the hurt that I felt. I still feel it at times. I am so very thankful for the Miracle of Adoption. It has healed some of the pain.

Here were my thoughts in March, 2004.

March 11, 2004


There are so many things in my mind, I can’t sleep, so I wanted to try to get them out of my head. Recently we have had to make some very thought provoking decisions. Three weeks ago we had our second miscarriage. Until you have gone through that experience, you have no idea what a great loss it is. I used to hear people talk of Miscarriage, and I didn’t think much of it. Well, we want to have a child so badly, but the Dr is saying that we should wait at least 9 months before we try again. The last time that I had a miscarriage, I had such a hard time emotionally. This time has been better, I have been able to think things through, and I think maybe she is right. Maybe it would be better for us emotionally and physically for us to wait.

I talked to Spencer about this tonight and we have different takes on this. He doesn’t want to do anything to prevent it from happening, but I think it would be nice to have a summer without the stress of worrying if I was pregnant or not every time we go out on the boat or 4 wheelers. It’s just not something that I can express to him. But at the same time, I can understand where he is coming from, because just 2 days ago, I felt the same way. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, that I didn’t want to take her advice. Now that I’ve had a few days to think things through, I think the summer would be so good for us. Have a little us time. We can’t even commit to things a month away right now for fear that I might be pregnant, and it would change our plans.

I want to be able to plan at least for a few weeks, without the fear that something will change, and I will have to cancel, because then every time, I am just left disappointed. I hate feeling that every month. Wondering every month if I am pregnant, and almost crying every month that I am not. I wish there were some way that I could give Spencer a normal life.

I just wish there were some medical miracle that they would find that would solve all the problems that I am currently faced with, and make it so that we can have the family that we so desperately desire.

I truly believe that things happen for a reason, and that we are not tested beyond what we can take, but sometimes I wonder if the reason is that I am not a fit mother, or if it is that I am not able to withstand all that is being thrown at me right now. I know that I need to start doing more. There are a lot of things that I think, if I just improve on this, then we will be able to have children. The thing that keeps me from doing it is that I know that even if I start doing all these things that I am falling short on, it won’t change that I have poly-cystic ovary syndrome. It won’t change that I have had 2 miscarriage, and feel so lost about both of them, and it won’t change that I feel like there is a wedge being driven between me and Spencer, called Infertility. I haven’t even told pretty much anyone about this miscarriage because they didn’t know I was pregnant, and I am afraid to hear what they have to say.

I am still young, I know that, I am only 25 years old, but in Utah, that’s old to not have any kids yet. Everyone looks at you and wonders why you don’t already have 2 or 3 by 25. At least that’s the way I feel. I feel like I am justifying myself to everyone. “Oh, I have a career” “Once Spencer is out of school we’ll have kids” But really what I am saying is “Who knows if we will ever have kids, but this gives me a few more years before they ask again.” I heard a story recently of a family who couldn’t have children, and they had been married for 5 years or so, and bought a new car, and were told by people how selfish they were to spend their money on a new car instead of starting a family. I wonder if people think the same thing of us. How selfish of them, to go out and buy a new car, do all these expensive things, yet they don’t start a family.

I know most of this is just things that I can’t stop fretting about, but it helps to get them out of my head, and into word form so that I can see how silly my fears and how petty my worries are. I just want these things so much, but I also know that I need to recover emotionally so that I can get my head back on my shoulders to move on. I need to deal with things without ignoring it.

Our third Angel

(I wrote this post on Febuary 27 but changed the date so that it would be in a more logical position. Also I didn't want it to be the top post.)

Ever since I posted about our infertility and miscarriage I knew that I had was intentionally leaving something out. I had tried to pretend like it didn't happen, but no amount of pretending will change life, so after a month of struggling with my decision I decided it was time to talk about our sweet angel number three.

Right after Roman was born I started getting sick. Some mornings I would have such bad headaches that I would be physically sick. By the time Roman was about a month old I was getting sick a few times a week. Finally I talked to our neighbor who is a chiropractor about it. She did a scan of my neck and back and my neck was seriously out of alignment. I started going to her to try to correct the problem. After a few weeks I started feeling a little better, but I was still really tired and just couldn't ever feel all the way well. I assumed it was from lack of sleep and constantly holding Roman.

The weekend that Roman turned 2 months old my sister, Roman and I went down to St George to see Spencer's cousin. On the way home we stopped at a rest stop to go to the restroom and I called Spencer to let him know we were on our way home. I told Spencer of all the crummy timing I started my period at the rest stop. When we got home I was really cramping so I took a few Excedrin and tried to forget about it. That night I couldn't even hold Roman to get him to sleep I just was in so much pain. I was in tears in was hurting so much. We went to bed around 11:00 but I was never able to get to sleep. Finally I got up and took a bath and realized that I wasn't having a horrible period, I was having a miscarriage. I have always had D&C's so I had never had a natural miscarriage before and it was horrible. By 3:00 in the morning I just couldn't handle it anymore. I prayed and told Heavenly Father I needed his help, I couldn't handle the pain anymore so it either needed to be over or he needed to tell me what to do. I immediately noticed a water bottle on the counter and had the prompting to use it as a heat pack. I filled it with hot water and went to the couch. I was able to finally fall asleep until about 3:30 when I got up and finally passed everything. I called the doctor the first thing the next morning and they were able to squeeze me in that morning. I was shocked when the doctor said it loooked like I had been about 12 weeks pregnant. I hadn't even known. It was so much to digest, I was pregnant, now I wasn't. How did I feel about it? I was in total denial. This could not be happening to me again. Silly as it sounds I was scared that Katie would be upset that I hadn't told her that I was pregnant. How could I if I didn't even know?? Then I started blaming myself. Finally I started avoiding it, I didn't even go to my follow-up appointment to make sure I didn't have an infection. I just totally shut it all out. I was so scared that I would lose Roman if anyone knew.

February has always been a hard month for me with losses, our second miscarriage was February 18, 2004 my brother-in-laws 19th birthday and as I was in the hospital having a D&C my sister-in-law left a message that our nephew was born. Then Februray 1, 2006 the little boy that we were first chosen to adopt was born, and now as I was dealing with those two this year, I realized had I not miscarried, I would have been due in February. I held Roman so tight the entire month of Febraury. He is the greatest blessing in our lives, I don't know what I would do without his sweet spirit. I realized this year that we have had a lot of pain, but we have so much joy! February 18, 2008 Roman said Ahma (Mamma) for the first time. What a beautiful blessing. February 28, 2008 Roman said Dadadadadadada for the first time. Feburay is also so full of Joy for us now.

I know one day I will understand why we have needed to go through all this. Why with fertility treatments I have never been able to get pregnant, but when we are not trying, somehow I am. I have learned that Heavenly Father truely does have a plan for our family, and even if I don't understand it now, eventually I will understand. I have learned that Heavenly Father's plans is usually better than mine anyway. I just need to be patient and realize that He won't leave us comfortless!