Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for adoption. This past weekend was the National FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) conference. I have not been looking forward to it the entire time. In fact I finally registered so late that I bought RIGHT before ticket sales closed. Literally days before the conference began.

I am so thankful that because of the blessings of adoption I am able to be a mother, something I wondered if I would ever become. As we started the adoption process they said that we would gain a testimony of adoption. I thought that sounded so strange, but I have truly gained a testimony of adoption. I know that Roman was supposed to be a part of our family. We were just extra blessed because we gained more than just a child. We were blessed with an amazing birthmother as well.

Not only have we been blessed by having Roman enter our home, but we have been blessed by the failed adoptions too. I know that may sound even more kooky than the testimony of adoption but it's true. I don't think ever allowing your heart to open up and love another human being is ever bad for you. Sure it opens your heart up for hurt at times, but it also helps it to grow. Our hearts truly have grown through this process.

I have seen the blessings that adoption has brought to so many families. Families that are now eternal families. I have seen how adoption has not only blessed our family, but it has changed me in a real and profound way. I have learned that I have to think of others before myself, not just because I have a child, but because I realized that during those last few weeks before Roman was born we really learned that we had to love Katie, before ourselves, before Roman, before anything else, Katie was the most important person (She is still right up there!). If we hadn't realized that, I don't know if we would have the relationship with Katie that we have.

I am so thankful that we have an open adoption. We had the opportunity to have Katie stay with us for the weekend to go to the conference also. What an incredible blessing. It opened my eyes to hear all the stories and experiences. I realized that every single adoption is different, every experience is different but there is strength in numbers. Just to have the opportunity to talk to other birthmothers, to hear their testimonies was amazing. To hear birthfathers talk about their love for their children was inspiring. And to hear about these families that have gone out and opened the community and the worlds eyes to adoption. I hope they are able to continue to put adoption in a positive light.

Adoption is amazing, it really is about love!

Everyday Miracles

Look at these miracles. These babies are all miracles! About 5 years ago I joined a group on Babycenter that was part of the LDS Families Board for women struggling with infertility. We started out as the "Infertile Mertyles" Then somewhere along the line we were shortened to "The Infert's group." I had a hard time accepting and talking about my infertility at first and these girls were great. They knew what I was going through and they were so supportive.

Over the years people have come and gone from the group but one thing has remained, the feeling of support and friendship.

On Wednesday I was able to go to lunch with 4 other "Infert" girls. We all have different stories but they are really not that different. We all have wanted to have babies and for one reason or another we have not been able to. Now through one resource or another, we have all been blessed with at least one sweet miracle.

I am so thankful for the love and support all the "infert" girls have given me and the others. It has made the road a little easier to travel and it's nice to know there is someone there who knows what you are going through and you know they genuinely care about you.

Mommy

I am sorry it has been so long since I have posted on this blog. Our lives have been very up in the air and I have been putting so many things on the back burner. This blog too unfortunately.

Last night I had a realization that I had to share here.

Every once in a while something clicks for me. Last night I realized how much I LOVE the word Mommy. For so many years I wanted to hear that simple word, wondered if I ever would. Even whined, cried, screamed it is music to my ears. Okay, maybe not music, but I love hearing him say that sweet word. Last night we had a rough night. Roman wanted to sleep right up against my back, if I moved I heard a sweet "mommy." How can I be mad when he says that?

I never want to take that word for granted. I waited 6 1/2 years to be called Mommy, a nd thankfully I have been given the opportunity to have this sweet angel boy in my life.

Ever have one of those nights?

Do you ever have one of those nights where you sit up wondering about EVERYTHING? Literally everything. Tonight is one of those nights for me.

I wonder how I am doing as a parent.
I wonder if I am doing everything I should, should he know his alphabet yet?
Do I teach him enough?
I wonder if I am letting him be independent enough.
I wonder if I am dependable enough.

I wonder how his Mommy Katie is. (worry about her is more like it, we love her so much and just want everything to be perfect for her!)
I wonder about our future birthmother(s).
I wonder if they are okay.
I wonder if they are already struggling with hard decisions in their life.

I wonder why some of us need to be tested to the point that we feel like we are going to break.
I wonder why one person's trial is a blessing for another.
I wonder how many lives that blessing truly blesses (I can't even begin to count how many lives Roman has blessed!).

Obviously I am not the only person who has had a night like this. I think of the song "Just a few Questions" by Clay Walker

How in this world can we put a man on the moon,
And still have a need for a place like St Jude's?
And why is one man born,
In a place where all they know is war?
And a guy like me,
Has always been free.

And how can two people who built a loving home,
Try for years and never have a child of their own?
When somewhere out there tonight,
There's a baby no-one's holding tight:
In need of love.
To me, that don't add up.

But I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

And why did my cousin have to die in that crash?
A good kid, only seventeen, I still wonder about that.
It seems unfair to me,
Some get the chance to chase their dreams,
And some don't.
But what do I know?

I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

Why do I feel like you hear these prayers of mine.
When so many oughta be ahead of me in line?
When you look down on me,
Can you see the good through all the bad?
These just a few questions I have.

I get by with a little help from my friends!

I have some amazing friends, who have helped us so much in getting things ready to adopt again. My friend Liz told me of a website that we could do digital scrapbook pages for our photo pages for our adoption profile. She sat on the phone with me for over an hour walking me through how to use the program, and we finished my first page. It turned out great. I sent it to be printed and it was grainy. I talked to my friend Sarah and unfortunately the program that we had used doesn't have an option to increase the size so we had to redo it. I don't have a program to digital scrapbook so Sarah took the pages and recreated them (perfectly I might add).

The only thing we are waiting on now is Spencer's doctors appointment on Friday and we are ready to go


(We had the family pictures on the first page taken a few weeks ago by our friend Kim. If you want to see full size of the pictures she has them on her website. She is amazing!)

We have taken the leap, just waiting for the offical approval!

Last Wednesday we had our homestudy so now we are just waiting for the word from the agency that we are officially waiting (Finding).

It has been so much easier for me to go through to motions of getting everything ready this time because I knew what to expect. It was not stepping out into the unknown. We knew that we had interviews, questionnaires, physicals, background checks, and homestudy. It was so much easier, and I was so much more at ease.

I have been amazed the peace that has come over me the past few months that this is all in the Lord's hands. I know that if it were up to me, I wouldn't be able to do this, but with God I have learned that anything is possible.

I know that as I was talking about our last adoption I mentioned that LDS Family Services encourages families to find their birthmother. Right now there are so many more adoptive couples than birthmothers in Utah. Last time I heard it was something like 7 adoptive couples to each birthmother. This means that every couple needs to be proactive.

How can we be proactive you ask? That's where you (anyone, everyone) can help! If you know of a birthmother who may be interested in placing her child for adoption or just wants more information about her options before making a decision, please have her call LDS Family Services and ask for an appointment with one of the social workers. If she is interested, she can learn more about us by viewing our adoption blog at http://www.spencerandwendy.blogspot.com/.

We are excited to welcome a new member to our family! Thanks for all the support that you have all given us! We are anxious to embark on this new adventure!

I'm adopted too!

This weekend while we out of town for the FSA conference we stayed with Spencer's step-sister and her family. They have the cutest kids and it was so much fun to see them again! We saw them last summer when Roman was born, but hadn't seen them in over a year. Stephanie and Adam were married for about 8 years and went through all the heartache to begin their family and finally decided to adopt. They didn't wait long and their lives were blessed with a beautiful baby boy with striking blue eyes and a winning smile. Fast forward 5 years and he is a smart amazing little boy with 4 younger siblings (apparently Peter just needed to join the family before the others could come along, he is the best big brother! He was made for the role). He is such a great big brother, and so polite.

We got to their house late Saturday night so all the kids were already gone to bed before we got there. Sunday morning as we were getting ready for church Peter was sitting there playing with Roman as I fed him a banana and I told Peter that Roman was adopted too. It took him a minute and I saw him make the connection and his eyes just lit up. We talked about it for a few minutes and I told him that Roman was born there and we had come so that we could see his birthmom, he was just so excited.

Watching that light just brighten his eyes made my day but after that Peter just had a connection with Roman. He wanted to play with him all the time, he was always bringing him toys and was just his little guardian.

This morning as we were getting ready to come home we had to leave their house around 7:30 to make it to the airport in time. I was trying to hurry and get Roman fed and dressed and everything to the car. I kept asking Roman to finish his bottle and Peter asked "can he finish his bottle in the car so we can play for a few more minutes please?" How could I say no to that?

I hope that Roman can always have this bond with his cousin! They are such super special boys!

One year as a mother

Friday my little man turned one. I have spent a lot of time reflecting over the past year, two years, eight years, ten years. This year has been absolutely amazing. I still have time that I look at this sweet little boy and can't believe that I am his mother.



Ten years ago Spencer and I had been dating for almost a year and he was getting ready to leave on a mission. We had our whole lives ahead of us filled with so many dreams. We didn't know where our lives would take us, but we knew that we had strong feelings for each other and that we wanted to spend our lives together.

Eight years ago (next month actually) Spencer climbed off a plane in Salt Lake, tan, smiling, and ready to conquer the world. Thankfully our love had survived those 2 years and we were able to begin our life together.

Two years ago I wondered if Heavenly Father even remembered me. We had waited so long, and had endured so much, I just needed the reassurance that he was there, he knew me, and that he hadn't forgotten about our little family.

One year ago I was living in a hotel with a newborn little boy, spending as much time as we could (when we weren't sleeping) with his Mommy Katie. I felt so much and I still feel so much that I can't explain, and don't really understand completely. Having that sweet baby in my arms was such a blessing and it was terrifying. He was completely dependant on us for everything.

Over the past year he has grown so much. He has become so much more independent than I ever imagined. He will tell me no just because he can. He goes full speed and loves being around people. He gives the best hugs and kisses anyone could ever ask for. He is smart, and funny (and he knows it).

Thinking back over the past year the day that I think was the most special, more so than placement day, finalization, his birthday, was the day that we were sealed as a family. It was the perfect day. I think of us all dressed in white at the alter. We struggled for so long to decide who to have hold Roman and we finally asked Katie if she would hold him for the sealing. It made that day so much more meaningful.

This year has been filled with so many blessings, I am thankful that Heavenly Father remembered our family. He blessed us with the sweetest boy, the most amazing mommy Katie, and loving family and friends.

Huge breath and even bigger leap of faith!

I have been waiting for a week, two weeks maybe to post that I started this blog. I guess I have waited because we haven't officially done anything with LDS Family Services because we can't until next month when Roman turns one. I think part of it is that I am scared. I feel like I am jumping off a cliff again. I can't tell if there is a bottom, and it's scary. I feel so much different than I did the first time though. The first time I didn't know what to expect. This time I do (a tiny bit, even though it can be so different every time). Last time I was scared to tell anyone that we were adopting, this time I want everyone who will listen to know! I am also scared that I won't know what to do with TWO children. I know that if it is supposed to happen, it will, I was scared how I would handle one, Heavenly Father really has taken care of our family!

We had originally planned to wait until Roman was 18 months old to turn in adoption paperwork for a second adoption. I love where we are at. I love watching Roman grow and learn things, and I was content to wait. Unfortunately, after a few weeks of this gnawing feeling, I finally talked to Spencer and he had the same feeling. We need to get things started again. Why? We don't know! For all we know it could take 3 years again, but we know that we are doing everything that we can and it's out of our hands. We know that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family, and we are doing what he asked us to do, and he will take care of us. (Please someone remind me of this when I get worried about this all later!)

So if any of you out there know of anyone who is thinking of placing a baby for adoption, or if you feel like posting a box on your blog so others can see our information. We won't have anything done officially for probably a month and a half but I have had this feeling all day that says "get with the program, you have the blog done (mostly), get it posted!" So here's to following promptings, or the spirit, or whatever this may be. I am sure my stomach will be in knots now for weeks because I made the jump but like I said, we are just doing what we can and leaving the rest in the Lord's hands!

Placement

I recently read my blog and realized I never finished telling our adoption story. I decided as we are approaching Roman's first birthday that I should complete our story as we are preparing to begin our next adventure.

As I mentioned a few months ago, we were able to somehow (I know that we had heavenly help) make it before Roman was born. I forgot to mention, while I was in the room when Roman was born, Spencer had to wait in the waiting room. He was pacing the halls as much as he was waiting in the waiting room. Finally after about an hour Spencer was able to come into the room and see Roman for the first time.

It was after 11:00 pm when Spencer was finally able to see Roman. We left the hospital around midnight to go find our hotel. Thursday we were able to go see Katie and Roman in the hospital for about an hour, but we tried to let that be her day with him.

Because Roman was born so late (9:43 pm) the doctors said Katie would either be released Thursday night (late) or Friday morning. She chose Friday morning to give herself a little more time to heal, and a little more time with Roman.

Friday morning I felt so many emotions. I think time slowed down that morning. 10:00 felt like it was never going to get there. As we were getting ready to leave for the hospital Katie's caseworker, Jason, called us and asked if we would bring an outfit for Roman because he had already made a mess in the one Katie had for him. We met Jason in the hospital lobby to fill out foster care paperwork and to give him Roman's clothes. (The state Roman was born in requires 72 hours before a birthmother can relinquish parental rights, so until then we would be his foster parents.)

We waited while Jason went up to see Katie and to give her the clothes for Roman. We went in and took a few pictures then stepped out to give Katie a chance to feed Roman and just so that she was able to spend a few more minutes alone with him.


We all walked down to the lobby together Katie, Roman and I waited in the lobby while Spencer and Katie's mom went to get the cars. We walked out of the hospital together. Katie gave Roman another kiss, Katie and I hugged and I thanked her, then we followed each other to the freeway, they went one direction, we went the other.


We had official placement at the LDS Family Services office Sunday morning. We met at the agency. Katie was already there and had already signed her paperwork. We went in and signed paperwork then went into the conference room and visited with Katie and her mom. We sat and visited for about 30-45 minutes but felt bad that we were making them work on a Sunday so we left the agency and went to Cheesecake Factory for lunch.


I realized at that lunch that Katie would always be a part of our lives. She made me a mother, and for that I am eternally thankful. Roman made her a birthmother, and we hope that she will always be a huge part of his life as she is now!

Happy Mother's Day

I posted this on Roman's blog for Mother's Day but decided that I wanted to repost it here as well.

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.
And now you ask me, through your tears,
the age-old question unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love.

© Author Unknown

Q&A on our open adoption

We have had a lot of questions about how open adoptions work and how ours has worked, and just questions and general concerns. We were able to visit with Mommy Katie again this week so I thought this would be a great opportunity to answer questions that we have had asked. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. If I don't know the answer it's probably a great question that I should consider.

Q - What is an open adoption?

A - Open adoption is a term generally used to describe a variety of arrangements allowing for ongoing contact. The level of openness in any relationship varies widely. Degrees of open arrangements span from mediated contact, which implies letters and photographs sent through a third party (so that the adoptive family can maintain privacy), to full disclosure of the adoptive family's personal information. In fully open adoptions, there is actual physical contact, through meetings and visits between the birth family and the adoptive family.

We have a very open adoption. We send e-mails weekly, we e-mail pictures and send pictures whenever we have them taken professionally through the mail, and have face to face visits (so far the visits have been about every 3 months, but we don't have a set schedule, it's just whenever they happen)

Q - How did you decide on an open adoption?

A - Our contact started outside the agency and very open so it would have been silly to try to have a closed adoption after already knowing so much and being so open with Katie. Katie told us from the start that she wanted an open adoption and we were fine with that. Every situation is different but for us this was the right decision. There are situations where an open adoption may not be the best option, it is a very personal decision for the adoptive couple and for the birth parents.

Q - Are you afraid that he will be confused by having an open adoption?

A -Roman knows that Katie loves him and cared enough to want the very best for him. She made a beautiful book for Roman explaining why she chose adoption. The best part about having an open adoption is if Roman has questions that we can not answer when he is older, he can ask her.

Q - When do you plan on telling Roman that he is adopted?

A - He already knows. Rather than deciding on a day or an age we decided that he will always know that he is adopted, that it is part of who he is. It doesn't make him any different, and we make sure that it's a positive thing. My husband recently realized that it really bothers him when children teasing each other say "well you're adopted." It's not a bad thing. It can be a very good thing.

Q - How do you refer to his birthmother? Do you call her mom, Katie, do you have a name that you call her?

A - Every family is different in what they call their child's birthmother. We decided that until Roman can decide on his own we are going to call Katie "Mommy Katie." Once he is old enough to decide he can choose what he wants to call her, as long as it is respectful.

Q - Are you afraid he will be confused by having two mom's?

A - While Roman does have two mom's, I am his mom and Katie is his "Mommy Katie" more in the role of a favorite aunt.

Q - Are you afraid Katie will want Roman back?

A - No. By having an open adoption she is able to see that he is healthy and happy and that is what she wanted for him. That is why she chose an adoption plan. By having an open relationship I am less concerned about that than I would be with a closed adoption because we know that she is happy with her decision.

Q - Are you afraid when Roman is older he will tell you that you are not his "real" mom?

A - I think that is something that can happen whether a child is adopted or not. The bottom line is I am his real mom, just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean that I am not his mother.

Q - Are you afraid that he will want to go live with his "real" mom when he is older?

A - He already lives with his real mom.

Q - Are you ever nervous or do you feel judged (by his birthmom) because you have an open adoption?

A - At first I was really nervous that Katie wouldn't approve of how I was as a mother, but as I have gotten more comfortable as a mother I have realized that we both want what is best for Roman and hopefully she can see that I am trying to do what is best for him.

If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask. As I said before, I am happy to answer questions on adoption.

Expectant Mother

One year ago today I became an expectant mother. I didn't see a positive pregnancy test, I didn't have a doctor congratulate me.

I woke up early, there was really no reason, I just couldn't sleep.

It was 6:00 in the morning and I immediately checked my e-mail.

I did a triple check when it said "You have an e-card from Katie"

I was shaking and hurried to open the card.

Of course it felt like forever that the screen said loading, then this sweet music started to play and I saw little umbrella's as parachutes with gifts attached showering down the screen.
Words started to Appear

"Heard you have a bundle of Love on the way!"

My heart skipped a beat.

Another screen appeared that said "Congratulations" and told us that we were to be parents.


I read the card at least 10 times before I couldn't contain my joy any longer.

It was a Saturday and I knew that Spencer would sleep until noon if I didn't wake him.

I grabbed the laptop and ran up to our room.

Again shaking I opened the computer, woke him up, and showed him the card.

I said it before but my life has changed so much this year.

Because of a beautiful Mommy Katie, our lives are forever improved!

We love you Katie!

'Open' adoptions good for kids

Whenever I hear a news teaser about adoption stories I am always interested. I just have to say Thank you to NBC. Today they did a very short story about adoption. I love hearing positive stories about adoption. As soon as I saw this story I immediately went to their website to see if I could find it to post. Not only did they have the story, but also three links about adoption. Thank you NBC for your positive view and for helping families like ours to grow and help explain adoption.



The first link that was posted was for the American Academy of Family Physicians. It answers Frequently asked questions about adoption.

The second link was to the Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute. This site has some great articles about adoption.

The third link was to the Spence-Chapin Services. This is an adoption agency that does domestic and international adoptions with a great article on open adoptions. It explains it so well!

One year ago today. . .

One year ago today I received an e-mail that changed our lives forever. I have been very reflective this week thinking about all that has happened this year. How our lives have changed. One year ago today I had no idea that at the same time one year later I would be wrestling with a rambunctious 8 month old. I didn't know that I would be a stay at home mom, and I definitely didn't know that I would be writing all of this. Before Roman was born I was SO reserved, I would even say embarrassed by everything. I never spoke of the problems that we had, I went so far as going along with comments that were made along the lines that we were never having children, because deep down I was afraid that we may not.

If you had told me that I would have a blog where I wrote about all our struggles to start a family I would have laughed. I am still a little uncomfortable putting everything we have gone through out there for anyone to see, but realize that it is because so many people are uncomfortable talking about infertility and miscarriages that I didn't know what to expect.

One year doesn't seem like very long, and an eternity all at the same time.

One year in the grand scheme of things is not very long.

But One year has changed my life for eternity!

Something Perfect

I love song lyrics. So many times they say the words that I can't expess. A little over a month ago a bought a book about adoption called "From God's arms to my arms to Yours" by Michael McLean. The title song has been used for years. It was written by a birthmother who wanted to send with her child a song that expressed her love for him. After years of requests and stories that Michael McLean received from birthmotheres and adoptive parents he decided that the one song was not enough, and he felt that he needed to have songs that showed the different aspects of adoption. The book has the lyrics to each of the songs and a little introduction to them. I have grown to absolutely love this book and there is one song in particular that I find running through my head almost daily. It's called "Something Perfect" and it's about the joy that the adoptive parents feels after they have finally become parents.

Something Perfect

There's an ache that's missing today
There's an emptiness that's been filled
There's a cloud that's lifting and drifting away
There's a ragin' storm that's been stilled
There's a joy that's real
There's a wound that's finally healed
There's a future replacing the past
There's breath of new life in the cast

And there's something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fears
And through countless tomorrows
It won't disappear
This something that's perfect
Happening here

No one knows, so no one can say
That tomorrow all will be well
Will the brightest promise that shines on today
Shine tomorrow? No one can tell
But one thing is sure
And will be forever more
When such unselfish love has been given
The world just made more room for heaven

And there's something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fear
And through countless tomorrows it won't disappear
This something that's perfect
Happening here

I Would Die for That

I was looking at another blog on adoption this morning and I saw this video. It was very moving. I watched it and thought "I can't go without sharing this." So here it is.

I Would Die for That

by Kelly Coffee

Found

As I said LDS family Services encourages adoptive couples to find their birthmother. In our case she found us. After that first e-mail we didn't hear back from Katie for another 2 weeks, and when we did she was going through some really hard things, but we started e-mailing. It felt like we were old friends. It was so easy to e-mail with Katie, but so scary at the same time. I told Spencer so many times that no matter what happened I wanted to support her because she was such an amazing person.

About a month later (March 30, 2007) Katie sent us the cutest e-card, I had to check the date on the calender to make sure it wasn't some cruel April Fools joke. She told us that she had been praying and she knew that he was supposed to be part of our family.

She was 28 weeks pregnant at that point, and we continuted to e-mailed regularly. I still had the fear in the back of my mind that it wasn't going to happen. I think she knew how scared I was because where we should have been the ones reassuring her that everything was going to be okay, she was reassuring us.

Katie was coming to Utah a few weeks later to see her niece be blessed, so we were able to meet her. It actually worked out perfectly. We were leaving for California (to See Spencer's family and meet up with his brother that we were going to Hawaii with) then Hawaii just 2 days after she was here, if it had been the next weekend we would have missed each other. We met at PF Chang in Provo for dinner. I was so scared what if we didn't recognize each other, what if she didn't like us? What if she decided she was wrong? Fortunately we recognized her right off, we hd no problems talking, it was like seeing an old friend. The waiter was so funny, he had no idea what he was asking when he asked if we were there for a special occasion, we said "Sort of" he asked "A birthday?" Katie said "Yes, there will be a birthday" We all laughed and he walked off a little confused. We sat and talked and showed each other pictures and laughed, and just had such a fun, easy time. We went outside after we were done eating dinner so that we could visit a little more and who should walk past but Katie's Dad, Step-mom, Brother, and Grandma. So we were able to meet them and Katie's dad took a picture of the three of us together. (Well 4 if you count the bump.)

We decided that we were going to be a little mean when we told our families that we were expecting a baby again. We waited until we were getting on the plane to go to California and just as we were boarding the plane we sent out a mass text message to all of Spencer's family with an ultrasound picture and it said under the bottom "It's a boy." We didn't even get a chance to turn off our cell phones before they started ringing. We got on the plane and had so many missed calls and text messages when we finally got to California.

The 3 months from when we found out that she had chosen us until he was born was so scary. I was constantly worried that we were going to get to the end again and have her decide that she just couldn't do it. (I wouldn't blame her either, he is one adorable little boy.)

June finally came and Katie had things set up for a scheduled induction, she was going to be induced on June 25 (Which was a Monday), but didn't make it, she called 5 days earlier to say her water had broken. She lived a state away, Spencer and I were both at work, we didn't have bags packed, heck I didn't even have a car at work. I had carpooled to work that day, thankfully my friend Ilein had just happened to stop by the office to drop off a baby gift. She was also pregnant, due the same day. She was nice enough to take me home, I was on the phone the entire time. We somehow made it home, packed bags, tickets, hotel, rental car booked, and to the airport in about 2 1/2 hours. We were to the hospital 800 someodd miles away within about 5 1/2 hours from the time we got the call that her water had broken, and I was able to be in the room when Roman was born.

Waiting Continued

After the trip to Texas I wanted to get things going full swing again. We came home, I called the caseworker and told her we wanted our profile reactived and I wanted to get things going. The best thing that came from the failed adoption is it gave us the opportunity to start talking to people about our plans to adopt. It really gave us the chance to open up.

It took over a month for our profile to be reactivated, and I was so discouraged to learn that our profile had lost "seniority." Basically what happens is this, a birthmother will say what she is looking for, the caseworker will go through their "book" of profiles and find the first 10 that match her criteria, give those to her, then if she doesn't find a match in those 10 they will give 10 more. We went all the way to the back of the book again, and on the website we were clear at the bottom.

I wasn't even sure I wanted to adopt still to be completely honest. I knew that my body probably couldn't support a healthy pregnancy, but I wanted to be a mother SO badly, and I didn't know if I could take the heartache of another failed adoption. So I went back to my doctor and started fertility treatments again. We did this for 8 months, nothing. Finally we were back to the point that our last option was Invetro again and decided that we would wait until after Spencer changed jobs in May because his new job would cover fertility treatments, and we were draining our adoption funds trying something that obviously wasn't working.

By January I just couldn't take the waiting with no results any longer and I started calling adoption agencies to see what other agencies there were that were under $15,000. I found 3 and had them all send me their initial paperwork and what we would need to do to activate our profile with them as well. In just over a month I had filled out paperwork for all 3 agencies and was ready to send. Then, out of the blue, I had a birthmother that e-mailed me, she had seen that we were trying to adopt, and she wanted to see our profile. I didn't know what it was, but I decided to hold off on sending out the applications.

Waiting and Heart Aching

Our adoption profile was approved November 2004. We had our first phone call from our caseworker in December, a baby with Downs Syndrome, a heart defect, and Gastric Intestinal problems, would we like to have our profile shown to these birthparents? It was so exciting to have that call, but we knew that it wasn't something that we could handle. Then January a baby was born in Hawaii, the birthmother wanted to look at a few profiles, could they send ours? Of course we said yes!! Well, after a few questions, we were eliminated. Every few months our caseworker would call to check in with us, see how we were, they had to do quarterly updates, but that was it. The calls stopped coming.

On January 20, 2006, I was at work and our caseworker called and said she needed to talk to Spencer and me that day, as soon as possible. I asked her if we had been chosen, she said "I can't say anything, I really need to meet with you today though." I got off work early, we set things up to all meet at Spencer's office that afternoon. We sat down in the conference room and she started out by asking how we were doing, then went on to tell us that we had been chosen by a birthmother who was due in about a week and a half. She took a paper out of her bag, the only information that she had, a data sheet of information about the birthmother and birthfather. She then informed us that the birthmother wanted to meet us the next Friday.

My head was just spinning, after all this waiting, and we had only a few days to get things ready. I went to Babies'r'Us on my way home, bought a carseat and stroller, a few clothes, diapers, wipes. I remember saying so many times "Most people have 9 months to prepare, we have 9 days, maybe, if she doesn't go into labor early." I was running around frantic all week. By the next Friday when we went to meet Brittany (the birthmother) I felt fairly prepared. I even made sure I had the carseat installed in the car and the bags in the trunk just in case she went into labor while we were down meeting her just in case.

We met Brittany and her parents at the LDS Family Services office that she was going through. Her case worker was really great at helping start conversation and keeping it going. It was hard to start a conversation with someone that you didn't know at all, really didn't know anything about and they were planning to give you the greatest gift. We were there for about 3 hours, looked at photo albums, talked about our families, our plans, then took a few pictures then we drove the 4 1/2 hours back home.

Every night I slept with my cell phone right next to the bed just in case they called during the night. My phone finally rang Wednesday morning. Brittany had given birth the night before but she was having second thoughts. Our caseworker told us to hang tight, her caseworker and her bishop were going to go over and talk to her and they would let us know what was happening. That day was one of the longest days of my life. I didn't go to work because I was just waiting for them to call and say "Okay, things are all worked out, come on down." But I knew that wasn't realistic. I knew that I needed to start planning that this wasn't going to happen. Finally that evening our case worker called back. Brittany had decided to parent rather than place. I knew by then that was going to be the outcome but it didn't make it any easier. I felt like I had failed all over again.


I made 2 phone calls, it was all I could do. I called my mom, and I called my neighbor who has taken us under her wing and has been a second family to us. The next day the phones started ringing. Everyone wanted to give us their condolances. They wanted to tell us how sorry they were, and they wanted to tell us that they loved us. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I couldn't keep talking about it. I couldn't even stand to look at the bedroom door to the nursery, let alone walk into the room and take care of things, or go out to the car and take the carseat out.


On a whim we got on a plane and left the state. We went to Texas for a week to visit where Spencer had served his mission. I know I was just avoiding things, but I needed to be able to get away from things to heal. The time with just the two of us was just what I needed. We drove down the beach for an entire day. Getting out to sit on the sand. We watched the sunset. We saw people he knew from his mission. We drove around for over an hour to find the house that Spencer lived in. We went to the San Antonio Temple, walked the river walk. I was able to realize that we had a family, even though it wasn't the family that I had dreamed of, Heavenly Father was mindful of our little family.