Our third Angel

(I wrote this post on Febuary 27 but changed the date so that it would be in a more logical position. Also I didn't want it to be the top post.)

Ever since I posted about our infertility and miscarriage I knew that I had was intentionally leaving something out. I had tried to pretend like it didn't happen, but no amount of pretending will change life, so after a month of struggling with my decision I decided it was time to talk about our sweet angel number three.

Right after Roman was born I started getting sick. Some mornings I would have such bad headaches that I would be physically sick. By the time Roman was about a month old I was getting sick a few times a week. Finally I talked to our neighbor who is a chiropractor about it. She did a scan of my neck and back and my neck was seriously out of alignment. I started going to her to try to correct the problem. After a few weeks I started feeling a little better, but I was still really tired and just couldn't ever feel all the way well. I assumed it was from lack of sleep and constantly holding Roman.

The weekend that Roman turned 2 months old my sister, Roman and I went down to St George to see Spencer's cousin. On the way home we stopped at a rest stop to go to the restroom and I called Spencer to let him know we were on our way home. I told Spencer of all the crummy timing I started my period at the rest stop. When we got home I was really cramping so I took a few Excedrin and tried to forget about it. That night I couldn't even hold Roman to get him to sleep I just was in so much pain. I was in tears in was hurting so much. We went to bed around 11:00 but I was never able to get to sleep. Finally I got up and took a bath and realized that I wasn't having a horrible period, I was having a miscarriage. I have always had D&C's so I had never had a natural miscarriage before and it was horrible. By 3:00 in the morning I just couldn't handle it anymore. I prayed and told Heavenly Father I needed his help, I couldn't handle the pain anymore so it either needed to be over or he needed to tell me what to do. I immediately noticed a water bottle on the counter and had the prompting to use it as a heat pack. I filled it with hot water and went to the couch. I was able to finally fall asleep until about 3:30 when I got up and finally passed everything. I called the doctor the first thing the next morning and they were able to squeeze me in that morning. I was shocked when the doctor said it loooked like I had been about 12 weeks pregnant. I hadn't even known. It was so much to digest, I was pregnant, now I wasn't. How did I feel about it? I was in total denial. This could not be happening to me again. Silly as it sounds I was scared that Katie would be upset that I hadn't told her that I was pregnant. How could I if I didn't even know?? Then I started blaming myself. Finally I started avoiding it, I didn't even go to my follow-up appointment to make sure I didn't have an infection. I just totally shut it all out. I was so scared that I would lose Roman if anyone knew.

February has always been a hard month for me with losses, our second miscarriage was February 18, 2004 my brother-in-laws 19th birthday and as I was in the hospital having a D&C my sister-in-law left a message that our nephew was born. Then Februray 1, 2006 the little boy that we were first chosen to adopt was born, and now as I was dealing with those two this year, I realized had I not miscarried, I would have been due in February. I held Roman so tight the entire month of Febraury. He is the greatest blessing in our lives, I don't know what I would do without his sweet spirit. I realized this year that we have had a lot of pain, but we have so much joy! February 18, 2008 Roman said Ahma (Mamma) for the first time. What a beautiful blessing. February 28, 2008 Roman said Dadadadadadada for the first time. Feburay is also so full of Joy for us now.

I know one day I will understand why we have needed to go through all this. Why with fertility treatments I have never been able to get pregnant, but when we are not trying, somehow I am. I have learned that Heavenly Father truely does have a plan for our family, and even if I don't understand it now, eventually I will understand. I have learned that Heavenly Father's plans is usually better than mine anyway. I just need to be patient and realize that He won't leave us comfortless!