Wanting to choose The Ones.

Where I left off telling my story, I was mentioning a certain website where I was spending a lot of my time…

I’m a researcher. I rarely had questions for my doctor because everything I wanted to know I learned myself by reading online and by getting books from the library. Many of my Google searches for various questions landed me on the same website: Babycenter. Babycenter has quite a bit of information about pregnancy, including those graphic childbirth videos that no one really wants to see. So I ended up on this site quite a bit. Wandering around on the site I found my way to the message boards. On the message boards there are groups for everything you can think of. One of these groups was the LDS board. If you haven’t figured this out already, I am LDS. So naturally I was drawn to this board out of a sense of belonging and mutual understanding. I started posting there- getting answers to questions or just chit-chatting. This was all during the time that I found myself wanting to withdraw from the “real” world, since I found it difficult to trust anyone and also because of that instinct I felt to protect myself and stay close to the nest. It was nice to be able to have so much interaction with people while still being safely and comfortably at home.

Sometime around January, 2007:

For a few months now I was engulfed big time in harsh, bitter reality and longed to see something good and miraculous happen. So I was eager to choose a family. Once I did finally break down and see a caseworker, he encouraged me to wait until I was around 6 months along to choose the family. His reasoning and explanation for that advice made perfect sense to me. But I wanted that emotional rush of finding the ones. I had already been looking at online profiles from time to time, looking for inspiration. What was I looking for?

- College degrees
- Strong testimonies of the gospel
- Intelligence
- Seriousness about the adoption process
- A glimmer, a spark: something in the eyes that speaks to me
- An appreciation for family
- A sense of understanding of my position in all this
- About one state away of distance
- That burning feeling of confirmation

I admit I remember dejectedly looking at profile after profile, clicking from one page to the next and feeling nothing. Or very little. I felt some discouragement that I didn’t seem to be able to find that last criterion- that burning feeling, the overwhelming confirmation that I had found the ones. It just wasn’t happening. I still felt strongly and confidently that adoption was right for me but I just wasn't finding that perfect fit.

So I did something that looking back, surprises me. I just picked one that I liked. Don’t get me wrong, there was nothing wrong or inferior about the couple I chose. They fit all of my criteria with the sole exception that I liked them, I just didn’t overwhelmingly love them. Though I didn’t really know that at the time because I had nothing to compare it to.

February 2007:

I emailed the couple through the LDS Family Services website (which, thank goodness has been completely re-done) and soon we were emailing back and forth, getting to know each other. If I’m remembering correctly it was after a couple weeks of emailing that I told this couple I had chosen them to adopt my baby. Emotional rush! Hooray, just what I had wanted. Yet, again, looking back it just wasn’t quite what it should have or could have been.

Then Valentine’s Day of 2007 came and shook up my whole world.

I am so lucky.

Today on Birthmother's Day, I feel so much gratitude. I am feeling so lucky to be Roman's birth mom. He is truly an amazing little boy. I also feel lucky (or should I say blessed!) to have Wendy and Spencer, who have been so good to me and are truly friends for life. Really, friends for eternity. I could not have wished better parents for Roman or a better support for me. Also I feel so blessed that I was given this incredible experience. Of course it has changed my life so much and I would never go back and change it. Never.

Today I shared some of my adoption experience at a training for LDS Family Services adoptive couples, most of which have not been placed yet. I never exactly love talking about very personal emotions and experiences, and sometimes wonder if I'm articulating my feelings well enough. But I share because my experience has been so overwhelmingly positive. I wanted them to know that they don't need to be afraid of having a very open relationship with their birth moms, and also that the birth moms can be just as blessed by the experience as they are. I believe those are important things to convey.

How did I gain so much from this? I am often at a loss for words to explain just how and why bringing this amazing boy into the world had just a profound impact on me. I scoff at the idea that I am somehow damaged by the experience, and that Wendy and Spencer have benefitted at my expense. This could not be further from the truth. But there are still many misconceptions about adoption. What I want the world to know is that I consider this the greatest thing I have done in my life, and I thank Heavenly Father for giving me the opportunity.

Today at the training, we talked some about adoptive parents who go back on their word about the level of openness and even cut off contact with the birth mother after everything is final. It is rare, but it happens. It caused me to reflect on the relationship I have with Wendy and how grateful I am that she has gone above and beyond in keeping me a part of Roman's life. There is an intense amount of trust in an adoption. First they trusted me when I promised them they would become parents; now I trust them that they will keep me part of their lives. That kind of trust is hard to find in this world.

So yes- today I feel overwhelmed with happiness, gratitude, and peace. I am one lucky girl.

A trip to LDS Family Services

It's been forever since I last posted. Life got in the way for a while.

Where I left off, I was finally getting used to the idea that I was really pregnant. And my reaction was to withdraw from the world to a large extent. I decided to try and use the time to my advantage. I figured it was about time I worked on some self-improvement. That was a slow process but I had a lot of time on my hands.

It was a while before I went into LDS Family Services. I had been on the website and looked around at profiles. I wasn't super-inspired by anything though. I sent a request for help/information on the website and soon I got a response from the local office in my email. And then I ignored it. They sent me another one, and for a while I ignored that one too. Finally I felt ready and called the office to set up an appointment. I went in and met the counselor who would be working with me. For the most part I was probably pretty calm considering the circumstances. That first appointment was mostly getting acquainted, learning what LDS Family Services had to offer me, and what the process would be like. I had already made my decision to place long before going into the agency, so I didn't have to go through the decision-making process. For me it was about planning how I would go through it and getting the support I would need. I learned from my counselor that it's typically a good idea to wait and choose the adoptive family later in the pregnancy. I was a little disappointed even though I was free to reject that advice if I wanted to. I was just really looking forward to choosing the family. It was the one bright spot in my otherwise now dark and lonely world.

There is a huge feeling of exhilaration involved with choosing the adoptive family. It almost feels self-indulgent because you know the choice is about your child, not about you or even about the family you choose. But you cannot deny how personally exciting it is to give such a gift to someone. There is really no other time when you get to do something that will change someone's life in such an enormously positive way. So I was anxious to find them. When looking for a family for my baby I had a few criteria in mind. Probably for the reason I just described, I was looking specifically for a couple who didn't have any children yet. I was also looking for a couple that was around my age or a little bit older, but not too much older. Education was important to me and then the content of the birthparent letters were important to me too. For some reason I was turned off by too much humor on the profiles. I was feeling very serious about my situation and I didn't like making a joke out of it in any way. I wanted to feel spiritually connected and like they really cared about me and my role in the adoption.

I had mixed feelings about going to see my counselor at LDS Family Services. I think it was my second appointment when he showed me a video the agency had made. For the most part it was inspiring. It featured a few girls, some who had chosen to marry, some who chose to single-parent, and some who placed. The annoying part to me was at the end when one of the girls was shown about a year after she placed and she was about to get married in the temple. I was annoyed because there she was, at her happy ending (which seemed a little too syrupy sweet to me) when I was just at the beginning of my 'adventure'. I felt sadness and disappointment looking at my own life, knowing that I was at the age that I should have already been married and creating my own family at that point. That's what I had always wanted but despite my intentions I had made a total mess of my life. So call it sour grapes but I didn't really want to see her so perfectly happy. I wasn't even convinced that I would come out of this feeling so perfectly happy, not because I would ever regret the adoption but because nothing had ever been that easy for me.

So I resolved to wait a while to choose the perfect family for my little guy, and in the meantime I started spending quite a bit of my free time on a certain online message board...

The early weeks.

In continuing my story, I thought I would tell some of the details that I usually don't share. I think other birth moms in particular will relate and appreciate these details.

I remember the day of my first doctor’s appointment. It was strange being there because I was still in partial denial. Right up until the ultrasound I still had the tiniest hope in the back of my mind that I wasn’t really pregnant. When I filled out the paperwork about my medical history, I put a big line through all the questions about the father of the baby. I wasn’t interested in making him part of this in any way, even on paper. Later I realized it probably looked like I crossed the questions out because I didn’t know that information….but I didn’t really care. That was my way of being in control of the situation. I met my doctor for the first time and she did the first ultrasound. It was there in that tiny dark room that it finally sunk in that the little bean on the tv screen was, in fact, a baby. This was really happening. No more denial. The worst part about that day was the bag the nurse gave me before I left. The diaper bag filled with samples of formula and vitamins, a pacifier and a baby bottle…. Just looking at those things was painful. I remember looking at the bottle and wishing so badly that this was happening in the right way, that I was happily having my first baby as I had always dreamed about, but not like this. When I got home I shoved the diaper bag into the back of my closet where it remained for the next seven months.

What was most difficult during those early weeks was trying to carry on every day as if all was normal when emotionally and physically my world was turned upside down. If God had a punishment for me in all of this, it was morning sickness. Considering that my mom and my sister (each a mother of 4) never got sick during their pregnancies, I have to wonder. I was sick all day, every day, for at least eight weeks. But the worst part of my day was the morning. I am an attorney and I have to be in court almost every morning. First it would take me a long time to get ready for work because I kept having to lay back down every few minutes from the nausea. Then I would suffer through my drive to work, usually throw up in the parking garage and then try to get to court on time without getting sick again in the middle of a hearing. The first time the news started to get out was when I almost passed out in court. The deputy asked if I wanted them to call an ambulance, and I said no thank you I know what’s wrong with me, I’m pregnant. It was so nice getting all the excitement and well-wishes, but at the same time it always stung because it wasn’t a happy event for me. It was an emotional marathon that I was only beginning.

I’m normally a very private person. Even writing for this blog is a huge step for me, as it is every time I share my adoption story because in my daily life I usually keep my cards so close. So during those early days, and throughout the pregnancy, having the news get out and having so many comments all the time, so many questions…it was overwhelming. I didn’t want to share my most personal and sacred decision with the whole world so I mostly started avoiding all people. I chose to become very isolated and I stayed home as much and as often as I could.

My story- the beginning.

I’m Katie, Roman’s birth mother. This is my story.

Because one of my purposes in sharing my story is to reach out, inspire, and comfort other birthmoms and potential birthmoms, I want to start with a message to you: The road to adoption is one that begins with fear, heartache, maybe even despair. It seems an impossible road when you’re at the very beginning. But if you could only see the end from the beginning- you would not walk down that road, you would run as fast as you can. But the nature of the experience is that you must take one small step at a time. Along the way you will have angels by your side- some seen, some unseen. But you will not walk that road alone. I can promise you that.

I felt very alone in the beginning. It was hard for me to accept and grasp that I was really pregnant. It was definitely not part of my plans. I thought I had been pretty clever in hiding my many spiritual struggles and failures from my family. Now there would be no hiding it. I resolved to keep it to myself as long as I could and along the way I would figure out how to break such unhappy news to them. Until then I would deal with everything else.

How did I make the initial decision? I knew what all the options were. I never considered marriage. It wasn’t right for me at all. I didn’t even want Alex to go through this with me. I wanted to do it all myself. The big ‘A’ word….I have to be completely honest. It was a temptation. It was never even a remotely serious consideration, but a temptation whispered in my ear many times. An unwelcome pregnancy is the ultimate test of who you fear more, man or God. I prayed that I would just lose the pregnancy and that it would all be over. It’s hard to even take yourself seriously praying something like that- ‘I know I got myself into this, but please do I really have to go all the way through it? Can the scare just be enough?’ I knew how disingenuous I was being even as I was saying the words. What I didn’t know then was that a very wise and loving Heavenly Father, who can see the end from the beginning, knew how very badly I needed to go through this experience. Not just for Roman, or for Wendy, or anyone else- but for me. So it wasn’t out of anger or retribution that my feeble prayer wasn’t granted, it was out of a deeply profound love. In His wisdom he did not take away the trial.

All other options were unimaginable for me. I had always thought that adoption was the best solution to an unwed pregnancy. I’d argued that many times before in a general sense, never really thinking I would have to make that decision in my own personal life. So before I even needed to make the decision, in a way I had already made it. Since I had already studied it out in my mind, I knew what the right choice would be for me.

It helped that my feelings for Alex had completely turned even before I knew I was pregnant. I consider this to be a blessing, because it kept me from even being tempted to single-parent. That choice might be right for some people but it wasn’t for me in my particular circumstances. And when I even imagined “sharing” my child with a person I had very little respect for, someone I did not trust to raise my child with the same environment and values as I would, I was only thankful that I had another option. I knew that the only chance of giving my child everything he deserved was to find a family who could provide the most important things in life. I wanted him to grow up in a family, with two parents who love each other and are fully committed to each other. I wanted him to have a worthy priesthood holder in his home, to guide and protect him. I wanted him to grow up in the covenant, sealed in an eternal family. Adoption was the only way. And when I thought about adoption, I felt a peaceful excitement.

I might not have been very good at making the right decisions for myself, but I found that the love and concern I had for this tiny spirit I had never even met was empowering me to make the best possible decisions on his behalf. And that was not only to his benefit, but the beginning of my own personal spiritual transformation.