Stay with me

Lately I find myself humming songs, (sometimes I find myself singing out which is not pretty!) and if I am not humming they are definitely running through my head. Songs I haven't heard in years. I find so much solace in their lyrics. Today as I was cleaning the house I had a song I probably haven't heard it 10+ years running through my head. I had to find the lyrics online and when I found them the song was even better. There were only small parts, snippits running through my head. I love songs, they always say so well the things that you feel, even feelings that you didn't know were there you hear them and you think "How did you know that was exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment?"

Stay with Me

By - Michael McLean

Every story has an ending
Even when it can’t be told
And every broken heart starts mending
When it finds shelter from the cold.
I’ve heard a window always opens
When the doors have all been closed
And though I know it’s true
I need my light to see me through
And Lord I need you to

Stay with me
Just until my heart recovers
Stay with me
It’s a lonely thing to suffer
Tell my how the heartache I feel now will go away
Someday
Maybe we just might find the answer
that will carry me
like an awkward dancer on a crowded floor
I’ll learn to dance once more
Someday
If you just stay

Isn't that perfect? I think everyone has something they can apply this too. Everyone has had heartache, everyone has had struggles, and we all have times that we need to be carried. I am so thankful there are these amazing lyricists and authors who can express the feelings that we have all felt.

The Test

Today I have had this song in my head all day.

The Test

Janice Kapp Perry

Tell me friend, why are you blind?
Why doesn’t he who works the miracles send light into your eyes?
Tell me friend, if you understand, why doesn’t He with power to raise
the dead just make you whole again?
It would be so easy for Him.
I watch you and in sorrow and question why.
And you my friend in perfect faith reply.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

Tell me friend, I see your pain.
Why when you pray in faith for healing,
does the crippling thorn remain?
Help me see, if you understand, why doesn’t he who healed
the lame man come with healing in his wings.
It would be so easy for Him.
I watch you and in sorrow question why?
And you my friend, in perfect faith reply.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

Tell me now, why must you die?
Why must your loved ones stand with empty arms,
and ask the question why?
Help me know, so I can go on.
How when your love and faith sustained me,
can the precious gift be gone?
From the depths of sorrow I cry,
though pains of grief within my soul arrive.
The whisperings of the Spirit still my cry.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

Thankful Thursday

I realized this blog has turned into a Thankful Thursday blog, so I need to start posting other than on Thursdays. This doesn't help today though, because once again it's Thursday.

Last week I was starting to fall into the rut again and starting to wonder what I had to be thankful for. I always want to have something huge and important to be thankful for, but the fact of the matter is that it's the little things that really add up and make all the big things possible.

About a month ago our family started having Family Home Evenings. Family Home Evenings are Monday nights, they are encouraged by our church as a time for families to study the gospel together and to do other activities that strengthen the family spiritually, create family memories, and increase unity and love.

We decided that we wanted to start simple, the first week we went to the park with a pizza and a simple children's book that we have with scripture stories to share with Roman. It was so much fun. I realized what we have been missing out on by not having Family Home Evenings all along. I was worried that Roman was too young, that he wouldn't understand, that I wouldn't know what to do. So many worries but they were all unfounded. So far they have all been simple but what a fun time for us to spend together as a family. I look forward to many years of fun family nights on Monday nights. I love spending time together as a family, and I love the closeness that it brings to our family.

I am so thankful that we are taking the time now to start this so that when Roman gets older it's not something we have to find a time for, it's already there, and it's GREAT!

Thankful Thursday

Today I wanted to thank 2 special groups of friends.

The first I found about 6 1/2 years ago after our second miscarriage. I was dealing with so many emotions and really didn't know where to turn. That's when I found the Multiple Miscarriage group on Babycenter. It helped so much to have someone to talk to who understood what we were going through at the time. I don't know them in real life but consider them some of my best friends because they have been there with us through so much. Even now they are just so understanding and just get it. They are there when I need advice, to just vent, or to just be silly with.

The second group I found about 6 months later, also on Babycenter. It was on the LDS Families board. It was a group for women, LDS Women who have struggled with infertility. Again, it was nice to find a group who understood and have been there for us. Because a few live nearby (and a few have been here to visit) we have had a chance to get to know a number of these woman. I love them all so much.

It has been a miracle to watch these woman (from both groups) go on to have families, through all different resources.

I am so thankful for the love and support that they have shown us. I am thankful for the friendships we have formed, and I am thankful that I have the opportunity to call these women my friends!

Running the race

I have never been a runner, but for some reason lately with everyone talking about the races they are preparing for I have been thinking a lot about running. Even considering it, which is huge for me, believe me.

I have been starting to think of my life as a race.

A marathon if you will.

You run and run and put everything you can into it. Then you get that little surge, you remember why you are doing this, how exciting it is, and just when you think you can't give anything more, you see the finish line. You start running harder, faster.

Finally you get to the line, exhausted but so happy that you made it. Then you find out that you are not actually at the end. This is a two lap race. It seems like the cruelest joke. You want to just sit down and cry. But you HAVE to finish.

You start to become a little resentful, why would they do that to do? Why wouldn't they tell you in the beginning that you have a second lap? You aren't angry at anyone in particular just the situation. You still love the journey, you are still glad that you are on it, and when you see the finish line the second time, it is that much more amazing because you didn't know if you could make it, and there you are standing there, basking in the glory of completing something so important to you.

I hope that I feel that way when we reach the finish line.

I have had more than once that I have wanted to sit down and say "I'm done, I give up." I wish that there weren't so many trees and I could see the end now, it would make it so much easier to keep going.

I know though that there is a finish line, the race is just a little longer than I expected, but we just have to keep going.

The perfect gift

Have you ever received a gift that you have always wanted but never knew. I got just that gift today. A couple weeks ago Katie told me she was working on a surprise, a huge surprise. She kept giving me clues but I had no idea, NO IDEA what it was. I started thinking of things, but this exceeded my wildest dreams.

Katie told me yesterday that it should be here today. I was seriously SO EXCITED when I heard the doorbell ring. I tore open the package and found the most amazing book. Not just any book, a book with all the e-mails that Katie and I sent to each other from the very first e-mail until our sealing.

It is probably one of the most amazing gifts. I spent hours today re-reading e-mails. So many things I had forgotten. I forgot how easy our e-mails were, literally from the very first e-mail. I forgot how much fun we had writing e-mails. I forgot how nervous I was and how amazing Katie was at reassuring us from the very beginning. I also forgot how hard it was when Roman was a newborn. I forgot how many e-mails we had sent. The book is almost 300 pages (I have read over 200 so far) and the last page is my very favorite.

It says:
"This book contains our beginning

But there really is no end, when an eternal family is made.

Let's hope friendships are also eternal. If so we've got many more letters to come . . .

August 15, 2009
Katie"

This was the perfect gift! I honestly love it. It is so special to me now, and I can't wait until Roman is old enough and I hope it is just as special to him. Thank you Katie, you are amazing! It's the perfect gift I never knew I always wanted!

Thankful Thursday - A day late

Yesterday was crazy, today will be too, but before the craziness gets out of hand I wanted to make sure I took a little time to remember something else that I have to be thankful for.

Today I am thankful for sisters. Today is my sister Marla's birthday so I thought it would be fitting to talk about my sisters.

(My sister Marla)

Growing up it was fun with 5 girls in the house (There is one brother too, but I thought I would just talk about my sisters today). Just imagine, before my parents added on to their house, we had 4 bedrooms and 1 and 1/2 bathrooms. Before the addition we always had to share a bedroom and I think that is part of why we are so close. When I was 13 my parents added on to their house adding another bathroom, a bigger family room, turned the one family room into bedrooms, just making it more usable for a big family.

(My family 1988)

My sisters are some of my best friends. Like I mentioned today is Marla's birthday, she is turning 22. She is my baby sister and you would think that being so much younger we wouldn't be as close. Untrue, we have always been close. I remember I think it was her 8th birthday I picked her up from elementary school and we went to the dollar theater to see "While you were Sleeping." We are still very close, we are actually going to the zoo today for her birthday!

(Me, Brenda and Marla - San Diego 2002)

My older sister, Janeene and I worked together at Shopko for a few years when we were in high school. We were frequently mistaken for twins (which is funny because I don't think we look that much alike!) Janeene is always so busy we don't get to go do things with her family much but Roman loves her little boy Jaren because he is the only male cousin on my side of the family. Janeene seriously does everything, primary president, works full time, 3 kids (this is an old picture, she has another daughter) I honestly don't know how she keeps up with everything. She is amazing!

(Janeene and her family 2007)

I am the second in my family.

My sister just younger than me, Becky is probably the person I talk to the most aside from Spencer. Becky has 2 little girls that Roman thinks should be here every day. Becky and I have been very close almost our entire lives. In high school we were ALWAYS mistaken for twins, and still occasionally get that. One of my neighbors actually came up and talked to Becky about some work they were having done in their yard thinking it was me! In high school we had one class together and everyone was convinced we were twins. We had one friend in the class that knew that we weren't and we told him to tell everyone we were just sisters, instead he said "Yeah, they're twins." For Becky's 18th birthday we decided to go to Disneyland, just the two of us. It was such a fun trip. Even now, we do so many things with Becky and her girls, we are going to miss them so much when they move to Hawaii!!!!

(Becky and her family 2007)

My last sister (to mention, she isn't the youngest, but I already talked about Marla because it was her birthday) is Brenda. Brenda is also a dental assistant and for about 2 years we worked together in the pediatric dental office. We would drive to work together which gave us a chance to talk every day (at least every day that we worked.) Now that I am not working she is actually working at an office right by our house and she will call me to see if we have had lunch yet and if we want to have lunch with her. Usually this means that she just brings lunch to me while Roman is sleeping. It's always a nice treat to have lunch with a sister though.

I am so thankful that I have a big family with so many sisters. We always used to say that there are enough that if you are fighting with one there is always someone else to play with. Now it's pretty much just that there is always someone to play with (and to help with things, and to talk to)

(This is my entire family minus one brother-in-law July 2009)

(This is the entire family 2007, missing one new niece who was born in November 2008)

Thankful Thursday

I almost forgot that it was Thursday!

I have been working on turning Roman's blog from his second year into a book. It has given me a chance to remember all the amazing things that we have done in the past year. I look at pictures from just one year ago and I forget how little he was and how much he has learned and grown up this past year.

So today I am thankful for Roman.

I am thankful for the opportunity I have to be his mommy. I am thankful for the light he brings to my days. I know I was thankful for him last week too (with adoption) but I decided I wanted to still take the time today to talk just about him.

I am thankful for his inquisitive nature, and for the opportunity he gives me to grow by teaching him. I am thankful for the hugs he gives me just when I need them. I am thankful that he has started throwing his arms around my neck and telling me he loves me.

The biggest thing I am thankful for today, Roman learned to spell his first word. Oh I could just about burst with pride. My cute little boy's first word that he can spell is M-O-M! He knows the beginning of his name because it's similar to Mom, and he knows that his name starts with an R.

What blessings he brings to our family. I can not thank Heavenly Father enough for bringing him to our family. He is my sunshine.

More thoughts on Thankful Thursday

I was doing my hair in a quiet house as Roman sleeps. I was thinking about all the things that I want to be thankful for in my Thankful Thursday post. I realized there are so many things that I take for granted as I look at others and think of everything I don't have.

Sometimes I think we get to a point that we forget that we have blessings because we start to take them for granted. I always dismiss that I have a nice house because we have worked so hard and there were so many circumstances that fell into place. We are still working to make it nice, I forget to be thankful that we have a house. I forget to be thankful that I am able to be a stay at home mom. I do take it for granted. I forget that we have been able to take some amazing trips because it has become part of our life.

I find myself instead looking at others thinking "sure I might have an okay house, but look they have five beautiful children, why couldn't I be blessed with over fertility." Or "Sure we have Roman and he's smart, but he sure is a handful." He is a handful, but I wouldn't want him any other way. We do have a nice house, and if we hadn't struggled with fertility issues we wouldn't be where we are today.

I am learning more and more how far from perfect I am, I do covet others, and I truly am working on it. I am trying to be thankful for what I have, that is the exact reason I started my Thankful Thursdays, more for me than for anyone else. We do have a good life, and just because our life is not exactly as we would have planned it, and there are things that we have done that are not perfect, we do have a good life.

As I mentioned last week, I have one of the most amazing husbands in the world (at least I think he is!). As I mentioned today, we have a beautiful, beautiful, smart, amazing, funny little boy. We have his mommy Katie who has been a huge part of our family. And as I mentioned earlier, those failed adoptions are still helping to make me a better person. I am far from perfect, and I still struggle. It's hard to accept struggling to get pregnant, then to stay pregnant, then moving on to adopt. It does take a toll on you. I think one of the lessons Heavenly Father is trying to teach me is that he is in charge, he does have a plan, even if it's not MY plans. I just need to hand things over to Him. Alone I can make a mess of things, but with his help, he makes rough waters smooth and calms my fears. I am still afraid, I do still have insecurities but I have to remember that I am not in charge. I just need to be thankful for the blessings that I have in my life and leave the rest in His hands.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for adoption. This past weekend was the National FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) conference. I have not been looking forward to it the entire time. In fact I finally registered so late that I bought RIGHT before ticket sales closed. Literally days before the conference began.

I am so thankful that because of the blessings of adoption I am able to be a mother, something I wondered if I would ever become. As we started the adoption process they said that we would gain a testimony of adoption. I thought that sounded so strange, but I have truly gained a testimony of adoption. I know that Roman was supposed to be a part of our family. We were just extra blessed because we gained more than just a child. We were blessed with an amazing birthmother as well.

Not only have we been blessed by having Roman enter our home, but we have been blessed by the failed adoptions too. I know that may sound even more kooky than the testimony of adoption but it's true. I don't think ever allowing your heart to open up and love another human being is ever bad for you. Sure it opens your heart up for hurt at times, but it also helps it to grow. Our hearts truly have grown through this process.

I have seen the blessings that adoption has brought to so many families. Families that are now eternal families. I have seen how adoption has not only blessed our family, but it has changed me in a real and profound way. I have learned that I have to think of others before myself, not just because I have a child, but because I realized that during those last few weeks before Roman was born we really learned that we had to love Katie, before ourselves, before Roman, before anything else, Katie was the most important person (She is still right up there!). If we hadn't realized that, I don't know if we would have the relationship with Katie that we have.

I am so thankful that we have an open adoption. We had the opportunity to have Katie stay with us for the weekend to go to the conference also. What an incredible blessing. It opened my eyes to hear all the stories and experiences. I realized that every single adoption is different, every experience is different but there is strength in numbers. Just to have the opportunity to talk to other birthmothers, to hear their testimonies was amazing. To hear birthfathers talk about their love for their children was inspiring. And to hear about these families that have gone out and opened the community and the worlds eyes to adoption. I hope they are able to continue to put adoption in a positive light.

Adoption is amazing, it really is about love!

Thankful Thursday

I have been thinking a lot about what I wanted to post as my very first Thankful Thursday. I decided that I should start with the person who I am most thankful for. My best friend, the most amazing daddy, my Spencer. He is a funny, passionate, loving person who I don't know what I would ever do without.

I am so thankful for him for so many reasons. As I mentioned he is my best friend. We have now known each other over 12 years. I can talk to him about anything, everything. Some of my favorite nights are the nights that we just lay in bed in the dark talking. Talking about anything, everything. Or on a road trip, or a walk, when we just have the deep long talks. Talks about everything that is on our minds.

He is such a great daddy. Roman runs squealing when he hears the door open when Daddy gets home. He loves that boy more than anything, and Roman loves his daddy just as much. There is nothing better than watching them wrestling on the floor or sitting on the couch watching a movie together.

I am so thankful that Spencer took the time to find a career that he loves. Most people would not love to do what he does, He loves what he does and that is huge. I am so thankful that he took the time to finish school.

I am eternally thankful that he honors his priesthood and that we have a worthy priesthood holder in our home. I am thankful that I am able to spend eternity with him!

Just a few amazing stories about Spencer, just to show you why I am so thankful for him. This first story I don't share very often. When we were first struggling with infertility, fertility treatments, diagnosis it really took a toll on our relationship. Anyone who has ever taken fertility drugs understands, they are such a hormonal hell. When we finally found answers as to why we were unable to get/stay pregnant I was DEVASTATED to say the least. The problems were 100% me which is hard to hear. I told Spencer that if he wanted out I understood, we had been through so much I would have completely understood if he has said goodbye. Instead he showed me what unconditional love was. He told me he hadn't married me for the children we would have, sure he wanted kids but he married me for me. He showed me that our love was eternal that the obstacles thrown at us wouldn't break us.

Spencer has always been good at sweet surprises. One year for Christmas he filled my stocking with a dozen red roses. Christmas morning is always fill of such suspense, but nothing brings a smile to a girls face quicker than flowers, what a perfect way to start Christmas morning!

There are millions of sweet stories I could share about my sweetheart. I am so thankful that I found my best friend, and have had 8 great years with him so far, I can't wait for the next 80 (and eternity for that matter!)!

Remembering the good

This year I have let myself get into a little bit of a rut, a pity party of sorts. I am not going to lie, this has been a rough year. Things happen, life doesn't always go as planned, but that doesn't mean that the world is against me.

Last night we drove home from California where we went for a memorial service for Spencer's cousin's husband. The memorial was in the late afternoon so by the time we got on the road to head home it was getting late. Spencer started out driving and I slept then it was my turn to drive.

I drove for about 4 hours in silence while Spencer slept quietly next to me and Roman was asleep in the back seat. The quiet time driving gave me a chance to think. I started out thinking of Spencer's cousin, Liz. She said something that made me so sad for her, she said "Oh sure, I just need to find a new life, the old one was too good anyway." My heart just broke for her. I can't imagine losing my husband at 26 years old, they have a sweet little girl who lost her daddy and really doesn't understand. That was where my thoughts went next was to that sweet little girl, not quite 4 years old who doesn't really understand except that her daddy is gone.

I will admit I started having a bit of a pity party at this point. This year has by no means been a walk in the park for us, but we have had SO many blessing and for some reason I forget about the blessings when I start in on a pity party. How is it that I forget about that miracle running around my house that calls me Mommy (or mama, or occasionally Mommy Wendy)? How is it that I forget about the amazing house that we have, and the friends that we have had that have helped us to fill it with laughter? The friends who have laughed with us and cried with us?

I have decided that I am going to start posting Thankful Thursday posts. Something every Thursday I am thankful for. Heaven knows I could go on forever. I have SO much to be thankful for!

I just need to remember that there are so many good things happening in our life! They far outweigh any bad!

And as a preview, wou know what Roman is thankful for? A garden that is producing CUCUMBERS!

(Gosh I love this boy!! That smile gets me EVERY TIME!!!)

Grab a box of tissues

Okay, I don't usually watch 16 and Pregnant. I heard about last nights episode and I just had to watch it. It is about an amazing 16 yr old girl and the most supportive 17 year old boy I have ever seen. I don't know what I was thinking watching this, I know it's something that makes me very emotional. Thankfully there was a box of tissues sitting on our desk already.

This is the entire episode, it's about 40 minutes long, but absolutely AMAZING!

MTV's 16 and Pregnant - MTV Shows

I am so thankful that Catelyn and Tyler had the courage to realize that they were doing the very best thing for their baby girl. I hope they know how amazing they are!

Wanting to choose The Ones.

Where I left off telling my story, I was mentioning a certain website where I was spending a lot of my time…

I’m a researcher. I rarely had questions for my doctor because everything I wanted to know I learned myself by reading online and by getting books from the library. Many of my Google searches for various questions landed me on the same website: Babycenter. Babycenter has quite a bit of information about pregnancy, including those graphic childbirth videos that no one really wants to see. So I ended up on this site quite a bit. Wandering around on the site I found my way to the message boards. On the message boards there are groups for everything you can think of. One of these groups was the LDS board. If you haven’t figured this out already, I am LDS. So naturally I was drawn to this board out of a sense of belonging and mutual understanding. I started posting there- getting answers to questions or just chit-chatting. This was all during the time that I found myself wanting to withdraw from the “real” world, since I found it difficult to trust anyone and also because of that instinct I felt to protect myself and stay close to the nest. It was nice to be able to have so much interaction with people while still being safely and comfortably at home.

Sometime around January, 2007:

For a few months now I was engulfed big time in harsh, bitter reality and longed to see something good and miraculous happen. So I was eager to choose a family. Once I did finally break down and see a caseworker, he encouraged me to wait until I was around 6 months along to choose the family. His reasoning and explanation for that advice made perfect sense to me. But I wanted that emotional rush of finding the ones. I had already been looking at online profiles from time to time, looking for inspiration. What was I looking for?

- College degrees
- Strong testimonies of the gospel
- Intelligence
- Seriousness about the adoption process
- A glimmer, a spark: something in the eyes that speaks to me
- An appreciation for family
- A sense of understanding of my position in all this
- About one state away of distance
- That burning feeling of confirmation

I admit I remember dejectedly looking at profile after profile, clicking from one page to the next and feeling nothing. Or very little. I felt some discouragement that I didn’t seem to be able to find that last criterion- that burning feeling, the overwhelming confirmation that I had found the ones. It just wasn’t happening. I still felt strongly and confidently that adoption was right for me but I just wasn't finding that perfect fit.

So I did something that looking back, surprises me. I just picked one that I liked. Don’t get me wrong, there was nothing wrong or inferior about the couple I chose. They fit all of my criteria with the sole exception that I liked them, I just didn’t overwhelmingly love them. Though I didn’t really know that at the time because I had nothing to compare it to.

February 2007:

I emailed the couple through the LDS Family Services website (which, thank goodness has been completely re-done) and soon we were emailing back and forth, getting to know each other. If I’m remembering correctly it was after a couple weeks of emailing that I told this couple I had chosen them to adopt my baby. Emotional rush! Hooray, just what I had wanted. Yet, again, looking back it just wasn’t quite what it should have or could have been.

Then Valentine’s Day of 2007 came and shook up my whole world.

The best part

This week I have been appreciating how lucky I am to be a mom. I LOVE being a mom. Sure it's hard, sure there are things that I don't love, but I wouldn't trade those few things for all the good things.

I love sneaking in at night just to get one last peek.

I love snuggling on the couch in the mornings.

I secretly still love when he wants to sleep in my arms.

I love teaching him new things.

I love listening to him talk.

I love watching him love others. (Most especially his Daddy, his Mommy Katie, his grandparents (boy do they ever LOVE him!!!), his aunts and uncles, and his cousins)


I love playing outside with him.

I love playing inside with him when we can't play outside.

I love when he tells me something that I had no idea that he knew. (For example, yesterday he told me that Grandpa drives a dump truck. Grandpa does indeed drive a dump truck, but how the heck did he know that? Every time he puts his Legos man into the dump truck he now says it's Grandpa.)

I love that he loves me!

I love when he says words wrong (Like Uncle Semen) but he is trying so hard.

I love that he addresses everyone by name.

Most of all, I just plain love him and I love being a mom!