Revisiting Emotions

Every once in a while things will jump up and just out of no where remind me of the struggles that we have gone through. For the most part until I started this blog I was very private about everything. It has been very empowering to be able to open up about everything but I still have these occasional shocking reminders that are just hard to handle at times.

This week I have been working on moving everything from our computer to my external hard drive. This means that I have to look at old files to see if they are worth keeping. I came across an old file labeled "Journal Entry." From March 11, 2004, a few weeks after my second miscarriage. I relived the pain of that time reading the struggles that we were having. INFERTILITY SUCKS! Seriously. My heart is so heavy remembering all the hurt that I felt. I still feel it at times. I am so very thankful for the Miracle of Adoption. It has healed some of the pain.

Here were my thoughts in March, 2004.

March 11, 2004


There are so many things in my mind, I can’t sleep, so I wanted to try to get them out of my head. Recently we have had to make some very thought provoking decisions. Three weeks ago we had our second miscarriage. Until you have gone through that experience, you have no idea what a great loss it is. I used to hear people talk of Miscarriage, and I didn’t think much of it. Well, we want to have a child so badly, but the Dr is saying that we should wait at least 9 months before we try again. The last time that I had a miscarriage, I had such a hard time emotionally. This time has been better, I have been able to think things through, and I think maybe she is right. Maybe it would be better for us emotionally and physically for us to wait.

I talked to Spencer about this tonight and we have different takes on this. He doesn’t want to do anything to prevent it from happening, but I think it would be nice to have a summer without the stress of worrying if I was pregnant or not every time we go out on the boat or 4 wheelers. It’s just not something that I can express to him. But at the same time, I can understand where he is coming from, because just 2 days ago, I felt the same way. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, that I didn’t want to take her advice. Now that I’ve had a few days to think things through, I think the summer would be so good for us. Have a little us time. We can’t even commit to things a month away right now for fear that I might be pregnant, and it would change our plans.

I want to be able to plan at least for a few weeks, without the fear that something will change, and I will have to cancel, because then every time, I am just left disappointed. I hate feeling that every month. Wondering every month if I am pregnant, and almost crying every month that I am not. I wish there were some way that I could give Spencer a normal life.

I just wish there were some medical miracle that they would find that would solve all the problems that I am currently faced with, and make it so that we can have the family that we so desperately desire.

I truly believe that things happen for a reason, and that we are not tested beyond what we can take, but sometimes I wonder if the reason is that I am not a fit mother, or if it is that I am not able to withstand all that is being thrown at me right now. I know that I need to start doing more. There are a lot of things that I think, if I just improve on this, then we will be able to have children. The thing that keeps me from doing it is that I know that even if I start doing all these things that I am falling short on, it won’t change that I have poly-cystic ovary syndrome. It won’t change that I have had 2 miscarriage, and feel so lost about both of them, and it won’t change that I feel like there is a wedge being driven between me and Spencer, called Infertility. I haven’t even told pretty much anyone about this miscarriage because they didn’t know I was pregnant, and I am afraid to hear what they have to say.

I am still young, I know that, I am only 25 years old, but in Utah, that’s old to not have any kids yet. Everyone looks at you and wonders why you don’t already have 2 or 3 by 25. At least that’s the way I feel. I feel like I am justifying myself to everyone. “Oh, I have a career” “Once Spencer is out of school we’ll have kids” But really what I am saying is “Who knows if we will ever have kids, but this gives me a few more years before they ask again.” I heard a story recently of a family who couldn’t have children, and they had been married for 5 years or so, and bought a new car, and were told by people how selfish they were to spend their money on a new car instead of starting a family. I wonder if people think the same thing of us. How selfish of them, to go out and buy a new car, do all these expensive things, yet they don’t start a family.

I know most of this is just things that I can’t stop fretting about, but it helps to get them out of my head, and into word form so that I can see how silly my fears and how petty my worries are. I just want these things so much, but I also know that I need to recover emotionally so that I can get my head back on my shoulders to move on. I need to deal with things without ignoring it.