Another Ordinary Miracle

When you wake up everyday
Please don't throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
'Cause we're all a part of the ordinary miracle

Ordinary miracle
Do you want to see a miracle?

It seems so exceptional
The things just work out after all
It's just another ordinary miracle today

One week ago tomorrow another miracle joined our family.

Meet Hudson James -

Things just worked out after all...

He's just another ordinary miracle today!

1 year

If you had told me one year ago today how my life would be today...I wouldn't have believed you!

There are some years in our lives that are more eventful, and some that are less. Some that are filled with happy memories, and some that we would rather forget. And some that are filled with the unexpected. A little good, a little bad, but overall, completely unexpected!

Last Sunday Roman turned 3. I still can't believe my baby is 3! Three years since our sweet little redhead came into our life and changed it FOREVER! Thursday was equally important, that was the day three years ago that Roman "officially" joined our family. I don't know that my heart has ever been as full as it was that day (and I know we didn't fully understand how much a part of our family not only Roman would become, but Katie also.)

One year ago today we were packing our bags getting ready to go on another adventure, we thought that we were going to adopt a second child. I now think we were going to love a family that needed a little extra love at a special time in their life. I know that it was not the plan for our family.

When we came home last year I felt very defeated. I threw myself into raising the one child that I had and started to wonder if that was it for us. It was such a sad thought. I never wanted him to be an only child, but I felt like this was something that was completely out of our control (and it was.)

Roman's birthmom (Katie) was one of the biggest supports that we had. Rather then us supporting her, she was supporting us. I think that's the sign of a true friendship. You are there for each other no matter what. We hurt, and she understood. She made me the sweetest book with all of our original e-mails. I cried. I loved reading about getting to know her, her getting to know us. It was amazing to remember welcoming this person who could potentially change our lives forever into our life and into our family. I am so thankful that we did! She will FOREVER be a part of our family.

I think that we were really just getting ready for the roller coaster ride that we were all about to take over the next 12 months, and I also glad we could take the ride together.

Honestly, if someone had told me one year ago today that I would be sitting here 37 weeks pregnant, and that last weekend I would have spent at the most beautiful wedding for Roman's beautiful birth mother, I probably would have laughed. Discredited it, then I hate to admit, but had a bit of a pit party that we couldn't be "that family."

Not that I didn't WANT to have another baby, and the thought of giving birth to my own child (which extremely terrifying) is I think every woman's dream. Not that I didn't think that Katie was one of the most amazing woman and that some guy would finally realize it and sweep her off her feet (good job Scott! Great choice, Katie is a major catch!). But 1 year ago none of this seems even remotely possible.

You would think I would have learned over the last 9 years thath Heavenly Father's plans are always better then our own. That He does and will take care of us. He really does open a window when a door closes. He never leaves us alone.

So many blessings that I am counting one year later. And since I LOVE song Lyrics (they always say what I am thinking so much better then I do, that's why I am not a lyrisist).

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Happy Birth mother's day

The day before Mother's day is Birth Mother's day. I like that it's a separate day. I like that it's always on a Saturday, it gives us a chance to think about Roman's sweet birth mother without the craziness of Sunday, Mother's day (and a lot of years we celebrate Spencer's birthday on Mother's day too.)

We think about Katie all year round, but this is a special day, a day to celebrate birth mothers. Before mother's day, before we celebrate mothers, we celebrate birth mothers. It's so appropriate because before I was Roman's mother, Katie was his birth mother. She loved him, and she still loves him.

Roman and Katie have a sweet special bond. He has always loved her as well. I think he knows that she is the Angel that watches over him.

I found a book that was the lyrics of a song with pictures. I read it and while I realized the intended meaning, I also loved how it applied to birth mom's.

It's called "An Angel to Watch over Me"

She watched by my cradle through long, sleepless nights
She taught me to pray as she knelt by my side
She guarded my childhood, and all through the years
She echoed my laughter, she counted my tears
In the arms of my mother, I came to believe
That God sent an angel to watch over me

She taught me the meaning of courage and faith
She taught me to live with the Lord as my strength
She taught me to follow the pathway he marked
She guided my steps when the journey grew dark
And I know there were dangers that I could not see
But God sent an angel to watch over me

She taught me to serve with a spirit that sings
She taught me to seek after heavenly things
And because of her love and her kindness and care
Because of the place that I hold in her prayers
And because of her goodness, I still believe
That God sent an angel to watch over me

Before we were able to teach Roman to pray, Katie prayed for him. She dreamed of what he would look him, and talked to him. Made deals with him (even if those deals were a little shady and involved being extra naughty).

She taught him by the truest example about courage and faith. She taught him what it means to listen to the spirit and to obey.

I know that there is an angel watching over Roman, her name is Katie. She holds a special place in his heart and in his prayers too.

Happy Birth Mother's day Katie! We love you forever! Thank you for being such an amazing example!

Our Bundle of Love

Today is always a day that will be special to me. March 31, 2007 we awoke to find that we were going to be parents. Sometime during the night Katie had sent us an e-mail telling us that she had been praying and had decided that she wanted us to be Roman's parents.

Every other year that has been important, I have always been so thankful, but this year more then anything I have had more of a chance to really think about her. Wonder how she was feeling.

When Katie announced to us she was about 27 weeks. Here I am 24 weeks pregnant and I can't help but wonder. Did she talk to Roman about us? Did she tell him that she had chosen us? As I sit here, Hudson kicking my stomach I wonder. I can't even begin to imagine the emotions that she was faced with at that moment.

I don't think a day will go by that we won't be thankful for Katie. Now more than ever I appreciate her, I appreciate how much she loved that time that she had with him. Just the two of them. Not a day goes by that we don't make sure to tell Roman how special he is, how much we love him, and what an important part of our family he is.

I know that God had a plan for us, and I am thankful for it. I am so thankful for my boy(s). After years of praying, God gave us the greatest gifts. He gave us Katie, and Roman, and now here we are expecting Hudson. I am overwhelmed by it.

As I am sitting here (with a lump in my throat) I can't help but think of the words to "I stand all Amazed" I can't think of a better way to describe my feelings this morning.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Confused at the grace that so fully he profers me
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified.
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
Oh it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me!
Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

So blessed

This morning I have just been overwhelmed with gratitude. We have been so blessed. You always hear that it's when you are in need that you find out who your true friends are. We have so many true friends. So amazing. We have just been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love that we have received.

We have been so blessed over and over again. Sure we have definitely had struggles, but EVERYONE does. If it weren't for the hard times, the sweet times wouldn't seem so sweet.

If it weren't for the wait for Roman we wouldn't have known what a huge blessing he was. We have his Mommy Katie, one of the greatest friends that we could ask for.

Without the struggles we wouldn't appreciate the good times nearly so much.

It's so hard for me to let go and ask for help, especially now that I am physically feeling better, I am so thankful for family and friends who understand that and are helping. It's hard to sit back and watch someone else clean your disgusting toilets, vacuum your floors, do your laundry. I had a friend loan me a fetal Doppler, it has been such a blessing to spend a few quiet minutes with my baby every day. I lay down during Roman's nap time and listen to the little heartbeat that is getting louder every day, I cry almost every time I hear him. I only allow myself one time a day at the most, sometimes if I am too busy or not too stressed I will miss a day, but I miss him when I don't get that few minutes just to know that he is still there and still growing. That's when I know that it's worth everything I am doing, everything.

A few days ago I didn't get a chance to listen during nap time. I was pretty stressed so I just needed to make sure he was still okay. I got Roman settled in front of a movie then I went in to listen, even if he was all over and it was just for a minute it was what I needed. So I got Roman settled, went in and started trying to hear him. Add to the stress I am just not finding his heartbeat. I was getting pretty nervous, I just can't find him anywhere. After quite some time Roman came into my bedroom to see what I was doing. I told him I was just trying to listen to the baby. Just then, like he knew that his brother had walked into the room all of a sudden we heard him. His beautiful heart beating away. I was choking back tears and before I could even tell Roman that was him he said "I heared him. Is he crying?" I told him no, he wasn't crying, that was his heart. He sat in the room with me and listened to the baby until we couldn't hear him anymore, which wasn't long, less then a minute, but it was such a special minute to spend with Roman.

Since that day Roman talks about the baby so much more. He told that we heard him playing with his toys. He asks all the time when the baby is going to come out. I can't wait for Roman to be a big brother. He is going to be the best big brother ever. He is so sweet and already loves this sweet baby. He tells him to be nice to mommy when my tummy hurts, and gives his brother hugs at bedtime already.

I feel so incredibly blessed!

Expecting the unexpected part 2

As I mentioned before, I have come to think of 2009 as the year that we learned to expect the unexpected. As the year was drawing to a close, I think we were given the most unexpected surprise....we were expecting. I found out on November 13 that we were once again expecting a child, but this time it was not through adoption. We have been there before. We know what can happen, and we know that my uterus just isn't happy with the idea. Even with all the fears in the back of our mind, we couldn't help but be cautiously optimistic, happy, scared, all at once. We might really have another baby. It just seemed so surreal.

After processing the entire thing for about an hour I immediately got on the phone with our doctors office, explained the situation and they were willing to get me in that afternoon for a blood draw to check my HCG (hormone) level to see approximately how far along I was. After talking to the doctors office I called Spencer and told him that I needed him to come home from work a little early if possible because I had a doctors appointment that I needed to go to. He asked if anything was wrong and I told him that I really hoped not...

That night we talked and I told Spencer that I didn't want to worry about everything this time, I wanted to enjoy every second that we had, and that I just needed to relax. On Monday the doctors office called back to say that my HCG numbers looked really good and they wanted to get me in for an ultrasound to try to verify how far I was. I was nervous, but so excited. They were able to get me in that afternoon for an Ultrasound. I went to the appointment and the ultrasound tech said I was 5 weeks 6 days pregnant. Everything looked really good. I was flying high. The next day I wasn't feeling very well, and after a much longer shopping trip then I initially expected I started bleeding. I told myself to relax, sit down, things would be okay. By the next day (our anniversary) things were looking much worse. I was resigned to the fact that once again we were not going to be able to carry to term. I thought I was doing so well at being calm, but at that moment all that went out the window. I was talking to the doctors office almost every day. Things just felt like they were going from bad to worse.

I went back in for another ultrasound a week later and we started our mixed bag visits. The good news, things were looking good, they couldn't see where the bleed was coming from, but they found a heart beat. The bad, they had calculated how far along I was wrong the previous week, she went back to the previous ultrasounds and remeasured and because it was so early it was easy to be off, I had only been 5 weeks before, I was now only 6 weeks 1 day. I lost almost an entire week. So we scheduled an appointment for a week later to make sure that things were still looking okay. Plus, they wanted to see a heartbeat that was 120 or higher, and it was only about 115. Not huge, but worrysome.

It was another nervewracking week. Thankfully we had Thanksgiving and a very short trip to see Mommy Katie as a much needed distraction. We went back in and once again, mixed bag. The heatbeat had increased. It was now where it should be, growth was right on target, but they found a uterun septum that they didn't know I had before (See what I mean, every appointment was a mixed bag?)

At that point because things were going well they said that I didn't need another ultrasound so my next appointment would be my "First" OB visit. I had almost a week to enjoy that high and that weekend things went from bad to worst. I was 100% sure that I had miscarried. To spare you the details it was awful. It was a Saturday night, I didn't know what to do. By Sunday morning I had calmed down some and I called the oncall number for my doctors office. I am so thankful that I did. My doctor was on call. (He is fabulous by the way) He said that if I went to the emergency room they would just call him because he was the doctor on call, that he had better equipment at this office, so if I would like he would meet me there. We got there and he once again did an ultrasound. Somehow, someway, we had not lost it. I was in total shock. It did not seem possible. That didn't mean that we were out of the woods though. I had a subchronic hemorrhage. So rather then waiting for a regular doctors visit, we were able to have another ultrasound. We went at the end of the week and again there was good and bad. We started preparing ourselves for both. The baby was still growing, but unfortunately, so was the blood clot.

Finally, at my "First ob visit" on December 28 we got almost all good news. Things were looking good, we didn't do an ultrasound at that appointment, but he was happy with how things were going. He was able to find the heartbeat via doppler (which he said was a good sign) and it was nice and steady at 167 bpm. I was ALMOST out of the first trimester, and he said if we made it to the next appointment then the risk of miscarriage decreased significantly. He wasn't too worried by this point, but I was. Plus add to that, now instead of going once a week, or every 2 weeks max, we were now spacing the appointments out 3 weeks.

So I had 3 rather nervewracking weeks wondering what was going on in there and finally January 20 arrived. It seemed like it was just crawling then all of a sudden it was here. The good thing about having more time between appointments is that it makes the time go by faster, the bad is the wondering, worrying, not knowing.

As I mentioned before my doctor is fabulous. I went to my appointment, told him all my worries and he took the time to even draw out what we were looking at so that I could understand. He once again found a nice steady heartbeat 150 bpm, I was measuring right on target, he said that if he had a gold star he would have given me one things just looked perfect. At the end when I was still just a nervous wreck he offered to squeeze me in for another ultrasound. I was so relieved. I don't want to seem needy, but I am. I am always so worried.

The ultrasound tech was fabulous too, she not only checked my uterus and to make sure the bleed was resolving/resolved (almost resolved, less then 1 cm now YAY) she also took the time to show me hands, feet, legs, kidneys, a heart, brain, a few cute profile views, it made me feel so much better every time she did a measurement and would say that things were still right in line with my due date.

I don't think we'll feel completely at ease until he is here safe and sound, but this has been the most unexpected blessing. Still praying every day, but thanking Heavenly Father every day for this amazing unexpected blessing.

One good deed

With the beginning of a new year I started thinking...do I want to attempt to make a resolution? Inevitably one that I probably won't keep. I thought about the usual resolutions. To be more organized, to lose weight, to keep my house clean. I knew that I would not keep any of these. I really want to be more organized, I do, but I have a wonderful 2 year old who helps me give up on that goal quickly. He can unorganized things twice as fast as I can organize them. Then the fall back lose weight resolution...almost all of us could benefit from that, but I knew this year that just isn't in the cards for me.

I had pretty much decided that I was going to resolve not to set a New Years resolution this year. Then a few nights ago I spent an evening out with my sweet boy and my dear husband celebrating the day our family became a forever family. After spending some time at the temple grounds together we went to IHOP for dinner. The same IHOP that Roman and I visited a few months ago and had a humbling experience. As I sat there eating dinner with my family I thought about the one nice thing or if you will the one good deed I did that day that really changed my outlook that day. I decided then and there on a New Years resolution. I decided to do one good deed a day. I got a little worried though. There are so many days I don't even leave the house. At that time the words to the song "have I done any good in the world today" came into my mind.

Have I done any good in the world today?
Have I helped anyone in need?
Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?
If not, I have failed indeed.
Has anyone’s burden been lighter today
Because I was willing to share?
Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?
When they needed my help was I there?

I realized I don't need to leave the house to do something nice. One day I sent a few friends emails or messages just telling them how they inspire me. yesterday as I was in my car I decided to let's cars in front of me, and I was just trying to be a more curtious driver. Did I make a difference in the world by letting another driver go in front of me? Probably not. Did I make a difference in my life? I hope so.