We have had a lot of questions about how open adoptions work and how ours has worked, and just questions and general concerns. We were able to visit with Mommy Katie again this week so I thought this would be a great opportunity to answer questions that we have had asked. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. If I don't know the answer it's probably a great question that I should consider.
Q - What is an open adoption?
A - Open adoption is a term generally used to describe a variety of arrangements allowing for ongoing contact. The level of openness in any relationship varies widely. Degrees of open arrangements span from mediated contact, which implies letters and photographs sent through a third party (so that the adoptive family can maintain privacy), to full disclosure of the adoptive family's personal information. In fully open adoptions, there is actual physical contact, through meetings and visits between the birth family and the adoptive family.
We have a very open adoption. We send e-mails weekly, we e-mail pictures and send pictures whenever we have them taken professionally through the mail, and have face to face visits (so far the visits have been about every 3 months, but we don't have a set schedule, it's just whenever they happen)
Q - How did you decide on an open adoption?
A - Our contact started outside the agency and very open so it would have been silly to try to have a closed adoption after already knowing so much and being so open with Katie. Katie told us from the start that she wanted an open adoption and we were fine with that. Every situation is different but for us this was the right decision. There are situations where an open adoption may not be the best option, it is a very personal decision for the adoptive couple and for the birth parents.
Q - Are you afraid that he will be confused by having an open adoption?
A -Roman knows that Katie loves him and cared enough to want the very best for him. She made a beautiful book for Roman explaining why she chose adoption. The best part about having an open adoption is if Roman has questions that we can not answer when he is older, he can ask her.
Q - When do you plan on telling Roman that he is adopted?
A - He already knows. Rather than deciding on a day or an age we decided that he will always know that he is adopted, that it is part of who he is. It doesn't make him any different, and we make sure that it's a positive thing. My husband recently realized that it really bothers him when children teasing each other say "well you're adopted." It's not a bad thing. It can be a very good thing.Q - How do you refer to his birthmother? Do you call her mom, Katie, do you have a name that you call her?
A - Every family is different in what they call their child's birthmother. We decided that until Roman can decide on his own we are going to call Katie "Mommy Katie." Once he is old enough to decide he can choose what he wants to call her, as long as it is respectful.
Q - Are you afraid he will be confused by having two mom's?A - While Roman does have two mom's, I am his mom and Katie is his "Mommy Katie" more in the role of a favorite aunt.
Q - Are you afraid Katie will want Roman back?
A - No. By having an open adoption she is able to see that he is healthy and happy and that is what she wanted for him. That is why she chose an adoption plan. By having an open relationship I am less concerned about that than I would be with a closed adoption because we know that she is happy with her decision.
Q - Are you afraid when Roman is older he will tell you that you are not his "real" mom?
A - I think that is something that can happen whether a child is adopted or not. The bottom line is I am his real mom, just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean that I am not his mother.
Q - Are you afraid that he will want to go live with his "real" mom when he is older?
A - He already lives with his real mom.
Q - Are you ever nervous or do you feel judged (by his birthmom) because you have an open adoption?
A - At first I was really nervous that Katie wouldn't approve of how I was as a mother, but as I have gotten more comfortable as a mother I have realized that we both want what is best for Roman and hopefully she can see that I am trying to do what is best for him.
If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask. As I said before, I am happy to answer questions on adoption.
8 comments:
Great post. You answered a lot of my questions!
Wow. Thank you for answering so many questions and for sharing your experience. I couldn't sleep and spent an hour here just reading this blog and crying. Crying for you and others longing for babies, for scared teenage mothers who may not know what to do, crying out of love for my own babies who I am so grateful for... Just crying for everyone. Your adoption story is so touching. That song "I Would Die For That" was amazing and touched my heart. Thanks for sharing it. I have given my body and life to my kids in so many ways, and it is too easy to complain about certain things. But when I listened to that song it made me think about all the things I tend to complain about, and made it all seem trivial. Anything and everything we have done and will ever do for our kids is worth it.
I found your blog through the R house. I love how completely honest and sincere you are about this subject. We have 2 adopted children and both of our adoptions are open. We get so many ?s and concerns. It's funny how everyone thinks they know what is best on the subject. :) It might not be right for everyone, but it has been very positive for our family. I just love everything you have on your blog! Thanks for sharing!! I'm going to upload that "I'd die for that" video to my blog too, hope you don't mind!
I found your blog through Nurse Heidi. Both of our children are adopted and the whole process is so tender to my heart. The poem is beautiful, I hadn't heard it before. I love how your little family has such a great relationship with your birth mom. Thanks for sharing.
this is brilliant!!
...and how do i know kelli? i do, but how??? it is killing me. i think it's something to do with teaching. did we teach together somewhere? cedar ridge? i think so!
my favorite is that roman's birth mother (i think i understand this right) made a book about why she chose open adoption. anything from tyson's birth mother is SOOO precious to us.
I really enjoyed your post! My husband & I are looking into adoption sometime in the future so this was very helpful!
LOVE open adoption =) Can't imagine it any other way. That is the best thing about adoption nowadays . Is that it can be personalized. Always set the expectations lower so that nobody gets hurt. Open adoption helps everyone involved to heal ! It is true though sometimes it isn't best. It all depends on everyone involved. You don't need to decide on what kind of adoption you want nor should you until you meet your potential birthmother. You'll know what is right when you meet her.
great q and a. do you get asked those all the time in the junior high schools? i do! maybe i will just print off this post and hand it out.
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