Q&A on our open adoption

We have had a lot of questions about how open adoptions work and how ours has worked, and just questions and general concerns. We were able to visit with Mommy Katie again this week so I thought this would be a great opportunity to answer questions that we have had asked. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. If I don't know the answer it's probably a great question that I should consider.

Q - What is an open adoption?

A - Open adoption is a term generally used to describe a variety of arrangements allowing for ongoing contact. The level of openness in any relationship varies widely. Degrees of open arrangements span from mediated contact, which implies letters and photographs sent through a third party (so that the adoptive family can maintain privacy), to full disclosure of the adoptive family's personal information. In fully open adoptions, there is actual physical contact, through meetings and visits between the birth family and the adoptive family.

We have a very open adoption. We send e-mails weekly, we e-mail pictures and send pictures whenever we have them taken professionally through the mail, and have face to face visits (so far the visits have been about every 3 months, but we don't have a set schedule, it's just whenever they happen)

Q - How did you decide on an open adoption?

A - Our contact started outside the agency and very open so it would have been silly to try to have a closed adoption after already knowing so much and being so open with Katie. Katie told us from the start that she wanted an open adoption and we were fine with that. Every situation is different but for us this was the right decision. There are situations where an open adoption may not be the best option, it is a very personal decision for the adoptive couple and for the birth parents.

Q - Are you afraid that he will be confused by having an open adoption?

A -Roman knows that Katie loves him and cared enough to want the very best for him. She made a beautiful book for Roman explaining why she chose adoption. The best part about having an open adoption is if Roman has questions that we can not answer when he is older, he can ask her.

Q - When do you plan on telling Roman that he is adopted?

A - He already knows. Rather than deciding on a day or an age we decided that he will always know that he is adopted, that it is part of who he is. It doesn't make him any different, and we make sure that it's a positive thing. My husband recently realized that it really bothers him when children teasing each other say "well you're adopted." It's not a bad thing. It can be a very good thing.

Q - How do you refer to his birthmother? Do you call her mom, Katie, do you have a name that you call her?

A - Every family is different in what they call their child's birthmother. We decided that until Roman can decide on his own we are going to call Katie "Mommy Katie." Once he is old enough to decide he can choose what he wants to call her, as long as it is respectful.

Q - Are you afraid he will be confused by having two mom's?

A - While Roman does have two mom's, I am his mom and Katie is his "Mommy Katie" more in the role of a favorite aunt.

Q - Are you afraid Katie will want Roman back?

A - No. By having an open adoption she is able to see that he is healthy and happy and that is what she wanted for him. That is why she chose an adoption plan. By having an open relationship I am less concerned about that than I would be with a closed adoption because we know that she is happy with her decision.

Q - Are you afraid when Roman is older he will tell you that you are not his "real" mom?

A - I think that is something that can happen whether a child is adopted or not. The bottom line is I am his real mom, just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean that I am not his mother.

Q - Are you afraid that he will want to go live with his "real" mom when he is older?

A - He already lives with his real mom.

Q - Are you ever nervous or do you feel judged (by his birthmom) because you have an open adoption?

A - At first I was really nervous that Katie wouldn't approve of how I was as a mother, but as I have gotten more comfortable as a mother I have realized that we both want what is best for Roman and hopefully she can see that I am trying to do what is best for him.

If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask. As I said before, I am happy to answer questions on adoption.

Expectant Mother

One year ago today I became an expectant mother. I didn't see a positive pregnancy test, I didn't have a doctor congratulate me.

I woke up early, there was really no reason, I just couldn't sleep.

It was 6:00 in the morning and I immediately checked my e-mail.

I did a triple check when it said "You have an e-card from Katie"

I was shaking and hurried to open the card.

Of course it felt like forever that the screen said loading, then this sweet music started to play and I saw little umbrella's as parachutes with gifts attached showering down the screen.
Words started to Appear

"Heard you have a bundle of Love on the way!"

My heart skipped a beat.

Another screen appeared that said "Congratulations" and told us that we were to be parents.


I read the card at least 10 times before I couldn't contain my joy any longer.

It was a Saturday and I knew that Spencer would sleep until noon if I didn't wake him.

I grabbed the laptop and ran up to our room.

Again shaking I opened the computer, woke him up, and showed him the card.

I said it before but my life has changed so much this year.

Because of a beautiful Mommy Katie, our lives are forever improved!

We love you Katie!

Adoption Advocacy

Today Roman and I were able to go to the High School that Spencer and I graduated from to do some presentations representing the Utah Adoption Council. We were only supposed to present for a morning class, and I was so nervous to go, what if I didn't say the right things? What if our message wasn't received well? What if I draw a blank? And most importantly, what if I am not able to make a different at all? I can't say that I made a difference, but I know that I said the things that I needed to say. I prayed on my way that even if I would be able to say the right things, and that I would be able to present the message that these students needed to hear. They have a birthmother present as well, so she can tell her side of the story. The birthmother, Myra, was amazing. She had such a great story to share, and it really helped me to settle into what I needed to say.

As we were almost finished the teacher asked Myra and I if we could stay for a few minutes to talk to a student that she had that was newly pregnant and hasn't decided what to do yet, she hadn't even told her parents yet. I was more than happy to talk to her. Myra agreed. We spent 30-45 minutes talking to her and her friend (who was also pregnant) about adoption. She had a lot of questions, and it was calming for her to hear answers in a less threatening envirnment. Myra talked to her about talking to her parents, going to birthmother group, and nfinding support. After these girls left Myra said "She doesn't want to be a mom, she is scared and her mom did it and her grandma did it so she feels trapped." Myra offered to go to group with her (and her friend) at the local agency and I hope that she takes her up on it. It felt so good to know that we had touched someone.

As I mentioned I had only planned to do the morning presentation. I was about 30 minutes away when Myra sent me a text message that the afternoon presenter had not come and she didn't have any information. So Roman and I ran back out to the car, and went back for a second session. I was there with only 45 minutes remaining. I was out of breath and not prepared but again said a prayer and calmed right into it. Myra helped with Roman because he was going with no nap which is bad news. Thankfully he was an angel until we were on our way home. About half way through the presentation, I realized there was an obviously pregnant girl sitting in the front row who was taking notes on what we were saying. I found myself addressing a lot of what I said directly to her. She was making eye contact most of the time, and I could tell that she was obviously interested. I had hoped that she would stop and talk to us after class, but was one of the first to leave. The second presentation was so great, there were so many questions, they were a great class.

I had planned to show a montage that we made for Katie at the end of our presentation, but it wouldn't work the first time. I really think it was because it wasn't right. I was able to show it in the afternoon and I have been meaning to post it here for a while. Anyway, here is our video for Katie!

For some reason the montage would not work here, so I have put a very small version of it in the side bar! Hope you can see it.

'Open' adoptions good for kids

Whenever I hear a news teaser about adoption stories I am always interested. I just have to say Thank you to NBC. Today they did a very short story about adoption. I love hearing positive stories about adoption. As soon as I saw this story I immediately went to their website to see if I could find it to post. Not only did they have the story, but also three links about adoption. Thank you NBC for your positive view and for helping families like ours to grow and help explain adoption.



The first link that was posted was for the American Academy of Family Physicians. It answers Frequently asked questions about adoption.

The second link was to the Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute. This site has some great articles about adoption.

The third link was to the Spence-Chapin Services. This is an adoption agency that does domestic and international adoptions with a great article on open adoptions. It explains it so well!

One year ago today. . .

One year ago today I received an e-mail that changed our lives forever. I have been very reflective this week thinking about all that has happened this year. How our lives have changed. One year ago today I had no idea that at the same time one year later I would be wrestling with a rambunctious 8 month old. I didn't know that I would be a stay at home mom, and I definitely didn't know that I would be writing all of this. Before Roman was born I was SO reserved, I would even say embarrassed by everything. I never spoke of the problems that we had, I went so far as going along with comments that were made along the lines that we were never having children, because deep down I was afraid that we may not.

If you had told me that I would have a blog where I wrote about all our struggles to start a family I would have laughed. I am still a little uncomfortable putting everything we have gone through out there for anyone to see, but realize that it is because so many people are uncomfortable talking about infertility and miscarriages that I didn't know what to expect.

One year doesn't seem like very long, and an eternity all at the same time.

One year in the grand scheme of things is not very long.

But One year has changed my life for eternity!

Something Perfect

I love song lyrics. So many times they say the words that I can't expess. A little over a month ago a bought a book about adoption called "From God's arms to my arms to Yours" by Michael McLean. The title song has been used for years. It was written by a birthmother who wanted to send with her child a song that expressed her love for him. After years of requests and stories that Michael McLean received from birthmotheres and adoptive parents he decided that the one song was not enough, and he felt that he needed to have songs that showed the different aspects of adoption. The book has the lyrics to each of the songs and a little introduction to them. I have grown to absolutely love this book and there is one song in particular that I find running through my head almost daily. It's called "Something Perfect" and it's about the joy that the adoptive parents feels after they have finally become parents.

Something Perfect

There's an ache that's missing today
There's an emptiness that's been filled
There's a cloud that's lifting and drifting away
There's a ragin' storm that's been stilled
There's a joy that's real
There's a wound that's finally healed
There's a future replacing the past
There's breath of new life in the cast

And there's something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fears
And through countless tomorrows
It won't disappear
This something that's perfect
Happening here

No one knows, so no one can say
That tomorrow all will be well
Will the brightest promise that shines on today
Shine tomorrow? No one can tell
But one thing is sure
And will be forever more
When such unselfish love has been given
The world just made more room for heaven

And there's something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fear
And through countless tomorrows it won't disappear
This something that's perfect
Happening here

Happy Valentines Day

Nine years ago Spencer was a poor missionary serving in Alice, Texas. Even though he had little money he wanted to do something special for Valentines day. He spent an entire p-day coloring in the worlds "I Love you" on a giant red heart that he rolled up, put in a giant mailing tube and sent to me filled with hugs and kisses. On the back of the heart he taped a note that said

"Here is 'my' heart for you
with some 'hugs' and 'kisses'
for whom my love is true!
Will you be mine this Valentines?

Love,
Elder Strickland"

We have moved twice and it has been nine years but I still have that heart. I can't seem to get rid of it. It was the best valentine he could have sent!

I Love you honey!

I Would Die for That

I was looking at another blog on adoption this morning and I saw this video. It was very moving. I watched it and thought "I can't go without sharing this." So here it is.

I Would Die for That

by Kelly Coffee

Found

As I said LDS family Services encourages adoptive couples to find their birthmother. In our case she found us. After that first e-mail we didn't hear back from Katie for another 2 weeks, and when we did she was going through some really hard things, but we started e-mailing. It felt like we were old friends. It was so easy to e-mail with Katie, but so scary at the same time. I told Spencer so many times that no matter what happened I wanted to support her because she was such an amazing person.

About a month later (March 30, 2007) Katie sent us the cutest e-card, I had to check the date on the calender to make sure it wasn't some cruel April Fools joke. She told us that she had been praying and she knew that he was supposed to be part of our family.

She was 28 weeks pregnant at that point, and we continuted to e-mailed regularly. I still had the fear in the back of my mind that it wasn't going to happen. I think she knew how scared I was because where we should have been the ones reassuring her that everything was going to be okay, she was reassuring us.

Katie was coming to Utah a few weeks later to see her niece be blessed, so we were able to meet her. It actually worked out perfectly. We were leaving for California (to See Spencer's family and meet up with his brother that we were going to Hawaii with) then Hawaii just 2 days after she was here, if it had been the next weekend we would have missed each other. We met at PF Chang in Provo for dinner. I was so scared what if we didn't recognize each other, what if she didn't like us? What if she decided she was wrong? Fortunately we recognized her right off, we hd no problems talking, it was like seeing an old friend. The waiter was so funny, he had no idea what he was asking when he asked if we were there for a special occasion, we said "Sort of" he asked "A birthday?" Katie said "Yes, there will be a birthday" We all laughed and he walked off a little confused. We sat and talked and showed each other pictures and laughed, and just had such a fun, easy time. We went outside after we were done eating dinner so that we could visit a little more and who should walk past but Katie's Dad, Step-mom, Brother, and Grandma. So we were able to meet them and Katie's dad took a picture of the three of us together. (Well 4 if you count the bump.)

We decided that we were going to be a little mean when we told our families that we were expecting a baby again. We waited until we were getting on the plane to go to California and just as we were boarding the plane we sent out a mass text message to all of Spencer's family with an ultrasound picture and it said under the bottom "It's a boy." We didn't even get a chance to turn off our cell phones before they started ringing. We got on the plane and had so many missed calls and text messages when we finally got to California.

The 3 months from when we found out that she had chosen us until he was born was so scary. I was constantly worried that we were going to get to the end again and have her decide that she just couldn't do it. (I wouldn't blame her either, he is one adorable little boy.)

June finally came and Katie had things set up for a scheduled induction, she was going to be induced on June 25 (Which was a Monday), but didn't make it, she called 5 days earlier to say her water had broken. She lived a state away, Spencer and I were both at work, we didn't have bags packed, heck I didn't even have a car at work. I had carpooled to work that day, thankfully my friend Ilein had just happened to stop by the office to drop off a baby gift. She was also pregnant, due the same day. She was nice enough to take me home, I was on the phone the entire time. We somehow made it home, packed bags, tickets, hotel, rental car booked, and to the airport in about 2 1/2 hours. We were to the hospital 800 someodd miles away within about 5 1/2 hours from the time we got the call that her water had broken, and I was able to be in the room when Roman was born.

Waiting Continued

After the trip to Texas I wanted to get things going full swing again. We came home, I called the caseworker and told her we wanted our profile reactived and I wanted to get things going. The best thing that came from the failed adoption is it gave us the opportunity to start talking to people about our plans to adopt. It really gave us the chance to open up.

It took over a month for our profile to be reactivated, and I was so discouraged to learn that our profile had lost "seniority." Basically what happens is this, a birthmother will say what she is looking for, the caseworker will go through their "book" of profiles and find the first 10 that match her criteria, give those to her, then if she doesn't find a match in those 10 they will give 10 more. We went all the way to the back of the book again, and on the website we were clear at the bottom.

I wasn't even sure I wanted to adopt still to be completely honest. I knew that my body probably couldn't support a healthy pregnancy, but I wanted to be a mother SO badly, and I didn't know if I could take the heartache of another failed adoption. So I went back to my doctor and started fertility treatments again. We did this for 8 months, nothing. Finally we were back to the point that our last option was Invetro again and decided that we would wait until after Spencer changed jobs in May because his new job would cover fertility treatments, and we were draining our adoption funds trying something that obviously wasn't working.

By January I just couldn't take the waiting with no results any longer and I started calling adoption agencies to see what other agencies there were that were under $15,000. I found 3 and had them all send me their initial paperwork and what we would need to do to activate our profile with them as well. In just over a month I had filled out paperwork for all 3 agencies and was ready to send. Then, out of the blue, I had a birthmother that e-mailed me, she had seen that we were trying to adopt, and she wanted to see our profile. I didn't know what it was, but I decided to hold off on sending out the applications.

Waiting and Heart Aching

Our adoption profile was approved November 2004. We had our first phone call from our caseworker in December, a baby with Downs Syndrome, a heart defect, and Gastric Intestinal problems, would we like to have our profile shown to these birthparents? It was so exciting to have that call, but we knew that it wasn't something that we could handle. Then January a baby was born in Hawaii, the birthmother wanted to look at a few profiles, could they send ours? Of course we said yes!! Well, after a few questions, we were eliminated. Every few months our caseworker would call to check in with us, see how we were, they had to do quarterly updates, but that was it. The calls stopped coming.

On January 20, 2006, I was at work and our caseworker called and said she needed to talk to Spencer and me that day, as soon as possible. I asked her if we had been chosen, she said "I can't say anything, I really need to meet with you today though." I got off work early, we set things up to all meet at Spencer's office that afternoon. We sat down in the conference room and she started out by asking how we were doing, then went on to tell us that we had been chosen by a birthmother who was due in about a week and a half. She took a paper out of her bag, the only information that she had, a data sheet of information about the birthmother and birthfather. She then informed us that the birthmother wanted to meet us the next Friday.

My head was just spinning, after all this waiting, and we had only a few days to get things ready. I went to Babies'r'Us on my way home, bought a carseat and stroller, a few clothes, diapers, wipes. I remember saying so many times "Most people have 9 months to prepare, we have 9 days, maybe, if she doesn't go into labor early." I was running around frantic all week. By the next Friday when we went to meet Brittany (the birthmother) I felt fairly prepared. I even made sure I had the carseat installed in the car and the bags in the trunk just in case she went into labor while we were down meeting her just in case.

We met Brittany and her parents at the LDS Family Services office that she was going through. Her case worker was really great at helping start conversation and keeping it going. It was hard to start a conversation with someone that you didn't know at all, really didn't know anything about and they were planning to give you the greatest gift. We were there for about 3 hours, looked at photo albums, talked about our families, our plans, then took a few pictures then we drove the 4 1/2 hours back home.

Every night I slept with my cell phone right next to the bed just in case they called during the night. My phone finally rang Wednesday morning. Brittany had given birth the night before but she was having second thoughts. Our caseworker told us to hang tight, her caseworker and her bishop were going to go over and talk to her and they would let us know what was happening. That day was one of the longest days of my life. I didn't go to work because I was just waiting for them to call and say "Okay, things are all worked out, come on down." But I knew that wasn't realistic. I knew that I needed to start planning that this wasn't going to happen. Finally that evening our case worker called back. Brittany had decided to parent rather than place. I knew by then that was going to be the outcome but it didn't make it any easier. I felt like I had failed all over again.


I made 2 phone calls, it was all I could do. I called my mom, and I called my neighbor who has taken us under her wing and has been a second family to us. The next day the phones started ringing. Everyone wanted to give us their condolances. They wanted to tell us how sorry they were, and they wanted to tell us that they loved us. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I couldn't keep talking about it. I couldn't even stand to look at the bedroom door to the nursery, let alone walk into the room and take care of things, or go out to the car and take the carseat out.


On a whim we got on a plane and left the state. We went to Texas for a week to visit where Spencer had served his mission. I know I was just avoiding things, but I needed to be able to get away from things to heal. The time with just the two of us was just what I needed. We drove down the beach for an entire day. Getting out to sit on the sand. We watched the sunset. We saw people he knew from his mission. We drove around for over an hour to find the house that Spencer lived in. We went to the San Antonio Temple, walked the river walk. I was able to realize that we had a family, even though it wasn't the family that I had dreamed of, Heavenly Father was mindful of our little family.

Dreaming a new Dream

As I mentioned every girl has their fairytale life they dream of. Those dreams don't usually include infertility, because of that they usually don't include adoption either. Adoption was never a bad thing to us, I actually had a good outlook on adoption, and it was something that I thought very highly of people who did adopt. I just had to adjust my dream of my family. I had always looked at pictures of me and Spencer as we were kids wondering what our kids would look like.

I had actually started thinking about adoption before we were even married. When Spencer was on his mission I had a dear friend, I remember the day I talked to her. It was her 20 birthday and I called to wish her a happy birthday. As we were talking she told me that she was pregnant and that she had decided that she was going to place the baby for adoption. I was in basically the same position that she was, unmarried, living with my parents, but I wished that there was some way that I could adopt her baby. I knew that it wasn't right, and I am sure that he is in the family that he is supposed to be in, but it really opened my eyes to the possibility.

After my first round of fertility treatments, I was ready to just move on to adoption. Spencer wasn't sure it was the right thing yet, so we kept trying. For him it was a much slower acceptance that adoption was the right choice for our family. He had a few very personal experiences that bore witness to him that this was the right thing for us.

Like I mentioned in the last post, it required much prayer and tears to get us to the point that we finally contacted LDS Family Services. I was so scared that I was going to be judged, I already felt like such a failure because we were "giving up" that I didn't want anyone else to make me feel like I was a failure. Everyone at LDS Family Services were so great. They were so welcoming and made us feel like this was an exciting adventure, and it was. They light the fire under us.

We had all sorts of paperwork to do, interviews, we even had to have friends write letters to say that we were okay people. We were required to take 6 education classes, this was the greatest thing that they could have done in the process to become approved. The classes were nothing like I expected. During these classes we were able to meet other couples who were on the same journey that we were. It helped me to realize I wasn't alone in this. They had a birthmother panel where we were able to meet birthmothers and see that they were not they steriotypical teenage girls. They were smart, fun, some older, some younger, and they all had one thing in common, they had all placed a baby for adoption.

Then they had the adoptive couple panel where they had 4 couples talk about the journey that they had taken and their adoption stories. There was a couple that had waited just over 3 yaers and I remember thinking "That is so sad, I can't even imagine. I think I would go crazy if I had to wait that long."

Our third Angel

(I wrote this post on Febuary 27 but changed the date so that it would be in a more logical position. Also I didn't want it to be the top post.)

Ever since I posted about our infertility and miscarriage I knew that I had was intentionally leaving something out. I had tried to pretend like it didn't happen, but no amount of pretending will change life, so after a month of struggling with my decision I decided it was time to talk about our sweet angel number three.

Right after Roman was born I started getting sick. Some mornings I would have such bad headaches that I would be physically sick. By the time Roman was about a month old I was getting sick a few times a week. Finally I talked to our neighbor who is a chiropractor about it. She did a scan of my neck and back and my neck was seriously out of alignment. I started going to her to try to correct the problem. After a few weeks I started feeling a little better, but I was still really tired and just couldn't ever feel all the way well. I assumed it was from lack of sleep and constantly holding Roman.

The weekend that Roman turned 2 months old my sister, Roman and I went down to St George to see Spencer's cousin. On the way home we stopped at a rest stop to go to the restroom and I called Spencer to let him know we were on our way home. I told Spencer of all the crummy timing I started my period at the rest stop. When we got home I was really cramping so I took a few Excedrin and tried to forget about it. That night I couldn't even hold Roman to get him to sleep I just was in so much pain. I was in tears in was hurting so much. We went to bed around 11:00 but I was never able to get to sleep. Finally I got up and took a bath and realized that I wasn't having a horrible period, I was having a miscarriage. I have always had D&C's so I had never had a natural miscarriage before and it was horrible. By 3:00 in the morning I just couldn't handle it anymore. I prayed and told Heavenly Father I needed his help, I couldn't handle the pain anymore so it either needed to be over or he needed to tell me what to do. I immediately noticed a water bottle on the counter and had the prompting to use it as a heat pack. I filled it with hot water and went to the couch. I was able to finally fall asleep until about 3:30 when I got up and finally passed everything. I called the doctor the first thing the next morning and they were able to squeeze me in that morning. I was shocked when the doctor said it loooked like I had been about 12 weeks pregnant. I hadn't even known. It was so much to digest, I was pregnant, now I wasn't. How did I feel about it? I was in total denial. This could not be happening to me again. Silly as it sounds I was scared that Katie would be upset that I hadn't told her that I was pregnant. How could I if I didn't even know?? Then I started blaming myself. Finally I started avoiding it, I didn't even go to my follow-up appointment to make sure I didn't have an infection. I just totally shut it all out. I was so scared that I would lose Roman if anyone knew.

February has always been a hard month for me with losses, our second miscarriage was February 18, 2004 my brother-in-laws 19th birthday and as I was in the hospital having a D&C my sister-in-law left a message that our nephew was born. Then Februray 1, 2006 the little boy that we were first chosen to adopt was born, and now as I was dealing with those two this year, I realized had I not miscarried, I would have been due in February. I held Roman so tight the entire month of Febraury. He is the greatest blessing in our lives, I don't know what I would do without his sweet spirit. I realized this year that we have had a lot of pain, but we have so much joy! February 18, 2008 Roman said Ahma (Mamma) for the first time. What a beautiful blessing. February 28, 2008 Roman said Dadadadadadada for the first time. Feburay is also so full of Joy for us now.

I know one day I will understand why we have needed to go through all this. Why with fertility treatments I have never been able to get pregnant, but when we are not trying, somehow I am. I have learned that Heavenly Father truely does have a plan for our family, and even if I don't understand it now, eventually I will understand. I have learned that Heavenly Father's plans is usually better than mine anyway. I just need to be patient and realize that He won't leave us comfortless!

Our Infertility

As we were first married we set out our timeline for our family. We planned to stay in our apartment about 2 years, move into a house, start a family. I would be done with school by then and Spencer would have his associates and would be going to the University of Utah for Pre-Law. My how things change. After living in the apartment all of about 3 months I was done with apartment life and we started house hunting. On our limited income I am surprised that we even qualified for a loan, but we did and we found the perfect starter home, great central location. We closed on the house on Spencer's 22nd birthday and moved in three days later.

We were still planning to wait the two years to start our family but that September we got a huge surprise when I found out I was pregnant. Because it was my first pregnancy the doctors office said that they usually would see you for the first visit around 10 weeks. Everything was fine, we had gotten over the initial shock and were actually starting to get excited.

I went in for my appointment and found out that I wasn't 10 weeks like we thought, but more like 15 weeks but the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. She said nothing to worry about, I had a retroverted uterus (tilted back) so she said sometimes it was just hard to find so she sent me for an ultrasound. I had never had an ultrasound before (obviously) so I didn't think anything of it when the ultrasound technician didn't say anything and after she was done said "I'll be back in a few minutes with your doctor." The doctor came in and explained that there was no heartbeat and she thought it would be best if we went ahead and did a D&C. So I went in the next morning completely numb and that was it, I was no longer pregnant. I had the greatest anesthesiologist who said "I have an epidural here with your name on it, I expect to see you here sometime next year to use it." It was the hope that I needed on a completely hopeless day.

We decided that we didn't want to wait another year to try again and after 6 months of trying on our own went back to my doctor. I had known for a few years that it might be difficult for me to get pregnant, When I was 19 I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Overy Syndrome), but my doctor said that it would be no problem, when the time came if we needed help she was more than happy to help. Because I was only ovulating a few times a year she decided to use hormone drugs to try to create a more normal cycle. So I started taking Provera and Clomid, after 4 months with no success we moved to injectable drugs, still nothing and we had exhausted our savings and had to stop. I guess we were just trying things the wrong way as soon as we stopped trying, I was pregnant again. My doctor was great and had us come in weekly for ultrasounds to check growth. The first ultrasound was at 4 weeks, really nothing to see a sac and fetal pole. 5 weeks we could see a little bean, 6 weeks a heartbeat! The chances of miscarrying after seeing a heartbeat drop to only about 10%. Unfortunately I was in that 10% again. The next week there was no heartbeat and only a few days growth where there should have been a week.

I felt like the world came crashing down, but no one was stopping. Life had to go on, but I didn't want it to. My doctor offered to refer me to a specialist to see if we could find a reason for the miscarriages, they had done genetic testing and both pregnancies had come back normal. We went to see a high risk specialist who wanted to do additional testing to try to figure out why this was happening. First he did blood work. Who knew you could give so much blood! They tested for infectious diseases, autoimmune disorders, thyroid problems, alloimune disorders. They needed to test Spencer as well. Everything came back fine.

The last test he wanted to run was to inject a dye into my uterus and do what is called a hystosonogram to check to make sure there weren't any abnormalities or blocked tubes. As soon as the dye entered my uterus the doctor turned the screen to show it to me he said "look at this" and pointed to a few things. I really didn't understand what I was looking at. After we were done he took me into an other room to show me my x-rays next to a normal uterus x-ray. I finally had a diagnosis, T-shaped Uterus. There had been recent research showing that there were women with t-shaped uterus' carrying to term but we had another problem we would need to know as soon as I had ovulated to start medicines to try to maintain the pregnancy. For most patients this meant they would test 3 days after ovulation to see if you had ovulated then start the prescriptions until you test; if negative stop and try another month. For me this meant that we would need to start fertility treatments again because I didn't have a consistent cycle. This doctor didn't do fertility treatments so he referred me to another doctor (a Reproductive Endocrinologist) and as soon as I was pregnant I would return to his care.

So we started on the roller coaster called fertility treatments again. After almost another year the Reproductive Endocrinologist said that we had exhausted all options except Invetro Fertilization.

I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. I couldn't keep doing this to myself, but more than anything I wanted to be a mother. We didn't have the money to proceed with Invetro, and I was so discouraged by everything. We needed to make some decisions on what we were going to do. We prayed a lot, cried a lot, and finally I got up the courage to call LDS Family Services to find out what we would need to do to begin the adoption process.

Background - Dating Spencer

Luckily for us the car passed inspection and Spencer appologized for getting upset. And luckily for me my friend wanted me to get a date specifically Spencer to go to a dance with her again. You see, she wanted me to ask Spencer because she wanted to ask the guy I had taken to the last dance. So a little hesitantly I asked him, and for whatever reason he decided to come.




















We became good friends. Spencer didn't want to have a girlfriend. He was getting ready to go on a mission for the LDS church, we were only 18, he had never had a serious girlfriend. There were so many reasons why the time was wrong we were wrong, but it didn't change our feelings for each other.

We dated for 8 months until Spencer got his mission call to the Texas McAllen Mission. We broke up a few days later knowing that I was going to date while he was gone there was no use postponing the inevitable. We were only broken up for about 2 weeks and we decided he was going to be here 2 more months, no reason to jump the gun.




















We wrote weekly the entire 2 years that he was gone. Spencer attributes the fact that I was still available when he got home to my little sister who made sure to tell anyone that I dated that she wasn't fond of them. (I think the word she used was "hate.") He got home from his mission July 31, 2000. He was released from his mission the next day. We left on a trip with my parents August 3. It was a little scary we had planned a 2 week trip together. One week with my parents, then we hurried home to fly to California to spend a week with his family. What if we couldn't stand each other after all this time? Lucky for us we still liked each other. After spending 2 weeks together we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our life together. We were engaged 2 weeks later.

Looking back I realize what a crazy whirlwind time this was for us, but we just wanted to get going with our life. We were married 3 months later on November 18, 2000. It was perfect. Okay, if you call freezing temperatures perfect, but honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way now. We were so happy and that what made it perfect.