I love song lyrics. So many times they say the words that I can't expess. A little over a month ago a bought a book about adoption called "From God's arms to my arms to Yours" by Michael McLean. The title song has been used for years. It was written by a birthmother who wanted to send with her child a song that expressed her love for him. After years of requests and stories that Michael McLean received from birthmotheres and adoptive parents he decided that the one song was not enough, and he felt that he needed to have songs that showed the different aspects of adoption. The book has the lyrics to each of the songs and a little introduction to them. I have grown to absolutely love this book and there is one song in particular that I find running through my head almost daily. It's called "Something Perfect" and it's about the joy that the adoptive parents feels after they have finally become parents.
Something Perfect
There's an ache that's missing today
There's an emptiness that's been filled
There's a cloud that's lifting and drifting away
There's a ragin' storm that's been stilled
There's a joy that's real
There's a wound that's finally healed
There's a future replacing the past
There's breath of new life in the cast
And there's something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fears
And through countless tomorrows
It won't disappear
This something that's perfect
Happening here
No one knows, so no one can say
That tomorrow all will be well
Will the brightest promise that shines on today
Shine tomorrow? No one can tell
But one thing is sure
And will be forever more
When such unselfish love has been given
The world just made more room for heaven
And there's something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fear
And through countless tomorrows it won't disappear
This something that's perfect
Happening here
February 20, 2008
Something Perfect
February 14, 2008
Happy Valentines Day
Nine years ago Spencer was a poor missionary serving in Alice, Texas. Even though he had little money he wanted to do something special for Valentines day. He spent an entire p-day coloring in the worlds "I Love you" on a giant red heart that he rolled up, put in a giant mailing tube and sent to me filled with hugs and kisses. On the back of the heart he taped a note that said
"Here is 'my' heart for you
with some 'hugs' and 'kisses'
for whom my love is true!
Will you be mine this Valentines?
Love,
Elder Strickland"
We have moved twice and it has been nine years but I still have that heart. I can't seem to get rid of it. It was the best valentine he could have sent!
I Love you honey!
February 10, 2008
I Would Die for That
I was looking at another blog on adoption this morning and I saw this video. It was very moving. I watched it and thought "I can't go without sharing this." So here it is.
I Would Die for That
by Kelly Coffee
February 5, 2008
Found
As I said LDS family Services encourages adoptive couples to find their birthmother. In our case she found us. After that first e-mail we didn't hear back from Katie for another 2 weeks, and when we did she was going through some really hard things, but we started e-mailing. It felt like we were old friends. It was so easy to e-mail with Katie, but so scary at the same time. I told Spencer so many times that no matter what happened I wanted to support her because she was such an amazing person.
About a month later (March 30, 2007) Katie sent us the cutest e-card, I had to check the date on the calender to make sure it wasn't some cruel April Fools joke. She told us that she had been praying and she knew that he was supposed to be part of our family.
She was 28 weeks pregnant at that point, and we continuted to e-mailed regularly. I still had the fear in the back of my mind that it wasn't going to happen. I think she knew how scared I was because where we should have been the ones reassuring her that everything was going to be okay, she was reassuring us.
Katie was coming to Utah a few weeks later to see her niece be blessed, so we were able to meet her. It actually worked out perfectly. We were leaving for California (to See Spencer's family and meet up with his brother that we were going to Hawaii with) then Hawaii just 2 days after she was here, if it had been the next weekend we would have missed each other. We met at PF Chang in Provo for dinner. I was so scared what if we didn't recognize each other, what if she didn't like us? What if she decided she was wrong? Fortunately we recognized her right off, we hd no problems talking, it was like seeing an old friend. The waiter was so funny, he had no idea what he was asking when he asked if we were there for a special occasion, we said "Sort of" he asked "A birthday?" Katie said "Yes, there will be a birthday" We all laughed and he walked off a little confused. We sat and talked and showed each other pictures and laughed, and just had such a fun, easy time. We went outside after we were done eating dinner so that we could visit a little more and who should walk past but Katie's Dad, Step-mom, Brother, and Grandma. So we were able to meet them and Katie's dad took a picture of the three of us together. (Well 4 if you count the bump.)
We decided that we were going to be a little mean when we told our families that we were expecting a baby again. We waited until we were getting on the plane to go to California and just as we were boarding the plane we sent out a mass text message to all of Spencer's family with an ultrasound picture and it said under the bottom "It's a boy." We didn't even get a chance to turn off our cell phones before they started ringing. We got on the plane and had so many missed calls and text messages when we finally got to California.
The 3 months from when we found out that she had chosen us until he was born was so scary. I was constantly worried that we were going to get to the end again and have her decide that she just couldn't do it. (I wouldn't blame her either, he is one adorable little boy.)
June finally came and Katie had things set up for a scheduled induction, she was going to be induced on June 25 (Which was a Monday), but didn't make it, she called 5 days earlier to say her water had broken. She lived a state away, Spencer and I were both at work, we didn't have bags packed, heck I didn't even have a car at work. I had carpooled to work that day, thankfully my friend Ilein had just happened to stop by the office to drop off a baby gift. She was also pregnant, due the same day. She was nice enough to take me home, I was on the phone the entire time. We somehow made it home, packed bags, tickets, hotel, rental car booked, and to the airport in about 2 1/2 hours. We were to the hospital 800 someodd miles away within about 5 1/2 hours from the time we got the call that her water had broken, and I was able to be in the room when Roman was born.
Waiting Continued
After the trip to Texas I wanted to get things going full swing again. We came home, I called the caseworker and told her we wanted our profile reactived and I wanted to get things going. The best thing that came from the failed adoption is it gave us the opportunity to start talking to people about our plans to adopt. It really gave us the chance to open up.
It took over a month for our profile to be reactivated, and I was so discouraged to learn that our profile had lost "seniority." Basically what happens is this, a birthmother will say what she is looking for, the caseworker will go through their "book" of profiles and find the first 10 that match her criteria, give those to her, then if she doesn't find a match in those 10 they will give 10 more. We went all the way to the back of the book again, and on the website we were clear at the bottom.
I wasn't even sure I wanted to adopt still to be completely honest. I knew that my body probably couldn't support a healthy pregnancy, but I wanted to be a mother SO badly, and I didn't know if I could take the heartache of another failed adoption. So I went back to my doctor and started fertility treatments again. We did this for 8 months, nothing. Finally we were back to the point that our last option was Invetro again and decided that we would wait until after Spencer changed jobs in May because his new job would cover fertility treatments, and we were draining our adoption funds trying something that obviously wasn't working.
By January I just couldn't take the waiting with no results any longer and I started calling adoption agencies to see what other agencies there were that were under $15,000. I found 3 and had them all send me their initial paperwork and what we would need to do to activate our profile with them as well. In just over a month I had filled out paperwork for all 3 agencies and was ready to send. Then, out of the blue, I had a birthmother that e-mailed me, she had seen that we were trying to adopt, and she wanted to see our profile. I didn't know what it was, but I decided to hold off on sending out the applications.
January 31, 2008
Waiting and Heart Aching
Our adoption profile was approved November 2004. We had our first phone call from our caseworker in December, a baby with Downs Syndrome, a heart defect, and Gastric Intestinal problems, would we like to have our profile shown to these birthparents? It was so exciting to have that call, but we knew that it wasn't something that we could handle. Then January a baby was born in Hawaii, the birthmother wanted to look at a few profiles, could they send ours? Of course we said yes!! Well, after a few questions, we were eliminated. Every few months our caseworker would call to check in with us, see how we were, they had to do quarterly updates, but that was it. The calls stopped coming.
On January 20, 2006, I was at work and our caseworker called and said she needed to talk to Spencer and me that day, as soon as possible. I asked her if we had been chosen, she said "I can't say anything, I really need to meet with you today though." I got off work early, we set things up to all meet at Spencer's office that afternoon. We sat down in the conference room and she started out by asking how we were doing, then went on to tell us that we had been chosen by a birthmother who was due in about a week and a half. She took a paper out of her bag, the only information that she had, a data sheet of information about the birthmother and birthfather. She then informed us that the birthmother wanted to meet us the next Friday.
My head was just spinning, after all this waiting, and we had only a few days to get things ready. I went to Babies'r'Us on my way home, bought a carseat and stroller, a few clothes, diapers, wipes. I remember saying so many times "Most people have 9 months to prepare, we have 9 days, maybe, if she doesn't go into labor early." I was running around frantic all week. By the next Friday when we went to meet Brittany (the birthmother) I felt fairly prepared. I even made sure I had the carseat installed in the car and the bags in the trunk just in case she went into labor while we were down meeting her just in case.
We met Brittany and her parents at the LDS Family Services office that she was going through. Her case worker was really great at helping start conversation and keeping it going. It was hard to start a conversation with someone that you didn't know at all, really didn't know anything about and they were planning to give you the greatest gift. We were there for about 3 hours, looked at photo albums, talked about our families, our plans, then took a few pictures then we drove the 4 1/2 hours back home.
Every night I slept with my cell phone right next to the bed just in case they called during the night. My phone finally rang Wednesday morning. Brittany had given birth the night before but she was having second thoughts. Our caseworker told us to hang tight, her caseworker and her bishop were going to go over and talk to her and they would let us know what was happening. That day was one of the longest days of my life. I didn't go to work because I was just waiting for them to call and say "Okay, things are all worked out, come on down." But I knew that wasn't realistic. I knew that I needed to start planning that this wasn't going to happen. Finally that evening our case worker called back. Brittany had decided to parent rather than place. I knew by then that was going to be the outcome but it didn't make it any easier. I felt like I had failed all over again.
I made 2 phone calls, it was all I could do. I called my mom, and I called my neighbor who has taken us under her wing and has been a second family to us. The next day the phones started ringing. Everyone wanted to give us their condolances. They wanted to tell us how sorry they were, and they wanted to tell us that they loved us. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I couldn't keep talking about it. I couldn't even stand to look at the bedroom door to the nursery, let alone walk into the room and take care of things, or go out to the car and take the carseat out.
On a whim we got on a plane and left the state. We went to Texas for a week to visit where Spencer had served his mission. I know I was just avoiding things, but I needed to be able to get away from things to heal. The time with just the two of us was just what I needed. We drove down the beach for an entire day. Getting out to sit on the sand. We watched the sunset. We saw people he knew from his mission. We drove around for over an hour to find the house that Spencer lived in. We went to the San Antonio Temple, walked the river walk. I was able to realize that we had a family, even though it wasn't the family that I had dreamed of, Heavenly Father was mindful of our little family.
January 30, 2008
Dreaming a new Dream
As I mentioned every girl has their fairytale life they dream of. Those dreams don't usually include infertility, because of that they usually don't include adoption either. Adoption was never a bad thing to us, I actually had a good outlook on adoption, and it was something that I thought very highly of people who did adopt. I just had to adjust my dream of my family. I had always looked at pictures of me and Spencer as we were kids wondering what our kids would look like.
I had actually started thinking about adoption before we were even married. When Spencer was on his mission I had a dear friend, I remember the day I talked to her. It was her 20 birthday and I called to wish her a happy birthday. As we were talking she told me that she was pregnant and that she had decided that she was going to place the baby for adoption. I was in basically the same position that she was, unmarried, living with my parents, but I wished that there was some way that I could adopt her baby. I knew that it wasn't right, and I am sure that he is in the family that he is supposed to be in, but it really opened my eyes to the possibility.
After my first round of fertility treatments, I was ready to just move on to adoption. Spencer wasn't sure it was the right thing yet, so we kept trying. For him it was a much slower acceptance that adoption was the right choice for our family. He had a few very personal experiences that bore witness to him that this was the right thing for us.
Like I mentioned in the last post, it required much prayer and tears to get us to the point that we finally contacted LDS Family Services. I was so scared that I was going to be judged, I already felt like such a failure because we were "giving up" that I didn't want anyone else to make me feel like I was a failure. Everyone at LDS Family Services were so great. They were so welcoming and made us feel like this was an exciting adventure, and it was. They light the fire under us.
We had all sorts of paperwork to do, interviews, we even had to have friends write letters to say that we were okay people. We were required to take 6 education classes, this was the greatest thing that they could have done in the process to become approved. The classes were nothing like I expected. During these classes we were able to meet other couples who were on the same journey that we were. It helped me to realize I wasn't alone in this. They had a birthmother panel where we were able to meet birthmothers and see that they were not they steriotypical teenage girls. They were smart, fun, some older, some younger, and they all had one thing in common, they had all placed a baby for adoption.
Then they had the adoptive couple panel where they had 4 couples talk about the journey that they had taken and their adoption stories. There was a couple that had waited just over 3 yaers and I remember thinking "That is so sad, I can't even imagine. I think I would go crazy if I had to wait that long."
January 25, 2008
Our third Angel
(I wrote this post on Febuary 27 but changed the date so that it would be in a more logical position. Also I didn't want it to be the top post.)
Ever since I posted about our infertility and miscarriage I knew that I had was intentionally leaving something out. I had tried to pretend like it didn't happen, but no amount of pretending will change life, so after a month of struggling with my decision I decided it was time to talk about our sweet angel number three.
Right after Roman was born I started getting sick. Some mornings I would have such bad headaches that I would be physically sick. By the time Roman was about a month old I was getting sick a few times a week. Finally I talked to our neighbor who is a chiropractor about it. She did a scan of my neck and back and my neck was seriously out of alignment. I started going to her to try to correct the problem. After a few weeks I started feeling a little better, but I was still really tired and just couldn't ever feel all the way well. I assumed it was from lack of sleep and constantly holding Roman.
The weekend that Roman turned 2 months old my sister, Roman and I went down to St George to see Spencer's cousin. On the way home we stopped at a rest stop to go to the restroom and I called Spencer to let him know we were on our way home. I told Spencer of all the crummy timing I started my period at the rest stop. When we got home I was really cramping so I took a few Excedrin and tried to forget about it. That night I couldn't even hold Roman to get him to sleep I just was in so much pain. I was in tears in was hurting so much. We went to bed around 11:00 but I was never able to get to sleep. Finally I got up and took a bath and realized that I wasn't having a horrible period, I was having a miscarriage. I have always had D&C's so I had never had a natural miscarriage before and it was horrible. By 3:00 in the morning I just couldn't handle it anymore. I prayed and told Heavenly Father I needed his help, I couldn't handle the pain anymore so it either needed to be over or he needed to tell me what to do. I immediately noticed a water bottle on the counter and had the prompting to use it as a heat pack. I filled it with hot water and went to the couch. I was able to finally fall asleep until about 3:30 when I got up and finally passed everything. I called the doctor the first thing the next morning and they were able to squeeze me in that morning. I was shocked when the doctor said it loooked like I had been about 12 weeks pregnant. I hadn't even known. It was so much to digest, I was pregnant, now I wasn't. How did I feel about it? I was in total denial. This could not be happening to me again. Silly as it sounds I was scared that Katie would be upset that I hadn't told her that I was pregnant. How could I if I didn't even know?? Then I started blaming myself. Finally I started avoiding it, I didn't even go to my follow-up appointment to make sure I didn't have an infection. I just totally shut it all out. I was so scared that I would lose Roman if anyone knew.
February has always been a hard month for me with losses, our second miscarriage was February 18, 2004 my brother-in-laws 19th birthday and as I was in the hospital having a D&C my sister-in-law left a message that our nephew was born. Then Februray 1, 2006 the little boy that we were first chosen to adopt was born, and now as I was dealing with those two this year, I realized had I not miscarried, I would have been due in February. I held Roman so tight the entire month of Febraury. He is the greatest blessing in our lives, I don't know what I would do without his sweet spirit. I realized this year that we have had a lot of pain, but we have so much joy! February 18, 2008 Roman said Ahma (Mamma) for the first time. What a beautiful blessing. February 28, 2008 Roman said Dadadadadadada for the first time. Feburay is also so full of Joy for us now.
I know one day I will understand why we have needed to go through all this. Why with fertility treatments I have never been able to get pregnant, but when we are not trying, somehow I am. I have learned that Heavenly Father truely does have a plan for our family, and even if I don't understand it now, eventually I will understand. I have learned that Heavenly Father's plans is usually better than mine anyway. I just need to be patient and realize that He won't leave us comfortless!
Our Infertility
As we were first married we set out our timeline for our family. We planned to stay in our apartment about 2 years, move into a house, start a family. I would be done with school by then and Spencer would have his associates and would be going to the University of Utah for Pre-Law. My how things change. After living in the apartment all of about 3 months I was done with apartment life and we started house hunting. On our limited income I am surprised that we even qualified for a loan, but we did and we found the perfect starter home, great central location. We closed on the house on Spencer's 22nd birthday and moved in three days later.
We were still planning to wait the two years to start our family but that September we got a huge surprise when I found out I was pregnant. Because it was my first pregnancy the doctors office said that they usually would see you for the first visit around 10 weeks. Everything was fine, we had gotten over the initial shock and were actually starting to get excited.
I went in for my appointment and found out that I wasn't 10 weeks like we thought, but more like 15 weeks but the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. She said nothing to worry about, I had a retroverted uterus (tilted back) so she said sometimes it was just hard to find so she sent me for an ultrasound. I had never had an ultrasound before (obviously) so I didn't think anything of it when the ultrasound technician didn't say anything and after she was done said "I'll be back in a few minutes with your doctor." The doctor came in and explained that there was no heartbeat and she thought it would be best if we went ahead and did a D&C. So I went in the next morning completely numb and that was it, I was no longer pregnant. I had the greatest anesthesiologist who said "I have an epidural here with your name on it, I expect to see you here sometime next year to use it." It was the hope that I needed on a completely hopeless day.
We decided that we didn't want to wait another year to try again and after 6 months of trying on our own went back to my doctor. I had known for a few years that it might be difficult for me to get pregnant, When I was 19 I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Overy Syndrome), but my doctor said that it would be no problem, when the time came if we needed help she was more than happy to help. Because I was only ovulating a few times a year she decided to use hormone drugs to try to create a more normal cycle. So I started taking Provera and Clomid, after 4 months with no success we moved to injectable drugs, still nothing and we had exhausted our savings and had to stop. I guess we were just trying things the wrong way as soon as we stopped trying, I was pregnant again. My doctor was great and had us come in weekly for ultrasounds to check growth. The first ultrasound was at 4 weeks, really nothing to see a sac and fetal pole. 5 weeks we could see a little bean, 6 weeks a heartbeat! The chances of miscarrying after seeing a heartbeat drop to only about 10%. Unfortunately I was in that 10% again. The next week there was no heartbeat and only a few days growth where there should have been a week.
I felt like the world came crashing down, but no one was stopping. Life had to go on, but I didn't want it to. My doctor offered to refer me to a specialist to see if we could find a reason for the miscarriages, they had done genetic testing and both pregnancies had come back normal. We went to see a high risk specialist who wanted to do additional testing to try to figure out why this was happening. First he did blood work. Who knew you could give so much blood! They tested for infectious diseases, autoimmune disorders, thyroid problems, alloimune disorders. They needed to test Spencer as well. Everything came back fine.
The last test he wanted to run was to inject a dye into my uterus and do what is called a hystosonogram to check to make sure there weren't any abnormalities or blocked tubes. As soon as the dye entered my uterus the doctor turned the screen to show it to me he said "look at this" and pointed to a few things. I really didn't understand what I was looking at. After we were done he took me into an other room to show me my x-rays next to a normal uterus x-ray. I finally had a diagnosis, T-shaped Uterus. There had been recent research showing that there were women with t-shaped uterus' carrying to term but we had another problem we would need to know as soon as I had ovulated to start medicines to try to maintain the pregnancy. For most patients this meant they would test 3 days after ovulation to see if you had ovulated then start the prescriptions until you test; if negative stop and try another month. For me this meant that we would need to start fertility treatments again because I didn't have a consistent cycle. This doctor didn't do fertility treatments so he referred me to another doctor (a Reproductive Endocrinologist) and as soon as I was pregnant I would return to his care.
So we started on the roller coaster called fertility treatments again. After almost another year the Reproductive Endocrinologist said that we had exhausted all options except Invetro Fertilization.
I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. I couldn't keep doing this to myself, but more than anything I wanted to be a mother. We didn't have the money to proceed with Invetro, and I was so discouraged by everything. We needed to make some decisions on what we were going to do. We prayed a lot, cried a lot, and finally I got up the courage to call LDS Family Services to find out what we would need to do to begin the adoption process.
January 23, 2008
Background - Dating Spencer
Luckily for us the car passed inspection and Spencer appologized for getting upset. And luckily for me my friend wanted me to get a date specifically Spencer to go to a dance with her again. You see, she wanted me to ask Spencer because she wanted to ask the guy I had taken to the last dance. So a little hesitantly I asked him, and for whatever reason he decided to come. 
We became good friends. Spencer didn't want to have a girlfriend. He was getting ready to go on a mission for the LDS church, we were only 18, he had never had a serious girlfriend. There were so many reasons why the time was wrong we were wrong, but it didn't change our feelings for each other.
We dated for 8 months until Spencer got his mission call to the Texas McAllen Mission. We broke up a few days later knowing that I was going to date while he was gone there was no use postponing the inevitable. We were only broken up for about 2 weeks and we decided he was going to be here 2 more months, no reason to jump the gun.
We wrote weekly the entire 2 years that he was gone. Spencer attributes the fact that I was still available when he got home to my little sister who made sure to tell anyone that I dated that she wasn't fond of them. (I think the word she used was "hate.") He got home from his mission July 31, 2000. He was released from his mission the next day. We left on a trip with my parents August 3. It was a little scary we had planned a 2 week trip together. One week with my parents, then we hurried home to fly to California to spend a week with his family. What if we couldn't stand each other after all this time? Lucky for us we still liked each other. After spending 2 weeks together we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our life together. We were engaged 2 weeks later.
Looking back I realize what a crazy whirlwind time this was for us, but we just wanted to get going with our life. We were married 3 months later on November 18, 2000. It was perfect. Okay, if you call freezing temperatures perfect, but honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way now. We were so happy and that what made it perfect.
January 20, 2008
Background - My husband
Spencer moved to my neighborhood when we were both in Jr High. It was a good thing we didn't meet until 2 weeks before we graduated from high school or I am pretty sure he wouldn't be my husband now. We were so different back then, what am I saying, we are so different now, but the time was right that we were able to make things work.
We were both in AP Chemistry classes our Senior year of high school and at the end of the school year they did a field trip to Lagoon (the local amusement park). I think we were supposed to do some sort of ride the rides and write a paper about how science was involved, but really it was just a day off school that we got to go to an amusement park with friends, no parents.
Somehow all through high school Spencer and I had been friends with the same friends and never met. There were 8 of us riding rides together which was perfect because some rides you had to ride 2 together. I, unfortunately have horrible motion sickness and after riding a few rides I was getting more than a little queasy. I decided to sit the next extremely fast loopy gut wrenching ride out. Spencer having grown up going to "much better" (his words) amusement parks decided to sit the ride out too. I was so grateful for his company. I hated holding the others back, but I didn't think I could handle one more twist, turn, or bump. The rest of the day we talked, we made fun of our friends for their horrible sunburns, laughing that neither of us was burned at all. I had no idea that he was painfully shy. I guess I must have taken the lead in our conversation, but he was so easy to talk to, funny, just an all around nice guy.
On the bus ride back to school we were talking about a party that was at our English teachers house that night. Spencer didn't have enough gas to go because he was going skydiving the next day and had a major gas guzzling car. So I offered for him to come to the party with me. By that evening I think we were the two that were the most sunburned and the tables were turned.
After graduation Spencer moved out to California to work to earn money for his mission. I didn't even know that he had gone until after he was back. We weren't really friends or anything, he didn't have any reason to tell me he was leaving. We hadn't even been on a date. After working in a factory for 3 months making windows he had had enough and moved back to Utah.
The week after he was back, our friend (one of the people that we went to Lagoon with) invited us both and a few other friends to an institute dance at the University of Utah. Honestly, it was the lamest dance I have ever been to. We sat out in the foyer and parking lot for a lot of it. My friend (who was a senior in High School that year) had come with me and she was disappointed that she hadn't danced a single dance so I asked Spencer if he would ask her to dance, just one dance. The entire way home my friend talked about what a nice guy he was, how cute he was, just how great. A few weeks later there was a Halloween dance at her school and she really wanted to go, and she really wanted to ask Spencer. So I found a date and she took Spencer and I went with my friend who had invited us to the institute dance.
Spencer and my friend are both so shy they didn't have a lot to say to one another. They had fun, mostly because we had devil costumes and the two guys were having a dual with their pitchforks the entire evening, but they didn't really click. I on the other hand thought he was smart, and funny, and easy to be around.
Two days later my cousin (who was also a senior in high school at the time) called me trying to find someone to go on a double date with her. Her parents had a very strict rule of no single dating while they were in high school. That week was called "Wacky Women's Week" at their school and the girls were supposed to ask guys on dates I think it was every day and there was a them for each day. She had gotten up the courage and asked a guy that she really liked but her friends weren't able to go the day that he was. I made a few calls and had no luck. Finally I called Spencer and asked him what he was doing the next night. He told me that he was sleeping. I told him that sleep was highly overrated and that he should come with me.
The theme for that night was something like "Grandparents and Games" I THINK. All I know is that we went to my Grandparents house and they showed Spencer and my cousin's date all sorts of old pictures of us, we played domino's then went to my cousins house for dinner. We ate dinner on the floor at the coffee table (I am not sure if that was part of the wacky women's week or not). That was probably one of the best dates I had ever been on.
On the way home from my cousin's house we started talking and I was telling Spencer about this old car that we were selling. My parents had an old 1983 (I think) Dodge Colt, think Geo Metro they let us drive it while we were in high school but after we graduated we had to get our own car. They had a few years before my younger sister would need one so they were selling this one and would get another when they needed it. I had just bought my first car, a candy-apple red Chevy S-10 pickup. I had been adamant that I wanted a truck. I had always tried to be tough, and to me a truck was tough, even a tiny wannabe truck like that.
Spencer came over and talked to my parents about it and decided to buy it. He was getting 8 miles per gallon in the car he had and this one got 30-35 miles per gallon. When he bought it I told him that it smoked so he had to be sure to add an oil additive to it so that it would pass emissions, I even left a bottle of it in the trunk for him. He thought that meant that I had added it. The next day he called me at work cussing that it hadn't passed emissions. I was so angry I thought he was so rude and such a jerk. I asked him if he had added the oil additive and told him if he didn't want the car to just bring it back. That night I told my parents if I never saw him again it would be too soon!
January 18, 2008
Background - Growing up
I grew up in a pretty normal middle class life growing up. But really what is normal? Nothing truly extraordinary or catastrophic. We have lots of silly stories to tell and as I think of some I'll have to share. With 5 girls in one house there was a lot of silliness. My poor brother didn't have a fighting chance, he was so picked on. Even now he fears his sisters. (I think that's probably wise with all the tormenting he endured.)
I think we were all a challenge for my parents in different ways. My older sister never really pushed the boundaries and I tried as hard as I could to stretch them as far as possible without getting in too much trouble. I loved collecting friends in High School, my mom would always comment that I didn't really fit into a group. I brought a few friends in from each group, which made for some rather interesting parties. I guess I didn't realize that you were supposed to pick a group a stick to it. There were so many great people in all of them, how could I choose just one? I was always looking out for the underdog, because I had always been somewhat of an underdog, I knew how it felt, and didn't want anyone to feel left out. That is how I made a few of my best friends.
The summer between 6th and 7th grade a new family moved into our neighborhood. They had three daughters and a son. The oldest was my age. The first time we met she told us that they had moved something like 10 times so far in her life. To me this was unfathomable. I had lived in the same house since I was about 3 months old. She was very reserved, and didn't like to make friends because they wouldn't be there for long, they never were. All summer I tried so hard to become her friend. By the end of the summer we were inseparable. We would ride the same bus to and from school, after school we would get off the bus, and pretty much spend the rest of the afternoon together. I think she was my first "Best Friend." Every weekend we would have sleepovers and it was so nice to have someone you could be silly with, talk about guys with, and share your deepest darkest secrets.
They lived there a little longer than most places. They stayed all through Jr High then the summer between 9th and 10th grade they moved to California. I was so sad I thought I would never have a friend like her. Through the years we have kept in touch, I don't think it will ever be the same, but hope that we will be friends forever.
After High School I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had taken a dental assisting class my Senior year of High School and I was working in a dental office, and was happy with that. The week that classes started at the community college I decided that I wanted to go to school. I had enjoyed working in dental field, so I decided to go into dental hygiene. After taking 3 semesters of classes, I found out that the wait to get into the hygiene program was about 2 years. When I learned this I became very discouraged. I took a semester off and decided that I wanted to go to school for cosmetology instead. I found a cosmetology school in the area (International Institute of Hair Design) and started going to classes in the evenings. I was still working at the dental office during the day. I had been moved to front office (receptionist type position) when the two front office women just didn't come back to work after our Christmas break.
January 17, 2008
Fairy Tale
I think every little girl has the same dream.
They dream about their knight in shining armor will ride up, take her hand and steal her heart.
The fairy tale wedding, and going on to live "Happily Ever After." 
I decided to start this blog to talk about our Happily Ever After.
Another Blog
For a while I have felt the need to write about my life, especially the infertility that I have dealt with and finally our adoption. I decided it wasn't apropriate to put on Roman's blog because that is meant to be all about him. So I have started this to share my story. I hope that I can maybe inspire one person by it. It has been a long hard road that I thought was broken, but I realized that Heavenly Father had a plan for us. This was the road that we would need to take to lead us to our sweet son. The song Bless the Broken Road by Rascall Flatts has taken on a new meaning for me.
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
January 10, 2008
I Longed to Be a Mother
Originally posted May 1, 2008, moved for better placement.
I have been looking a lot at LDS.org this week, and found some amazing articles. SO MANY that say exactly how I have felt so many times. I found this article by Tamara A. Ilich, from the Aug 2000 Ensign. I could have almost written this article, just not as well as this sweet sister did.
My struggle with not having children left me in turmoil. Could I ever find peace?
As a child, I never had any reason to doubt that I would be a mother when I grew up. It was the strongest desire of my heart. I began training myself for the job when I was a little girl, pretending my dolls were real babies, closely watching parents with their children, even working as a nanny for five months when I was 18.
So when I found myself struggling with infertility at the beginning of my newly married life at age 23, I was more than a little stunned. I felt defensive and confused when people asked when my husband and I would be having a baby. I answered their questions in a lighthearted way, but my heart was growing heavy. I thought my body was betraying me, and though I didn’t show it at first, I was in turmoil.
Little things seemed to make the pain most acute, like traditions I brought into my marriage from my own family. For example, Christmas had always been a time for baking cookies and sharing them with children, so I baked. Only after the baking was finished did I realize that the children for whom I carried on these traditions were absent. I also thought Christmas gifts and decorations were primarily for children—the children I didn’t have.
Everywhere I looked, I saw painful reminders of what I lacked. In the spring, a pair of birds raised their babies in the eaves above our front door. It seemed that women all around me were pregnant. People who mistreated their children and therefore didn’t seem to deserve them still had them. It seemed that everyone and everything but me could “be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth” (Gen. 1:28).
My husband and I received fertility treatments. We fasted. My family fasted. We prayed. Our names were added to temple prayer rolls. Still no baby.
I tried to bargain with Heavenly Father in an effort to find the key that would turn the lock and reverse infertility for me. I believed in miracles, and I was desperate for one. I was sure that the answer lay in some law I needed to live better; I just needed to figure out which law it was. But trying to change myself didn’t change my childless state.
My spiritual struggle lasted for more than seven years. During that time, my relationship with my Father in Heaven was affected. It seemed that every prayer I said was directed toward my goal of having children. After my disbelief wore thin, I found myself angry. I became less and less humble. Soon I lost the desire to pray altogether.
I alienated everyone around me. I cried during Mother’s Day sacrament meeting programs, never thinking to honor my own mother because I was too wrapped up in my own sorrow. Relatives hesitated to tell me of new babies to be born, and people at church didn’t know what to say. Hearing that perhaps I was not yet ready to be a mother made me cringe. How could that be when I was never told how to get ready? Nor was it a comfort to know that blessings withheld in this life would be granted in the eternities if I was worthy; I was in pain today.
Worst of all, I alienated my husband. In the beginning of our relationship, while we dated, he had been attracted to me because I seemed carefree and effervescent. Now, even that quality was lost in my struggle. Parenting had also been a lifelong dream for my husband, but he came to believe that it would be better for us to stop trying rather than to bring such misery into our home through our unsuccessful efforts. I felt betrayed by his suggestion. My pain left no room for his, and I believed that no one understood my feelings. I felt very alone.
Toward the end of the first seven years of my infertility experience, I was extended a calling as a Relief Society teacher. I accepted the calling even though I felt spiritually depleted and unworthy. I returned to my knees, but instead of praying for myself this time, I prayed for the sisters in Relief Society. I wanted to be able to teach so that hearts could be touched and gospel principles understood. I wanted to bring hope and help to renew the resolve to live whichever gospel principles I was teaching. I knew these things could be accomplished only through the Spirit of the Lord, so I sought the Spirit as I studied and prepared, and I fasted and prayed for His influence to accompany my teaching.
Little did I know, but the effort I was giving for the Relief Society sisters was preparing my heart to be healed. It was while I was teaching one of the lessons that I realized I believed my long unanswered prayers for a baby meant that I was not loved. This realization brought me once again to my knees. I prayed for myself, but now my prayer did not concern my childlessness. What I asked was simply, “Do you love me?”
As soon as I uttered that question, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of love, joy, and peace. Like Alma, I had been in the “gall of bitterness,” but “I could remember my pains no more.” Indeed, “my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!” (Alma 36:18–20).
From that moment, I began to better understand the Atonement. In Gethsemane our Savior took upon Himself the pains, sicknesses, and infirmities of His people so that He would know how to succor them according to their infirmities (see Heb. 4:15; Alma 7:11–12). He sweat great drops of blood as He suffered for all of the afflictions that result from living in a telestial world. Before this answer to prayer, I understood that He did what He did for the world. Now, I understood that His sufferings were also for me.
I knew that because of the Atonement, the Savior understood the nuances of my pain. Because He knew my experience, I did not have to feel alone. My understanding of the Atonement and of the Savior’s love for me were forever changed. Now I have hope. I have joy.
About a year after that answer to my prayer, Heavenly Father blessed my husband and me with a beautiful adopted daughter. I do not know if our home will be blessed with more children, but one thing I do know:
I am loved, and my Savior knows me by name. With joy, I strive to pass on this understanding to the heart of our child.
Most of us will have to experience heart-wrenching adversity at one time or another. Infertility was my greatest trial. Although I still do not understand why I have never been blessed with the experiences of pregnancy and childbirth, I realize it is not essential for me to understand why—that understanding will come at a later time. What matters is that I know that the same Jesus Christ who walked on the earth, healing spiritual and physical sickness of every kind, has healed the sickness that infertility created in my heart. He lives, and my knowledge of His love and of His Atonement is a greater gift than any other—even the gift of being a mother.