Happy Mother's Day

I posted this on Roman's blog for Mother's Day but decided that I wanted to repost it here as well.

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.
And now you ask me, through your tears,
the age-old question unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love.

© Author Unknown

One year ago today. . .

One year ago today I received an e-mail that changed our lives forever. I have been very reflective this week thinking about all that has happened this year. How our lives have changed. One year ago today I had no idea that at the same time one year later I would be wrestling with a rambunctious 8 month old. I didn't know that I would be a stay at home mom, and I definitely didn't know that I would be writing all of this. Before Roman was born I was SO reserved, I would even say embarrassed by everything. I never spoke of the problems that we had, I went so far as going along with comments that were made along the lines that we were never having children, because deep down I was afraid that we may not.

If you had told me that I would have a blog where I wrote about all our struggles to start a family I would have laughed. I am still a little uncomfortable putting everything we have gone through out there for anyone to see, but realize that it is because so many people are uncomfortable talking about infertility and miscarriages that I didn't know what to expect.

One year doesn't seem like very long, and an eternity all at the same time.

One year in the grand scheme of things is not very long.

But One year has changed my life for eternity!

Something Perfect

I love song lyrics. So many times they say the words that I can't expess. A little over a month ago a bought a book about adoption called "From God's arms to my arms to Yours" by Michael McLean. The title song has been used for years. It was written by a birthmother who wanted to send with her child a song that expressed her love for him. After years of requests and stories that Michael McLean received from birthmotheres and adoptive parents he decided that the one song was not enough, and he felt that he needed to have songs that showed the different aspects of adoption. The book has the lyrics to each of the songs and a little introduction to them. I have grown to absolutely love this book and there is one song in particular that I find running through my head almost daily. It's called "Something Perfect" and it's about the joy that the adoptive parents feels after they have finally become parents.

Something Perfect

There's an ache that's missing today
There's an emptiness that's been filled
There's a cloud that's lifting and drifting away
There's a ragin' storm that's been stilled
There's a joy that's real
There's a wound that's finally healed
There's a future replacing the past
There's breath of new life in the cast

And there's something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fears
And through countless tomorrows
It won't disappear
This something that's perfect
Happening here

No one knows, so no one can say
That tomorrow all will be well
Will the brightest promise that shines on today
Shine tomorrow? No one can tell
But one thing is sure
And will be forever more
When such unselfish love has been given
The world just made more room for heaven

And there's something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fear
And through countless tomorrows it won't disappear
This something that's perfect
Happening here

Happy Valentines Day

Nine years ago Spencer was a poor missionary serving in Alice, Texas. Even though he had little money he wanted to do something special for Valentines day. He spent an entire p-day coloring in the worlds "I Love you" on a giant red heart that he rolled up, put in a giant mailing tube and sent to me filled with hugs and kisses. On the back of the heart he taped a note that said

"Here is 'my' heart for you
with some 'hugs' and 'kisses'
for whom my love is true!
Will you be mine this Valentines?

Love,
Elder Strickland"

We have moved twice and it has been nine years but I still have that heart. I can't seem to get rid of it. It was the best valentine he could have sent!

I Love you honey!

I Would Die for That

I was looking at another blog on adoption this morning and I saw this video. It was very moving. I watched it and thought "I can't go without sharing this." So here it is.

I Would Die for That

by Kelly Coffee

Found

As I said LDS family Services encourages adoptive couples to find their birthmother. In our case she found us. After that first e-mail we didn't hear back from Katie for another 2 weeks, and when we did she was going through some really hard things, but we started e-mailing. It felt like we were old friends. It was so easy to e-mail with Katie, but so scary at the same time. I told Spencer so many times that no matter what happened I wanted to support her because she was such an amazing person.

About a month later (March 30, 2007) Katie sent us the cutest e-card, I had to check the date on the calender to make sure it wasn't some cruel April Fools joke. She told us that she had been praying and she knew that he was supposed to be part of our family.

She was 28 weeks pregnant at that point, and we continuted to e-mailed regularly. I still had the fear in the back of my mind that it wasn't going to happen. I think she knew how scared I was because where we should have been the ones reassuring her that everything was going to be okay, she was reassuring us.

Katie was coming to Utah a few weeks later to see her niece be blessed, so we were able to meet her. It actually worked out perfectly. We were leaving for California (to See Spencer's family and meet up with his brother that we were going to Hawaii with) then Hawaii just 2 days after she was here, if it had been the next weekend we would have missed each other. We met at PF Chang in Provo for dinner. I was so scared what if we didn't recognize each other, what if she didn't like us? What if she decided she was wrong? Fortunately we recognized her right off, we hd no problems talking, it was like seeing an old friend. The waiter was so funny, he had no idea what he was asking when he asked if we were there for a special occasion, we said "Sort of" he asked "A birthday?" Katie said "Yes, there will be a birthday" We all laughed and he walked off a little confused. We sat and talked and showed each other pictures and laughed, and just had such a fun, easy time. We went outside after we were done eating dinner so that we could visit a little more and who should walk past but Katie's Dad, Step-mom, Brother, and Grandma. So we were able to meet them and Katie's dad took a picture of the three of us together. (Well 4 if you count the bump.)

We decided that we were going to be a little mean when we told our families that we were expecting a baby again. We waited until we were getting on the plane to go to California and just as we were boarding the plane we sent out a mass text message to all of Spencer's family with an ultrasound picture and it said under the bottom "It's a boy." We didn't even get a chance to turn off our cell phones before they started ringing. We got on the plane and had so many missed calls and text messages when we finally got to California.

The 3 months from when we found out that she had chosen us until he was born was so scary. I was constantly worried that we were going to get to the end again and have her decide that she just couldn't do it. (I wouldn't blame her either, he is one adorable little boy.)

June finally came and Katie had things set up for a scheduled induction, she was going to be induced on June 25 (Which was a Monday), but didn't make it, she called 5 days earlier to say her water had broken. She lived a state away, Spencer and I were both at work, we didn't have bags packed, heck I didn't even have a car at work. I had carpooled to work that day, thankfully my friend Ilein had just happened to stop by the office to drop off a baby gift. She was also pregnant, due the same day. She was nice enough to take me home, I was on the phone the entire time. We somehow made it home, packed bags, tickets, hotel, rental car booked, and to the airport in about 2 1/2 hours. We were to the hospital 800 someodd miles away within about 5 1/2 hours from the time we got the call that her water had broken, and I was able to be in the room when Roman was born.

Waiting Continued

After the trip to Texas I wanted to get things going full swing again. We came home, I called the caseworker and told her we wanted our profile reactived and I wanted to get things going. The best thing that came from the failed adoption is it gave us the opportunity to start talking to people about our plans to adopt. It really gave us the chance to open up.

It took over a month for our profile to be reactivated, and I was so discouraged to learn that our profile had lost "seniority." Basically what happens is this, a birthmother will say what she is looking for, the caseworker will go through their "book" of profiles and find the first 10 that match her criteria, give those to her, then if she doesn't find a match in those 10 they will give 10 more. We went all the way to the back of the book again, and on the website we were clear at the bottom.

I wasn't even sure I wanted to adopt still to be completely honest. I knew that my body probably couldn't support a healthy pregnancy, but I wanted to be a mother SO badly, and I didn't know if I could take the heartache of another failed adoption. So I went back to my doctor and started fertility treatments again. We did this for 8 months, nothing. Finally we were back to the point that our last option was Invetro again and decided that we would wait until after Spencer changed jobs in May because his new job would cover fertility treatments, and we were draining our adoption funds trying something that obviously wasn't working.

By January I just couldn't take the waiting with no results any longer and I started calling adoption agencies to see what other agencies there were that were under $15,000. I found 3 and had them all send me their initial paperwork and what we would need to do to activate our profile with them as well. In just over a month I had filled out paperwork for all 3 agencies and was ready to send. Then, out of the blue, I had a birthmother that e-mailed me, she had seen that we were trying to adopt, and she wanted to see our profile. I didn't know what it was, but I decided to hold off on sending out the applications.

Our third Angel

(I wrote this post on Febuary 27 but changed the date so that it would be in a more logical position. Also I didn't want it to be the top post.)

Ever since I posted about our infertility and miscarriage I knew that I had was intentionally leaving something out. I had tried to pretend like it didn't happen, but no amount of pretending will change life, so after a month of struggling with my decision I decided it was time to talk about our sweet angel number three.

Right after Roman was born I started getting sick. Some mornings I would have such bad headaches that I would be physically sick. By the time Roman was about a month old I was getting sick a few times a week. Finally I talked to our neighbor who is a chiropractor about it. She did a scan of my neck and back and my neck was seriously out of alignment. I started going to her to try to correct the problem. After a few weeks I started feeling a little better, but I was still really tired and just couldn't ever feel all the way well. I assumed it was from lack of sleep and constantly holding Roman.

The weekend that Roman turned 2 months old my sister, Roman and I went down to St George to see Spencer's cousin. On the way home we stopped at a rest stop to go to the restroom and I called Spencer to let him know we were on our way home. I told Spencer of all the crummy timing I started my period at the rest stop. When we got home I was really cramping so I took a few Excedrin and tried to forget about it. That night I couldn't even hold Roman to get him to sleep I just was in so much pain. I was in tears in was hurting so much. We went to bed around 11:00 but I was never able to get to sleep. Finally I got up and took a bath and realized that I wasn't having a horrible period, I was having a miscarriage. I have always had D&C's so I had never had a natural miscarriage before and it was horrible. By 3:00 in the morning I just couldn't handle it anymore. I prayed and told Heavenly Father I needed his help, I couldn't handle the pain anymore so it either needed to be over or he needed to tell me what to do. I immediately noticed a water bottle on the counter and had the prompting to use it as a heat pack. I filled it with hot water and went to the couch. I was able to finally fall asleep until about 3:30 when I got up and finally passed everything. I called the doctor the first thing the next morning and they were able to squeeze me in that morning. I was shocked when the doctor said it loooked like I had been about 12 weeks pregnant. I hadn't even known. It was so much to digest, I was pregnant, now I wasn't. How did I feel about it? I was in total denial. This could not be happening to me again. Silly as it sounds I was scared that Katie would be upset that I hadn't told her that I was pregnant. How could I if I didn't even know?? Then I started blaming myself. Finally I started avoiding it, I didn't even go to my follow-up appointment to make sure I didn't have an infection. I just totally shut it all out. I was so scared that I would lose Roman if anyone knew.

February has always been a hard month for me with losses, our second miscarriage was February 18, 2004 my brother-in-laws 19th birthday and as I was in the hospital having a D&C my sister-in-law left a message that our nephew was born. Then Februray 1, 2006 the little boy that we were first chosen to adopt was born, and now as I was dealing with those two this year, I realized had I not miscarried, I would have been due in February. I held Roman so tight the entire month of Febraury. He is the greatest blessing in our lives, I don't know what I would do without his sweet spirit. I realized this year that we have had a lot of pain, but we have so much joy! February 18, 2008 Roman said Ahma (Mamma) for the first time. What a beautiful blessing. February 28, 2008 Roman said Dadadadadadada for the first time. Feburay is also so full of Joy for us now.

I know one day I will understand why we have needed to go through all this. Why with fertility treatments I have never been able to get pregnant, but when we are not trying, somehow I am. I have learned that Heavenly Father truely does have a plan for our family, and even if I don't understand it now, eventually I will understand. I have learned that Heavenly Father's plans is usually better than mine anyway. I just need to be patient and realize that He won't leave us comfortless!

Our Infertility

As we were first married we set out our timeline for our family. We planned to stay in our apartment about 2 years, move into a house, start a family. I would be done with school by then and Spencer would have his associates and would be going to the University of Utah for Pre-Law. My how things change. After living in the apartment all of about 3 months I was done with apartment life and we started house hunting. On our limited income I am surprised that we even qualified for a loan, but we did and we found the perfect starter home, great central location. We closed on the house on Spencer's 22nd birthday and moved in three days later.

We were still planning to wait the two years to start our family but that September we got a huge surprise when I found out I was pregnant. Because it was my first pregnancy the doctors office said that they usually would see you for the first visit around 10 weeks. Everything was fine, we had gotten over the initial shock and were actually starting to get excited.

I went in for my appointment and found out that I wasn't 10 weeks like we thought, but more like 15 weeks but the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. She said nothing to worry about, I had a retroverted uterus (tilted back) so she said sometimes it was just hard to find so she sent me for an ultrasound. I had never had an ultrasound before (obviously) so I didn't think anything of it when the ultrasound technician didn't say anything and after she was done said "I'll be back in a few minutes with your doctor." The doctor came in and explained that there was no heartbeat and she thought it would be best if we went ahead and did a D&C. So I went in the next morning completely numb and that was it, I was no longer pregnant. I had the greatest anesthesiologist who said "I have an epidural here with your name on it, I expect to see you here sometime next year to use it." It was the hope that I needed on a completely hopeless day.

We decided that we didn't want to wait another year to try again and after 6 months of trying on our own went back to my doctor. I had known for a few years that it might be difficult for me to get pregnant, When I was 19 I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Overy Syndrome), but my doctor said that it would be no problem, when the time came if we needed help she was more than happy to help. Because I was only ovulating a few times a year she decided to use hormone drugs to try to create a more normal cycle. So I started taking Provera and Clomid, after 4 months with no success we moved to injectable drugs, still nothing and we had exhausted our savings and had to stop. I guess we were just trying things the wrong way as soon as we stopped trying, I was pregnant again. My doctor was great and had us come in weekly for ultrasounds to check growth. The first ultrasound was at 4 weeks, really nothing to see a sac and fetal pole. 5 weeks we could see a little bean, 6 weeks a heartbeat! The chances of miscarrying after seeing a heartbeat drop to only about 10%. Unfortunately I was in that 10% again. The next week there was no heartbeat and only a few days growth where there should have been a week.

I felt like the world came crashing down, but no one was stopping. Life had to go on, but I didn't want it to. My doctor offered to refer me to a specialist to see if we could find a reason for the miscarriages, they had done genetic testing and both pregnancies had come back normal. We went to see a high risk specialist who wanted to do additional testing to try to figure out why this was happening. First he did blood work. Who knew you could give so much blood! They tested for infectious diseases, autoimmune disorders, thyroid problems, alloimune disorders. They needed to test Spencer as well. Everything came back fine.

The last test he wanted to run was to inject a dye into my uterus and do what is called a hystosonogram to check to make sure there weren't any abnormalities or blocked tubes. As soon as the dye entered my uterus the doctor turned the screen to show it to me he said "look at this" and pointed to a few things. I really didn't understand what I was looking at. After we were done he took me into an other room to show me my x-rays next to a normal uterus x-ray. I finally had a diagnosis, T-shaped Uterus. There had been recent research showing that there were women with t-shaped uterus' carrying to term but we had another problem we would need to know as soon as I had ovulated to start medicines to try to maintain the pregnancy. For most patients this meant they would test 3 days after ovulation to see if you had ovulated then start the prescriptions until you test; if negative stop and try another month. For me this meant that we would need to start fertility treatments again because I didn't have a consistent cycle. This doctor didn't do fertility treatments so he referred me to another doctor (a Reproductive Endocrinologist) and as soon as I was pregnant I would return to his care.

So we started on the roller coaster called fertility treatments again. After almost another year the Reproductive Endocrinologist said that we had exhausted all options except Invetro Fertilization.

I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. I couldn't keep doing this to myself, but more than anything I wanted to be a mother. We didn't have the money to proceed with Invetro, and I was so discouraged by everything. We needed to make some decisions on what we were going to do. We prayed a lot, cried a lot, and finally I got up the courage to call LDS Family Services to find out what we would need to do to begin the adoption process.

Background - Dating Spencer

Luckily for us the car passed inspection and Spencer appologized for getting upset. And luckily for me my friend wanted me to get a date specifically Spencer to go to a dance with her again. You see, she wanted me to ask Spencer because she wanted to ask the guy I had taken to the last dance. So a little hesitantly I asked him, and for whatever reason he decided to come.




















We became good friends. Spencer didn't want to have a girlfriend. He was getting ready to go on a mission for the LDS church, we were only 18, he had never had a serious girlfriend. There were so many reasons why the time was wrong we were wrong, but it didn't change our feelings for each other.

We dated for 8 months until Spencer got his mission call to the Texas McAllen Mission. We broke up a few days later knowing that I was going to date while he was gone there was no use postponing the inevitable. We were only broken up for about 2 weeks and we decided he was going to be here 2 more months, no reason to jump the gun.




















We wrote weekly the entire 2 years that he was gone. Spencer attributes the fact that I was still available when he got home to my little sister who made sure to tell anyone that I dated that she wasn't fond of them. (I think the word she used was "hate.") He got home from his mission July 31, 2000. He was released from his mission the next day. We left on a trip with my parents August 3. It was a little scary we had planned a 2 week trip together. One week with my parents, then we hurried home to fly to California to spend a week with his family. What if we couldn't stand each other after all this time? Lucky for us we still liked each other. After spending 2 weeks together we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our life together. We were engaged 2 weeks later.

Looking back I realize what a crazy whirlwind time this was for us, but we just wanted to get going with our life. We were married 3 months later on November 18, 2000. It was perfect. Okay, if you call freezing temperatures perfect, but honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way now. We were so happy and that what made it perfect.

Background - Growing up

I was the world's biggest geek growing up. Thick glasses, retainers and everything. I am glad that I didn't realize until I was older what a geek I was. I may have been scarred for life, now I just look back and laugh. Probably because I am still a geek and just don't realize it.

In a large family you always have instant friends, so I always had someone to play with. I have 4 sisters and 1 brother, and we have so much fun together. I am the second oldest, one older sister, me, then two sisters after me then little brother then one more sister. I would have to say that I talk to my sisters more than any other friends. Maybe it's because I truly am a geek and don't realize it, but I love talking to them. Who else can you call at 11:00 at night because your husband is still at work and you are scared?? (Thanks Warwa, love you!) They are some of my best friends.

I grew up in a pretty normal middle class life growing up. But really what is normal? Nothing truly extraordinary or catastrophic. We have lots of silly stories to tell and as I think of some I'll have to share. With 5 girls in one house there was a lot of silliness. My poor brother didn't have a fighting chance, he was so picked on. Even now he fears his sisters. (I think that's probably wise with all the tormenting he endured.)

I think we were all a challenge for my parents in different ways. My older sister never really pushed the boundaries and I tried as hard as I could to stretch them as far as possible without getting in too much trouble. I loved collecting friends in High School, my mom would always comment that I didn't really fit into a group. I brought a few friends in from each group, which made for some rather interesting parties. I guess I didn't realize that you were supposed to pick a group a stick to it. There were so many great people in all of them, how could I choose just one? I was always looking out for the underdog, because I had always been somewhat of an underdog, I knew how it felt, and didn't want anyone to feel left out. That is how I made a few of my best friends.

The summer between 6th and 7th grade a new family moved into our neighborhood. They had three daughters and a son. The oldest was my age. The first time we met she told us that they had moved something like 10 times so far in her life. To me this was unfathomable. I had lived in the same house since I was about 3 months old. She was very reserved, and didn't like to make friends because they wouldn't be there for long, they never were. All summer I tried so hard to become her friend. By the end of the summer we were inseparable. We would ride the same bus to and from school, after school we would get off the bus, and pretty much spend the rest of the afternoon together. I think she was my first "Best Friend." Every weekend we would have sleepovers and it was so nice to have someone you could be silly with, talk about guys with, and share your deepest darkest secrets.

They lived there a little longer than most places. They stayed all through Jr High then the summer between 9th and 10th grade they moved to California. I was so sad I thought I would never have a friend like her. Through the years we have kept in touch, I don't think it will ever be the same, but hope that we will be friends forever.






























After High School I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had taken a dental assisting class my Senior year of High School and I was working in a dental office, and was happy with that. The week that classes started at the community college I decided that I wanted to go to school. I had enjoyed working in dental field, so I decided to go into dental hygiene. After taking 3 semesters of classes, I found out that the wait to get into the hygiene program was about 2 years. When I learned this I became very discouraged. I took a semester off and decided that I wanted to go to school for cosmetology instead. I found a cosmetology school in the area (International Institute of Hair Design) and started going to classes in the evenings. I was still working at the dental office during the day. I had been moved to front office (receptionist type position) when the two front office women just didn't come back to work after our Christmas break.

Fairy Tale

I think every little girl has the same dream.




















They dream about their knight in shining armor will ride up, take her hand and steal her heart.


The fairy tale wedding, and going on to live "Happily Ever After."

I decided to start this blog to talk about our Happily Ever After.

Another Blog

For a while I have felt the need to write about my life, especially the infertility that I have dealt with and finally our adoption. I decided it wasn't apropriate to put on Roman's blog because that is meant to be all about him. So I have started this to share my story. I hope that I can maybe inspire one person by it. It has been a long hard road that I thought was broken, but I realized that Heavenly Father had a plan for us. This was the road that we would need to take to lead us to our sweet son. The song Bless the Broken Road by Rascall Flatts has taken on a new meaning for me.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you