Remember

Today, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant loss day. 8 years ago this past Monday, October 11, 2001 we said goodbye to our first angel. Instead of Thankful Thursday today I wanted to tell you a little about our life these past 8 years.

For about 5 of those years I was terribly ashamed. I felt somehow responsible, and so deeply saddened by our losses I couldn't even bring myself to talk about it. Now, 8 years later, it has changed who I am. I have mentioned so many things that I am thankful for already in my Thankful Thursday posts that relate to this. I am a woman with an amazing husband, an adorable son, and a life.

I have struggled with infertility, I still do, it's not something that goes away, it's not something that is "cured" by adoption. In our adoption education classes one of the case workers said "Adoption doesn't cure infertility, it corrects childlessness. You need to find your own closure to infertility." I still have times that I am angry, sad, and just don't understand; things are not always easy.

Because of these struggles I have become friend with two groups of friends who have helped me more then I can ever express. I talked about them a few weeks ago. Unfortunately the first group is spending tonight thinking of their little ones that left too soon also.

I am a woman who is very thankful for the angels that we have, and I am thankful for the one I have to snuggle here tonight. We have been blessed through our trials. Everyone has trials, and we don't get to chose what they are. I will be thinking of all our angels tonight. And all the angel babies that left too soon.

An entertaining discovery

While cleaning up the computer I just came across another, very entertaining discovery, but it requires a story. I fun story. The story of our engagement. I don't think I have told this story here before, and if I have, it was long ago.

Spencer came home from a mission for the LDS Church July 30, 2000. We hadn't seen each other in just over 2 years. We had written, oh man had we written! We have 2 crates full of letters to one another down in our basement. We just can't bring ourselves to get rid of them.

The first month home, we spent a whirlwind month where we spent just about every day together. We spent a few days on vacation with my family. Came home early to fly to California. Spent a week with Spencer's family then drove back to Utah for Spencer's homecoming with his parents only to turn around and drive back to California with them for the last 2 days of our time in California then we turned around and flew back home.

Spencer had everything set up to go back to school, he found a job, and he was getting back to normal life.

August 25, we planned to go hiking to Ensign Peak, but I had an emergency at work and ended up working late.

August 26, we went to the symphony under the stars, complete with 21 gun salute and a cannon accompaniment on the chorus, but it was rained out. Pouring rain. So, Spencer suggested we go out to dinner. Only problem, we were soaking wet! So we stopped by Wendy's and went through the drive-thru to get some dinner.

August 27, we were supposed to go to a missionary homecoming at Spencer's ward. Spencer didn't have a car yet so I got to his house about 10 minutes before we were supposed to be there to pick him up and he wasn't ready! How frustrating! I waited for him for about 5 minutes, his whole family left for church. I told them we would meet them there. Five more minutes and we were going to be late so I yelled down to Spencer to see if he was just about ready. He mumbled something about almost ready, just a few more minutes, something to that effect. Finally getting frustrated I went down to the front door and yelled to him that we needed to go! He finally came out and took my hand and said "Just a minute, we need to talk." So we went back upstairs and he had me sit down and he started talking.

He was telling me how we had been spending so much time since he got home, and he had really enjoyed it, but he wasn't able to focus on his schoolwork, and he was starting a job the next day. My heart started racing. He was breaking up with me! I could not believe it! I thought things had been going so well, where had I gone wrong? I was having a hard time focusing on what he was saying because I was just in shock. The shock increased when I realized that he was now down on one knee in front of the chair I was sitting on. Now my heart was really racing, I was so confused. What's going on?? Then he said the four words any woman in love wants to hear "Will you marry me?" I don't think it even took me a minute to answer. I think I said yes more than once. I remember hugging, and kissing.

Once we finally got out the door Spencer had just one request. He asked that I not tell anyone until after he spoke in my ward that day. He didn't want my dad glaring at him while he spoke. So the entire time he was speaking, I sat at the end of the row doodling on a piece of paper. As he finished I finally passed the paper down the row to my mom then told her after she saw it she could show it to the others.

The outside...

The inside.

(edited to removed my maiden name and my married name that I had in parenthesis on the bottom)

Directly following Spencer's talk (I couldn't tell you a single word that he said) there was a bagpiper playing. One of my parents neighbors said we were so loud that she could hear us over the bagpipers.

Spencer had tried to propose at sunset on Ensign Peak, at the orchestra under the stars and he just couldn't wait another week. I love our engagement story. I love all the failed attempts. I love my husband!

Revisiting Emotions

Every once in a while things will jump up and just out of no where remind me of the struggles that we have gone through. For the most part until I started this blog I was very private about everything. It has been very empowering to be able to open up about everything but I still have these occasional shocking reminders that are just hard to handle at times.

This week I have been working on moving everything from our computer to my external hard drive. This means that I have to look at old files to see if they are worth keeping. I came across an old file labeled "Journal Entry." From March 11, 2004, a few weeks after my second miscarriage. I relived the pain of that time reading the struggles that we were having. INFERTILITY SUCKS! Seriously. My heart is so heavy remembering all the hurt that I felt. I still feel it at times. I am so very thankful for the Miracle of Adoption. It has healed some of the pain.

Here were my thoughts in March, 2004.

March 11, 2004


There are so many things in my mind, I can’t sleep, so I wanted to try to get them out of my head. Recently we have had to make some very thought provoking decisions. Three weeks ago we had our second miscarriage. Until you have gone through that experience, you have no idea what a great loss it is. I used to hear people talk of Miscarriage, and I didn’t think much of it. Well, we want to have a child so badly, but the Dr is saying that we should wait at least 9 months before we try again. The last time that I had a miscarriage, I had such a hard time emotionally. This time has been better, I have been able to think things through, and I think maybe she is right. Maybe it would be better for us emotionally and physically for us to wait.

I talked to Spencer about this tonight and we have different takes on this. He doesn’t want to do anything to prevent it from happening, but I think it would be nice to have a summer without the stress of worrying if I was pregnant or not every time we go out on the boat or 4 wheelers. It’s just not something that I can express to him. But at the same time, I can understand where he is coming from, because just 2 days ago, I felt the same way. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, that I didn’t want to take her advice. Now that I’ve had a few days to think things through, I think the summer would be so good for us. Have a little us time. We can’t even commit to things a month away right now for fear that I might be pregnant, and it would change our plans.

I want to be able to plan at least for a few weeks, without the fear that something will change, and I will have to cancel, because then every time, I am just left disappointed. I hate feeling that every month. Wondering every month if I am pregnant, and almost crying every month that I am not. I wish there were some way that I could give Spencer a normal life.

I just wish there were some medical miracle that they would find that would solve all the problems that I am currently faced with, and make it so that we can have the family that we so desperately desire.

I truly believe that things happen for a reason, and that we are not tested beyond what we can take, but sometimes I wonder if the reason is that I am not a fit mother, or if it is that I am not able to withstand all that is being thrown at me right now. I know that I need to start doing more. There are a lot of things that I think, if I just improve on this, then we will be able to have children. The thing that keeps me from doing it is that I know that even if I start doing all these things that I am falling short on, it won’t change that I have poly-cystic ovary syndrome. It won’t change that I have had 2 miscarriage, and feel so lost about both of them, and it won’t change that I feel like there is a wedge being driven between me and Spencer, called Infertility. I haven’t even told pretty much anyone about this miscarriage because they didn’t know I was pregnant, and I am afraid to hear what they have to say.

I am still young, I know that, I am only 25 years old, but in Utah, that’s old to not have any kids yet. Everyone looks at you and wonders why you don’t already have 2 or 3 by 25. At least that’s the way I feel. I feel like I am justifying myself to everyone. “Oh, I have a career” “Once Spencer is out of school we’ll have kids” But really what I am saying is “Who knows if we will ever have kids, but this gives me a few more years before they ask again.” I heard a story recently of a family who couldn’t have children, and they had been married for 5 years or so, and bought a new car, and were told by people how selfish they were to spend their money on a new car instead of starting a family. I wonder if people think the same thing of us. How selfish of them, to go out and buy a new car, do all these expensive things, yet they don’t start a family.

I know most of this is just things that I can’t stop fretting about, but it helps to get them out of my head, and into word form so that I can see how silly my fears and how petty my worries are. I just want these things so much, but I also know that I need to recover emotionally so that I can get my head back on my shoulders to move on. I need to deal with things without ignoring it.

Thankful Thursday - Professionals

Today I am so thankful for Professionals. These amazing people who find something they love and make life easier for the rest of us. I for one, would never claim to be good at many things. I know I am not a contractor, I am not a plumber, electrician, framer, roofer, I will dabble in home repairs if they are minor, but I have learned I have limits. I mean I can replace a flapper, even a toilet, but when it comes to a leak, I am useless.

This week I have been overwhelmed by a number of projects that I just didn't know how to handle. The last straw was this morning when the rain is pounding I start to hear a "drip, drip, drip, drip" in my bedroom. I didn't know what to do. I certainly don't know how to fix a roof, I don't even know where to start. (I mean I know you get on the roof, but how do I know where to look for a leak?) My wonderful, sweet husband can help when it comes to numbers. Sprinklers he can do, but roofs are beyond his area of expertise too.

It made me realize, Spencer spent 6 years going to school so that he could do accounting. I had to go to school for 2000 hours to be able to do hair. If you came to me with a hair emergency, that I could handle. If you presented Spencer with a tax problem, he could work with that, so we needed someone who understood exactly what it took to fix a roof.

Thankfully there are some amazingly talented people out there who know about roofs. We found one such person who was willing to come and within minutes he had the drip located and stopped.

I have learned that there are people who have special talents and skills, and everyone has different interests. This is a very good thing. If we all liked the same things, we would all be in trouble. I am so very thankful that there was someone who could help me with my problem today.

Stay with me

Lately I find myself humming songs, (sometimes I find myself singing out which is not pretty!) and if I am not humming they are definitely running through my head. Songs I haven't heard in years. I find so much solace in their lyrics. Today as I was cleaning the house I had a song I probably haven't heard it 10+ years running through my head. I had to find the lyrics online and when I found them the song was even better. There were only small parts, snippits running through my head. I love songs, they always say so well the things that you feel, even feelings that you didn't know were there you hear them and you think "How did you know that was exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment?"

Stay with Me

By - Michael McLean

Every story has an ending
Even when it can’t be told
And every broken heart starts mending
When it finds shelter from the cold.
I’ve heard a window always opens
When the doors have all been closed
And though I know it’s true
I need my light to see me through
And Lord I need you to

Stay with me
Just until my heart recovers
Stay with me
It’s a lonely thing to suffer
Tell my how the heartache I feel now will go away
Someday
Maybe we just might find the answer
that will carry me
like an awkward dancer on a crowded floor
I’ll learn to dance once more
Someday
If you just stay

Isn't that perfect? I think everyone has something they can apply this too. Everyone has had heartache, everyone has had struggles, and we all have times that we need to be carried. I am so thankful there are these amazing lyricists and authors who can express the feelings that we have all felt.

The Test

Today I have had this song in my head all day.

The Test

Janice Kapp Perry

Tell me friend, why are you blind?
Why doesn’t he who works the miracles send light into your eyes?
Tell me friend, if you understand, why doesn’t He with power to raise
the dead just make you whole again?
It would be so easy for Him.
I watch you and in sorrow and question why.
And you my friend in perfect faith reply.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

Tell me friend, I see your pain.
Why when you pray in faith for healing,
does the crippling thorn remain?
Help me see, if you understand, why doesn’t he who healed
the lame man come with healing in his wings.
It would be so easy for Him.
I watch you and in sorrow question why?
And you my friend, in perfect faith reply.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

Tell me now, why must you die?
Why must your loved ones stand with empty arms,
and ask the question why?
Help me know, so I can go on.
How when your love and faith sustained me,
can the precious gift be gone?
From the depths of sorrow I cry,
though pains of grief within my soul arrive.
The whisperings of the Spirit still my cry.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

Thankful Thursday

I realized this blog has turned into a Thankful Thursday blog, so I need to start posting other than on Thursdays. This doesn't help today though, because once again it's Thursday.

Last week I was starting to fall into the rut again and starting to wonder what I had to be thankful for. I always want to have something huge and important to be thankful for, but the fact of the matter is that it's the little things that really add up and make all the big things possible.

About a month ago our family started having Family Home Evenings. Family Home Evenings are Monday nights, they are encouraged by our church as a time for families to study the gospel together and to do other activities that strengthen the family spiritually, create family memories, and increase unity and love.

We decided that we wanted to start simple, the first week we went to the park with a pizza and a simple children's book that we have with scripture stories to share with Roman. It was so much fun. I realized what we have been missing out on by not having Family Home Evenings all along. I was worried that Roman was too young, that he wouldn't understand, that I wouldn't know what to do. So many worries but they were all unfounded. So far they have all been simple but what a fun time for us to spend together as a family. I look forward to many years of fun family nights on Monday nights. I love spending time together as a family, and I love the closeness that it brings to our family.

I am so thankful that we are taking the time now to start this so that when Roman gets older it's not something we have to find a time for, it's already there, and it's GREAT!

Thankful Thursday

Today I wanted to thank 2 special groups of friends.

The first I found about 6 1/2 years ago after our second miscarriage. I was dealing with so many emotions and really didn't know where to turn. That's when I found the Multiple Miscarriage group on Babycenter. It helped so much to have someone to talk to who understood what we were going through at the time. I don't know them in real life but consider them some of my best friends because they have been there with us through so much. Even now they are just so understanding and just get it. They are there when I need advice, to just vent, or to just be silly with.

The second group I found about 6 months later, also on Babycenter. It was on the LDS Families board. It was a group for women, LDS Women who have struggled with infertility. Again, it was nice to find a group who understood and have been there for us. Because a few live nearby (and a few have been here to visit) we have had a chance to get to know a number of these woman. I love them all so much.

It has been a miracle to watch these woman (from both groups) go on to have families, through all different resources.

I am so thankful for the love and support that they have shown us. I am thankful for the friendships we have formed, and I am thankful that I have the opportunity to call these women my friends!

Running the race

I have never been a runner, but for some reason lately with everyone talking about the races they are preparing for I have been thinking a lot about running. Even considering it, which is huge for me, believe me.

I have been starting to think of my life as a race.

A marathon if you will.

You run and run and put everything you can into it. Then you get that little surge, you remember why you are doing this, how exciting it is, and just when you think you can't give anything more, you see the finish line. You start running harder, faster.

Finally you get to the line, exhausted but so happy that you made it. Then you find out that you are not actually at the end. This is a two lap race. It seems like the cruelest joke. You want to just sit down and cry. But you HAVE to finish.

You start to become a little resentful, why would they do that to do? Why wouldn't they tell you in the beginning that you have a second lap? You aren't angry at anyone in particular just the situation. You still love the journey, you are still glad that you are on it, and when you see the finish line the second time, it is that much more amazing because you didn't know if you could make it, and there you are standing there, basking in the glory of completing something so important to you.

I hope that I feel that way when we reach the finish line.

I have had more than once that I have wanted to sit down and say "I'm done, I give up." I wish that there weren't so many trees and I could see the end now, it would make it so much easier to keep going.

I know though that there is a finish line, the race is just a little longer than I expected, but we just have to keep going.

The perfect gift

Have you ever received a gift that you have always wanted but never knew. I got just that gift today. A couple weeks ago Katie told me she was working on a surprise, a huge surprise. She kept giving me clues but I had no idea, NO IDEA what it was. I started thinking of things, but this exceeded my wildest dreams.

Katie told me yesterday that it should be here today. I was seriously SO EXCITED when I heard the doorbell ring. I tore open the package and found the most amazing book. Not just any book, a book with all the e-mails that Katie and I sent to each other from the very first e-mail until our sealing.

It is probably one of the most amazing gifts. I spent hours today re-reading e-mails. So many things I had forgotten. I forgot how easy our e-mails were, literally from the very first e-mail. I forgot how much fun we had writing e-mails. I forgot how nervous I was and how amazing Katie was at reassuring us from the very beginning. I also forgot how hard it was when Roman was a newborn. I forgot how many e-mails we had sent. The book is almost 300 pages (I have read over 200 so far) and the last page is my very favorite.

It says:
"This book contains our beginning

But there really is no end, when an eternal family is made.

Let's hope friendships are also eternal. If so we've got many more letters to come . . .

August 15, 2009
Katie"

This was the perfect gift! I honestly love it. It is so special to me now, and I can't wait until Roman is old enough and I hope it is just as special to him. Thank you Katie, you are amazing! It's the perfect gift I never knew I always wanted!

Thankful Thursday - A day late

Yesterday was crazy, today will be too, but before the craziness gets out of hand I wanted to make sure I took a little time to remember something else that I have to be thankful for.

Today I am thankful for sisters. Today is my sister Marla's birthday so I thought it would be fitting to talk about my sisters.

(My sister Marla)

Growing up it was fun with 5 girls in the house (There is one brother too, but I thought I would just talk about my sisters today). Just imagine, before my parents added on to their house, we had 4 bedrooms and 1 and 1/2 bathrooms. Before the addition we always had to share a bedroom and I think that is part of why we are so close. When I was 13 my parents added on to their house adding another bathroom, a bigger family room, turned the one family room into bedrooms, just making it more usable for a big family.

(My family 1988)

My sisters are some of my best friends. Like I mentioned today is Marla's birthday, she is turning 22. She is my baby sister and you would think that being so much younger we wouldn't be as close. Untrue, we have always been close. I remember I think it was her 8th birthday I picked her up from elementary school and we went to the dollar theater to see "While you were Sleeping." We are still very close, we are actually going to the zoo today for her birthday!

(Me, Brenda and Marla - San Diego 2002)

My older sister, Janeene and I worked together at Shopko for a few years when we were in high school. We were frequently mistaken for twins (which is funny because I don't think we look that much alike!) Janeene is always so busy we don't get to go do things with her family much but Roman loves her little boy Jaren because he is the only male cousin on my side of the family. Janeene seriously does everything, primary president, works full time, 3 kids (this is an old picture, she has another daughter) I honestly don't know how she keeps up with everything. She is amazing!

(Janeene and her family 2007)

I am the second in my family.

My sister just younger than me, Becky is probably the person I talk to the most aside from Spencer. Becky has 2 little girls that Roman thinks should be here every day. Becky and I have been very close almost our entire lives. In high school we were ALWAYS mistaken for twins, and still occasionally get that. One of my neighbors actually came up and talked to Becky about some work they were having done in their yard thinking it was me! In high school we had one class together and everyone was convinced we were twins. We had one friend in the class that knew that we weren't and we told him to tell everyone we were just sisters, instead he said "Yeah, they're twins." For Becky's 18th birthday we decided to go to Disneyland, just the two of us. It was such a fun trip. Even now, we do so many things with Becky and her girls, we are going to miss them so much when they move to Hawaii!!!!

(Becky and her family 2007)

My last sister (to mention, she isn't the youngest, but I already talked about Marla because it was her birthday) is Brenda. Brenda is also a dental assistant and for about 2 years we worked together in the pediatric dental office. We would drive to work together which gave us a chance to talk every day (at least every day that we worked.) Now that I am not working she is actually working at an office right by our house and she will call me to see if we have had lunch yet and if we want to have lunch with her. Usually this means that she just brings lunch to me while Roman is sleeping. It's always a nice treat to have lunch with a sister though.

I am so thankful that I have a big family with so many sisters. We always used to say that there are enough that if you are fighting with one there is always someone else to play with. Now it's pretty much just that there is always someone to play with (and to help with things, and to talk to)

(This is my entire family minus one brother-in-law July 2009)

(This is the entire family 2007, missing one new niece who was born in November 2008)

Thankful Thursday

I almost forgot that it was Thursday!

I have been working on turning Roman's blog from his second year into a book. It has given me a chance to remember all the amazing things that we have done in the past year. I look at pictures from just one year ago and I forget how little he was and how much he has learned and grown up this past year.

So today I am thankful for Roman.

I am thankful for the opportunity I have to be his mommy. I am thankful for the light he brings to my days. I know I was thankful for him last week too (with adoption) but I decided I wanted to still take the time today to talk just about him.

I am thankful for his inquisitive nature, and for the opportunity he gives me to grow by teaching him. I am thankful for the hugs he gives me just when I need them. I am thankful that he has started throwing his arms around my neck and telling me he loves me.

The biggest thing I am thankful for today, Roman learned to spell his first word. Oh I could just about burst with pride. My cute little boy's first word that he can spell is M-O-M! He knows the beginning of his name because it's similar to Mom, and he knows that his name starts with an R.

What blessings he brings to our family. I can not thank Heavenly Father enough for bringing him to our family. He is my sunshine.

More thoughts on Thankful Thursday

I was doing my hair in a quiet house as Roman sleeps. I was thinking about all the things that I want to be thankful for in my Thankful Thursday post. I realized there are so many things that I take for granted as I look at others and think of everything I don't have.

Sometimes I think we get to a point that we forget that we have blessings because we start to take them for granted. I always dismiss that I have a nice house because we have worked so hard and there were so many circumstances that fell into place. We are still working to make it nice, I forget to be thankful that we have a house. I forget to be thankful that I am able to be a stay at home mom. I do take it for granted. I forget that we have been able to take some amazing trips because it has become part of our life.

I find myself instead looking at others thinking "sure I might have an okay house, but look they have five beautiful children, why couldn't I be blessed with over fertility." Or "Sure we have Roman and he's smart, but he sure is a handful." He is a handful, but I wouldn't want him any other way. We do have a nice house, and if we hadn't struggled with fertility issues we wouldn't be where we are today.

I am learning more and more how far from perfect I am, I do covet others, and I truly am working on it. I am trying to be thankful for what I have, that is the exact reason I started my Thankful Thursdays, more for me than for anyone else. We do have a good life, and just because our life is not exactly as we would have planned it, and there are things that we have done that are not perfect, we do have a good life.

As I mentioned last week, I have one of the most amazing husbands in the world (at least I think he is!). As I mentioned today, we have a beautiful, beautiful, smart, amazing, funny little boy. We have his mommy Katie who has been a huge part of our family. And as I mentioned earlier, those failed adoptions are still helping to make me a better person. I am far from perfect, and I still struggle. It's hard to accept struggling to get pregnant, then to stay pregnant, then moving on to adopt. It does take a toll on you. I think one of the lessons Heavenly Father is trying to teach me is that he is in charge, he does have a plan, even if it's not MY plans. I just need to hand things over to Him. Alone I can make a mess of things, but with his help, he makes rough waters smooth and calms my fears. I am still afraid, I do still have insecurities but I have to remember that I am not in charge. I just need to be thankful for the blessings that I have in my life and leave the rest in His hands.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for adoption. This past weekend was the National FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) conference. I have not been looking forward to it the entire time. In fact I finally registered so late that I bought RIGHT before ticket sales closed. Literally days before the conference began.

I am so thankful that because of the blessings of adoption I am able to be a mother, something I wondered if I would ever become. As we started the adoption process they said that we would gain a testimony of adoption. I thought that sounded so strange, but I have truly gained a testimony of adoption. I know that Roman was supposed to be a part of our family. We were just extra blessed because we gained more than just a child. We were blessed with an amazing birthmother as well.

Not only have we been blessed by having Roman enter our home, but we have been blessed by the failed adoptions too. I know that may sound even more kooky than the testimony of adoption but it's true. I don't think ever allowing your heart to open up and love another human being is ever bad for you. Sure it opens your heart up for hurt at times, but it also helps it to grow. Our hearts truly have grown through this process.

I have seen the blessings that adoption has brought to so many families. Families that are now eternal families. I have seen how adoption has not only blessed our family, but it has changed me in a real and profound way. I have learned that I have to think of others before myself, not just because I have a child, but because I realized that during those last few weeks before Roman was born we really learned that we had to love Katie, before ourselves, before Roman, before anything else, Katie was the most important person (She is still right up there!). If we hadn't realized that, I don't know if we would have the relationship with Katie that we have.

I am so thankful that we have an open adoption. We had the opportunity to have Katie stay with us for the weekend to go to the conference also. What an incredible blessing. It opened my eyes to hear all the stories and experiences. I realized that every single adoption is different, every experience is different but there is strength in numbers. Just to have the opportunity to talk to other birthmothers, to hear their testimonies was amazing. To hear birthfathers talk about their love for their children was inspiring. And to hear about these families that have gone out and opened the community and the worlds eyes to adoption. I hope they are able to continue to put adoption in a positive light.

Adoption is amazing, it really is about love!

Thankful Thursday

I have been thinking a lot about what I wanted to post as my very first Thankful Thursday. I decided that I should start with the person who I am most thankful for. My best friend, the most amazing daddy, my Spencer. He is a funny, passionate, loving person who I don't know what I would ever do without.

I am so thankful for him for so many reasons. As I mentioned he is my best friend. We have now known each other over 12 years. I can talk to him about anything, everything. Some of my favorite nights are the nights that we just lay in bed in the dark talking. Talking about anything, everything. Or on a road trip, or a walk, when we just have the deep long talks. Talks about everything that is on our minds.

He is such a great daddy. Roman runs squealing when he hears the door open when Daddy gets home. He loves that boy more than anything, and Roman loves his daddy just as much. There is nothing better than watching them wrestling on the floor or sitting on the couch watching a movie together.

I am so thankful that Spencer took the time to find a career that he loves. Most people would not love to do what he does, He loves what he does and that is huge. I am so thankful that he took the time to finish school.

I am eternally thankful that he honors his priesthood and that we have a worthy priesthood holder in our home. I am thankful that I am able to spend eternity with him!

Just a few amazing stories about Spencer, just to show you why I am so thankful for him. This first story I don't share very often. When we were first struggling with infertility, fertility treatments, diagnosis it really took a toll on our relationship. Anyone who has ever taken fertility drugs understands, they are such a hormonal hell. When we finally found answers as to why we were unable to get/stay pregnant I was DEVASTATED to say the least. The problems were 100% me which is hard to hear. I told Spencer that if he wanted out I understood, we had been through so much I would have completely understood if he has said goodbye. Instead he showed me what unconditional love was. He told me he hadn't married me for the children we would have, sure he wanted kids but he married me for me. He showed me that our love was eternal that the obstacles thrown at us wouldn't break us.

Spencer has always been good at sweet surprises. One year for Christmas he filled my stocking with a dozen red roses. Christmas morning is always fill of such suspense, but nothing brings a smile to a girls face quicker than flowers, what a perfect way to start Christmas morning!

There are millions of sweet stories I could share about my sweetheart. I am so thankful that I found my best friend, and have had 8 great years with him so far, I can't wait for the next 80 (and eternity for that matter!)!