Expecting the unexpected part 2

As I mentioned before, I have come to think of 2009 as the year that we learned to expect the unexpected. As the year was drawing to a close, I think we were given the most unexpected surprise....we were expecting. I found out on November 13 that we were once again expecting a child, but this time it was not through adoption. We have been there before. We know what can happen, and we know that my uterus just isn't happy with the idea. Even with all the fears in the back of our mind, we couldn't help but be cautiously optimistic, happy, scared, all at once. We might really have another baby. It just seemed so surreal.

After processing the entire thing for about an hour I immediately got on the phone with our doctors office, explained the situation and they were willing to get me in that afternoon for a blood draw to check my HCG (hormone) level to see approximately how far along I was. After talking to the doctors office I called Spencer and told him that I needed him to come home from work a little early if possible because I had a doctors appointment that I needed to go to. He asked if anything was wrong and I told him that I really hoped not...

That night we talked and I told Spencer that I didn't want to worry about everything this time, I wanted to enjoy every second that we had, and that I just needed to relax. On Monday the doctors office called back to say that my HCG numbers looked really good and they wanted to get me in for an ultrasound to try to verify how far I was. I was nervous, but so excited. They were able to get me in that afternoon for an Ultrasound. I went to the appointment and the ultrasound tech said I was 5 weeks 6 days pregnant. Everything looked really good. I was flying high. The next day I wasn't feeling very well, and after a much longer shopping trip then I initially expected I started bleeding. I told myself to relax, sit down, things would be okay. By the next day (our anniversary) things were looking much worse. I was resigned to the fact that once again we were not going to be able to carry to term. I thought I was doing so well at being calm, but at that moment all that went out the window. I was talking to the doctors office almost every day. Things just felt like they were going from bad to worse.

I went back in for another ultrasound a week later and we started our mixed bag visits. The good news, things were looking good, they couldn't see where the bleed was coming from, but they found a heart beat. The bad, they had calculated how far along I was wrong the previous week, she went back to the previous ultrasounds and remeasured and because it was so early it was easy to be off, I had only been 5 weeks before, I was now only 6 weeks 1 day. I lost almost an entire week. So we scheduled an appointment for a week later to make sure that things were still looking okay. Plus, they wanted to see a heartbeat that was 120 or higher, and it was only about 115. Not huge, but worrysome.

It was another nervewracking week. Thankfully we had Thanksgiving and a very short trip to see Mommy Katie as a much needed distraction. We went back in and once again, mixed bag. The heatbeat had increased. It was now where it should be, growth was right on target, but they found a uterun septum that they didn't know I had before (See what I mean, every appointment was a mixed bag?)

At that point because things were going well they said that I didn't need another ultrasound so my next appointment would be my "First" OB visit. I had almost a week to enjoy that high and that weekend things went from bad to worst. I was 100% sure that I had miscarried. To spare you the details it was awful. It was a Saturday night, I didn't know what to do. By Sunday morning I had calmed down some and I called the oncall number for my doctors office. I am so thankful that I did. My doctor was on call. (He is fabulous by the way) He said that if I went to the emergency room they would just call him because he was the doctor on call, that he had better equipment at this office, so if I would like he would meet me there. We got there and he once again did an ultrasound. Somehow, someway, we had not lost it. I was in total shock. It did not seem possible. That didn't mean that we were out of the woods though. I had a subchronic hemorrhage. So rather then waiting for a regular doctors visit, we were able to have another ultrasound. We went at the end of the week and again there was good and bad. We started preparing ourselves for both. The baby was still growing, but unfortunately, so was the blood clot.

Finally, at my "First ob visit" on December 28 we got almost all good news. Things were looking good, we didn't do an ultrasound at that appointment, but he was happy with how things were going. He was able to find the heartbeat via doppler (which he said was a good sign) and it was nice and steady at 167 bpm. I was ALMOST out of the first trimester, and he said if we made it to the next appointment then the risk of miscarriage decreased significantly. He wasn't too worried by this point, but I was. Plus add to that, now instead of going once a week, or every 2 weeks max, we were now spacing the appointments out 3 weeks.

So I had 3 rather nervewracking weeks wondering what was going on in there and finally January 20 arrived. It seemed like it was just crawling then all of a sudden it was here. The good thing about having more time between appointments is that it makes the time go by faster, the bad is the wondering, worrying, not knowing.

As I mentioned before my doctor is fabulous. I went to my appointment, told him all my worries and he took the time to even draw out what we were looking at so that I could understand. He once again found a nice steady heartbeat 150 bpm, I was measuring right on target, he said that if he had a gold star he would have given me one things just looked perfect. At the end when I was still just a nervous wreck he offered to squeeze me in for another ultrasound. I was so relieved. I don't want to seem needy, but I am. I am always so worried.

The ultrasound tech was fabulous too, she not only checked my uterus and to make sure the bleed was resolving/resolved (almost resolved, less then 1 cm now YAY) she also took the time to show me hands, feet, legs, kidneys, a heart, brain, a few cute profile views, it made me feel so much better every time she did a measurement and would say that things were still right in line with my due date.

I don't think we'll feel completely at ease until he is here safe and sound, but this has been the most unexpected blessing. Still praying every day, but thanking Heavenly Father every day for this amazing unexpected blessing.

One good deed

With the beginning of a new year I started thinking...do I want to attempt to make a resolution? Inevitably one that I probably won't keep. I thought about the usual resolutions. To be more organized, to lose weight, to keep my house clean. I knew that I would not keep any of these. I really want to be more organized, I do, but I have a wonderful 2 year old who helps me give up on that goal quickly. He can unorganized things twice as fast as I can organize them. Then the fall back lose weight resolution...almost all of us could benefit from that, but I knew this year that just isn't in the cards for me.

I had pretty much decided that I was going to resolve not to set a New Years resolution this year. Then a few nights ago I spent an evening out with my sweet boy and my dear husband celebrating the day our family became a forever family. After spending some time at the temple grounds together we went to IHOP for dinner. The same IHOP that Roman and I visited a few months ago and had a humbling experience. As I sat there eating dinner with my family I thought about the one nice thing or if you will the one good deed I did that day that really changed my outlook that day. I decided then and there on a New Years resolution. I decided to do one good deed a day. I got a little worried though. There are so many days I don't even leave the house. At that time the words to the song "have I done any good in the world today" came into my mind.

Have I done any good in the world today?
Have I helped anyone in need?
Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?
If not, I have failed indeed.
Has anyone’s burden been lighter today
Because I was willing to share?
Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?
When they needed my help was I there?

I realized I don't need to leave the house to do something nice. One day I sent a few friends emails or messages just telling them how they inspire me. yesterday as I was in my car I decided to let's cars in front of me, and I was just trying to be a more curtious driver. Did I make a difference in the world by letting another driver go in front of me? Probably not. Did I make a difference in my life? I hope so.

Expecting the unexpected

As this year is drawing to an end I can't help but think over the past year. I think that the thing that I have learned more than anything this year is that we need to expect the unexpected. The year started and appears that it will end with this common theme.


We began 2009 in California, on a very unexpected trip. A few days before Christmas Spencer's grandma was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The doctors originally said that without treatment she had three to six months to live. This diagnosis came on December 19. We decided that we would leave the day after Christmas so that we had one last visit with her. We were in California until January 3, because we couldn't bring ourselves to leave, we didn't want to say goodbye. We finally made the trip back to Utah and just three days later she passed away.


Also right before Christmas last year, we moved out of our house, we had an offer on a house, but it was taking longer then expected. Every week we would think, this has to be the week, we will definitely hear this week. Finally, at the end of March we finally had our house.


We were finally getting settled in our house and we were contacted by a potential birth mom who was about to give birth. Again, unexpected, but so exciting. We quickly made arrangement and were preparing for a second child. We made the trip, and once again the unexpected, there were too many obstacles, and the adoption did not go through.

After that, I really started to think we were having a bad year. Things were not going the way we had planned at all...that is when I started my Thankful Thursday posts. I have been horrible about posting at all lately which I apologize for. I realized that we have so much to be thankful for. Just because things didn't happen the way we planned didn't mean that they weren't okay (even good). I am so glad that I did those posts for the few weeks that I did. It made me think every week about what blessings we do have in our lives.

I think I will always remember 2009 as the year that we learned to expect the unexpected...

(to be continued)

Random acts of kindness

Today I was having a kind of feel sorry for myself for no real reason, kind of short tempered, don't really want to face anything kind of day. I took my sister and her girls to the airport then went to Spencer's office so Roman could see Daddy for a few minutes. He loves going to Daddy's office, and we hadn't been since Halloween. So we were there for a few minutes then we decided to stop for breakfast on our way home. Never mind that it was already 11:00 am.

We got to IHOP and I was still in a bit of a nasty mood. We were seated and Roman didn't want to sit still, he was all over the booth, in and out of his booster, I finally brought him to sit by me so I could keep him from falling on his head.

A few minutes after we were seated a group of high school kids came in and I was praying "Please don't put them by us, please don't put them by us." I could tell they were loud, and just high school students. They brought them to the table right by us. I tried to ignore them, but couldn't. They told the waitress about 5 times it was their friends birthday...and without trying their energy started to rub off on me. They were so excited, EVERYTHING was exciting. I overheard the following conversation "The first thing my one friend told me is, you can watch R rated movies now. I looked at him and said 'Like I need one more temptation.'" Not that R rated movies are horrible, but I gained a lot of respect for this 17 year old girl in that one sentence.

I decided at that moment that I wanted to buy her meal as a "Happy Birthday." Even though I didn't know her, or know really anything about her. I kept talking myself in and out of it as I waited for our waitress to return to our table with our check. She finally came and in a low voice I asked if I could pay for the birthday girls meal. The waitress was so sweet, she said "I know she probably won't get a chance to say this, so Thank you..." I almost started to cry. I don't know why, but it meant so much to me to be able to do this for her.

The waitress brought the check back with the additional meal on it, and we went and paid and were on our way. My heart was so full, again I was almost in tears just hoping that it would make her day a little more special. I was out fastening Roman in the car and this girl came out and said "was it you who bought my meal?" I didn't really know what to say, I had planned to be gone before she found out...I stumbled through a "Yes, I hope you have a very happy birthday." She gave me a hug and said "You just made my birthday so much better, thank you so much." I again told her Happy Birthday, got in the car, and smiled. That was just what I needed.

I came home and snuggled with my baby (he may be 2 but he's still my baby). As I type he is snoring softly in my lap. I haven't typed with him sleeping in my lap in a long time. I am so incredibly blessed.

Thankful Thursday

It's been a few weeks so I thoguht I should jump in and post again today. Today I am thankful for the internet.

I know that sounds so broad, and really...it is.

Because of the internet, and an online bullitain board, Roman's Mommy Katie found us.

Because of the internet, I can talk to my friends while still trying to keep up with a crazy, silly, amazing two year old (and he isn't destroying their houses, restaurants, etc.)

Because of the internet, when I started to panic last night that we wouldn't have anything to do this winter when it's too cold or nasty to be outside, I was able to find pages and pages of ideas of places to go and things to do indoors this winter to keep our sanity.

Because of the internet, I found the two groups of friends that I have talked about many times who have helped and supported us through the years.

Because of the internet, my two cute nieces and my sister are able to talk to their daddy/hubby who is serving overseas in the Navy.

Because of the internet, when my sister and her girls move far from us, we will be able to keep in contact with them...

Because of the internet, life will never be the same. With the touch of a few buttons you can find out the weather, local news, you can read messages from friends and family, you can talk to your friends around the corner and around the world. Any information is available at the touch of your fingers. You can watch TV shows, movies, read books, buy gifts, there are so many amazing things that the internet provides.

Have you ever been reading a book, any book really, and something just jumps out at you? Not in the context, it just really strikes YOU? That was me tonight. I couldn't sleep. Here it is almost midnight, and I am still up. This is very late for me. I was finishing a book. It was a decent book, I wanted to finish. The last chapter I started to read and about a page into it I had to stop, turn the page back and re-read a section. It was just what I needed tonight. It says:

"Life does not stop or wait even if you do. Pause if you must, but then catch up fast, run with the wind, slide down the hill tumbling headfirst so that you can fall into the hands of now -- today, every day, every minute, every second.

Of course it is also okay to hold on to your grief and ride it as if your own life depended on it through a sea of rough water, waves as high as heaven, through the thunderous barrage of emotions that are the very heart of loss -- any loss -- Love, death, job -- a slice of a segment of your life that made up the whole.

Of course they also agree - the whole damn world needs to have more fun. A hell of a lot more fun."

And with that, it's time to start having a hell of a lot more fun! (Not that we don't already, but the world needs more right?)

12 years

Here it is 10:30 pm, I should be sleeping, and I just realized that 12 years ago I was on my very first date with my amazing husband.

I knew he was amazing back then, but I didn't realize how sweet he was, how compassionate and caring he was. I didn't know that he would be my best friend (Forever) and I never would have guessed that 12 years later we would be so incredibly happy.

So, with this anniversary, I thought it would be a good time for another story. I love telling our story.

Spencer and I actually met in May 1997. I thought he was nice, a little quiet, but he was fun to be with. I met him at Lagoon (a local amusement park) when we were there for a physics Lagoon day (basically a get out of school to go play day).

We graduated from high school two weeks later and our lives went their separate ways. Our story could have ended there...but thankfully it didn't. Spencer moved to California for the summer to work and to live with his dad. He came home at the end of the summer and I ran into him at an institute activity at the U (University of Utah). My friend Andrea was with me, she was in her Senior year in high school and had a Halloween dance coming up at school. So, I helped her ask Spencer to the dance, I took a friend and we doubled.


















We had SO MUCH FUN. Spencer was so fun to be around. A few days after the dance my cousin called to see if I could/would go on a double date with her. I agreed then had the job of finding a date. I had enjoyed spending time with Spencer so much that I decided to get up the nerve and called and asked him to come. As I recall the conversation went something like this

Me - Um, hi, Spencer, what are you doing on Monday night?
Spencer - Sleeping...why?
Me - Sleep is highly over rated, come with me.
Spencer - Where?
Me - Will you just do me a favor? My cousin needs someone to double date with her and I was hoping you could come.
Spencer - Well I have to work the next morning.
Me - That's the next day...just come.
(I think I finally wore done his resolve because he finally agreed)

So, I picked Spencer up Monday night and we drove to Ogden, we got there just in time to play games with my grandparents and they brought out all the old pictures. I know bringing out the old pictures, and spending a night with your grandparents is supposed to be embarrassing, but it was so fun.

We left my grandparents house and went to my cousins house for dinner. We had chicken and rice that we ate sitting on the floor at the coffee table. My aunt spilled the rice as she brought it in, we didn't care, we just laughed.

As we were driving home I mentioned to Spencer that a few weeks before I had bought a new truck (that we were in) and we were selling my old car so if he knew anyone who was interested to let us know.

A few days later Spencer called me....but he didn't call to ask me out...or to talk, he called to inquire about the car that we were selling. He was driving a super old gas guzzler and if he wanted to have enough money to get sky diving certified (12 jumps I think it was), he couldn't spend all his money on gas. So he came over and after a little negotiating, he decided to buy the car. I got it all cleaned out, oil changed, made sure everything was ready. You have to know, this was a very old, very high school car. It was a 1984 Dodge Colt E. My sister had totaled it a few years before but my parents bought it back and made it drivable but not attractive again, and here we were 2 years later. This car had a tendency to smoke. We had talked to a mechanics, had it looked at and found that if we put a gas additive in it wouldn't smoke, it would pass emissions and it was fine. As Spencer came to pick the car up we told him about the gas additive and told him that he would need to add it so that it would pass emissions. I even bought the additive and left it in the car for him so he would just need to add it when he filled up with gas.

The next day Spencer called me at work. He was not the nice pleasant person I was crushing on. He was this mean nasty person telling me off because the POS hadn't passed emissions. I was so angry. I couldn't believe that he had called me AT WORK and was upset at me because he hadn't added the stupid stuff that I had even bought for him. I told him how stupid he was, that he should have listened in the first place, I got off the phone and I was just livid. I went home and told my parents if I never saw him again it would be too soon!

Again our story COULD have ended there. Thankfully the next day he did call and apologize and said that the car had passed emissions. We didn't talk again for a week or two when again my friend Andrea had another dance at school and wondered if we wanted to go. This time, we swapped dates, she took the guy I had taken to the last dance, and I took Spencer.

Pretty much that was it for us. We went out the next weekend, and the weekend after that, and so on for the next 8 months until Spencer left on his mission.


I dated while Spencer was gone, but no one compared. No one was Spencer. He was always a gentleman, he was always there when I needed him, he was caring, and sweet, and made sure to always tell me how important I was to him. After 2 years of dating other guys I was so thankful to have my Spencer back.

I am so glad that I ran into Spencer at a dance. I am glad that he didn't stay in California, and I am so glad that he apologized after being a turd when he bought the car...I am glad that I got the chance to get to know Spencer, and I am so thankful for the 12 wonderful years that I have known him.

Today, 12 years later, I am so thankful that I get to spend every day with my best friend.

Remember

Today, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant loss day. 8 years ago this past Monday, October 11, 2001 we said goodbye to our first angel. Instead of Thankful Thursday today I wanted to tell you a little about our life these past 8 years.

For about 5 of those years I was terribly ashamed. I felt somehow responsible, and so deeply saddened by our losses I couldn't even bring myself to talk about it. Now, 8 years later, it has changed who I am. I have mentioned so many things that I am thankful for already in my Thankful Thursday posts that relate to this. I am a woman with an amazing husband, an adorable son, and a life.

I have struggled with infertility, I still do, it's not something that goes away, it's not something that is "cured" by adoption. In our adoption education classes one of the case workers said "Adoption doesn't cure infertility, it corrects childlessness. You need to find your own closure to infertility." I still have times that I am angry, sad, and just don't understand; things are not always easy.

Because of these struggles I have become friend with two groups of friends who have helped me more then I can ever express. I talked about them a few weeks ago. Unfortunately the first group is spending tonight thinking of their little ones that left too soon also.

I am a woman who is very thankful for the angels that we have, and I am thankful for the one I have to snuggle here tonight. We have been blessed through our trials. Everyone has trials, and we don't get to chose what they are. I will be thinking of all our angels tonight. And all the angel babies that left too soon.

An entertaining discovery

While cleaning up the computer I just came across another, very entertaining discovery, but it requires a story. I fun story. The story of our engagement. I don't think I have told this story here before, and if I have, it was long ago.

Spencer came home from a mission for the LDS Church July 30, 2000. We hadn't seen each other in just over 2 years. We had written, oh man had we written! We have 2 crates full of letters to one another down in our basement. We just can't bring ourselves to get rid of them.

The first month home, we spent a whirlwind month where we spent just about every day together. We spent a few days on vacation with my family. Came home early to fly to California. Spent a week with Spencer's family then drove back to Utah for Spencer's homecoming with his parents only to turn around and drive back to California with them for the last 2 days of our time in California then we turned around and flew back home.

Spencer had everything set up to go back to school, he found a job, and he was getting back to normal life.

August 25, we planned to go hiking to Ensign Peak, but I had an emergency at work and ended up working late.

August 26, we went to the symphony under the stars, complete with 21 gun salute and a cannon accompaniment on the chorus, but it was rained out. Pouring rain. So, Spencer suggested we go out to dinner. Only problem, we were soaking wet! So we stopped by Wendy's and went through the drive-thru to get some dinner.

August 27, we were supposed to go to a missionary homecoming at Spencer's ward. Spencer didn't have a car yet so I got to his house about 10 minutes before we were supposed to be there to pick him up and he wasn't ready! How frustrating! I waited for him for about 5 minutes, his whole family left for church. I told them we would meet them there. Five more minutes and we were going to be late so I yelled down to Spencer to see if he was just about ready. He mumbled something about almost ready, just a few more minutes, something to that effect. Finally getting frustrated I went down to the front door and yelled to him that we needed to go! He finally came out and took my hand and said "Just a minute, we need to talk." So we went back upstairs and he had me sit down and he started talking.

He was telling me how we had been spending so much time since he got home, and he had really enjoyed it, but he wasn't able to focus on his schoolwork, and he was starting a job the next day. My heart started racing. He was breaking up with me! I could not believe it! I thought things had been going so well, where had I gone wrong? I was having a hard time focusing on what he was saying because I was just in shock. The shock increased when I realized that he was now down on one knee in front of the chair I was sitting on. Now my heart was really racing, I was so confused. What's going on?? Then he said the four words any woman in love wants to hear "Will you marry me?" I don't think it even took me a minute to answer. I think I said yes more than once. I remember hugging, and kissing.

Once we finally got out the door Spencer had just one request. He asked that I not tell anyone until after he spoke in my ward that day. He didn't want my dad glaring at him while he spoke. So the entire time he was speaking, I sat at the end of the row doodling on a piece of paper. As he finished I finally passed the paper down the row to my mom then told her after she saw it she could show it to the others.

The outside...

The inside.

(edited to removed my maiden name and my married name that I had in parenthesis on the bottom)

Directly following Spencer's talk (I couldn't tell you a single word that he said) there was a bagpiper playing. One of my parents neighbors said we were so loud that she could hear us over the bagpipers.

Spencer had tried to propose at sunset on Ensign Peak, at the orchestra under the stars and he just couldn't wait another week. I love our engagement story. I love all the failed attempts. I love my husband!

Revisiting Emotions

Every once in a while things will jump up and just out of no where remind me of the struggles that we have gone through. For the most part until I started this blog I was very private about everything. It has been very empowering to be able to open up about everything but I still have these occasional shocking reminders that are just hard to handle at times.

This week I have been working on moving everything from our computer to my external hard drive. This means that I have to look at old files to see if they are worth keeping. I came across an old file labeled "Journal Entry." From March 11, 2004, a few weeks after my second miscarriage. I relived the pain of that time reading the struggles that we were having. INFERTILITY SUCKS! Seriously. My heart is so heavy remembering all the hurt that I felt. I still feel it at times. I am so very thankful for the Miracle of Adoption. It has healed some of the pain.

Here were my thoughts in March, 2004.

March 11, 2004


There are so many things in my mind, I can’t sleep, so I wanted to try to get them out of my head. Recently we have had to make some very thought provoking decisions. Three weeks ago we had our second miscarriage. Until you have gone through that experience, you have no idea what a great loss it is. I used to hear people talk of Miscarriage, and I didn’t think much of it. Well, we want to have a child so badly, but the Dr is saying that we should wait at least 9 months before we try again. The last time that I had a miscarriage, I had such a hard time emotionally. This time has been better, I have been able to think things through, and I think maybe she is right. Maybe it would be better for us emotionally and physically for us to wait.

I talked to Spencer about this tonight and we have different takes on this. He doesn’t want to do anything to prevent it from happening, but I think it would be nice to have a summer without the stress of worrying if I was pregnant or not every time we go out on the boat or 4 wheelers. It’s just not something that I can express to him. But at the same time, I can understand where he is coming from, because just 2 days ago, I felt the same way. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, that I didn’t want to take her advice. Now that I’ve had a few days to think things through, I think the summer would be so good for us. Have a little us time. We can’t even commit to things a month away right now for fear that I might be pregnant, and it would change our plans.

I want to be able to plan at least for a few weeks, without the fear that something will change, and I will have to cancel, because then every time, I am just left disappointed. I hate feeling that every month. Wondering every month if I am pregnant, and almost crying every month that I am not. I wish there were some way that I could give Spencer a normal life.

I just wish there were some medical miracle that they would find that would solve all the problems that I am currently faced with, and make it so that we can have the family that we so desperately desire.

I truly believe that things happen for a reason, and that we are not tested beyond what we can take, but sometimes I wonder if the reason is that I am not a fit mother, or if it is that I am not able to withstand all that is being thrown at me right now. I know that I need to start doing more. There are a lot of things that I think, if I just improve on this, then we will be able to have children. The thing that keeps me from doing it is that I know that even if I start doing all these things that I am falling short on, it won’t change that I have poly-cystic ovary syndrome. It won’t change that I have had 2 miscarriage, and feel so lost about both of them, and it won’t change that I feel like there is a wedge being driven between me and Spencer, called Infertility. I haven’t even told pretty much anyone about this miscarriage because they didn’t know I was pregnant, and I am afraid to hear what they have to say.

I am still young, I know that, I am only 25 years old, but in Utah, that’s old to not have any kids yet. Everyone looks at you and wonders why you don’t already have 2 or 3 by 25. At least that’s the way I feel. I feel like I am justifying myself to everyone. “Oh, I have a career” “Once Spencer is out of school we’ll have kids” But really what I am saying is “Who knows if we will ever have kids, but this gives me a few more years before they ask again.” I heard a story recently of a family who couldn’t have children, and they had been married for 5 years or so, and bought a new car, and were told by people how selfish they were to spend their money on a new car instead of starting a family. I wonder if people think the same thing of us. How selfish of them, to go out and buy a new car, do all these expensive things, yet they don’t start a family.

I know most of this is just things that I can’t stop fretting about, but it helps to get them out of my head, and into word form so that I can see how silly my fears and how petty my worries are. I just want these things so much, but I also know that I need to recover emotionally so that I can get my head back on my shoulders to move on. I need to deal with things without ignoring it.

Thankful Thursday - Professionals

Today I am so thankful for Professionals. These amazing people who find something they love and make life easier for the rest of us. I for one, would never claim to be good at many things. I know I am not a contractor, I am not a plumber, electrician, framer, roofer, I will dabble in home repairs if they are minor, but I have learned I have limits. I mean I can replace a flapper, even a toilet, but when it comes to a leak, I am useless.

This week I have been overwhelmed by a number of projects that I just didn't know how to handle. The last straw was this morning when the rain is pounding I start to hear a "drip, drip, drip, drip" in my bedroom. I didn't know what to do. I certainly don't know how to fix a roof, I don't even know where to start. (I mean I know you get on the roof, but how do I know where to look for a leak?) My wonderful, sweet husband can help when it comes to numbers. Sprinklers he can do, but roofs are beyond his area of expertise too.

It made me realize, Spencer spent 6 years going to school so that he could do accounting. I had to go to school for 2000 hours to be able to do hair. If you came to me with a hair emergency, that I could handle. If you presented Spencer with a tax problem, he could work with that, so we needed someone who understood exactly what it took to fix a roof.

Thankfully there are some amazingly talented people out there who know about roofs. We found one such person who was willing to come and within minutes he had the drip located and stopped.

I have learned that there are people who have special talents and skills, and everyone has different interests. This is a very good thing. If we all liked the same things, we would all be in trouble. I am so very thankful that there was someone who could help me with my problem today.

Stay with me

Lately I find myself humming songs, (sometimes I find myself singing out which is not pretty!) and if I am not humming they are definitely running through my head. Songs I haven't heard in years. I find so much solace in their lyrics. Today as I was cleaning the house I had a song I probably haven't heard it 10+ years running through my head. I had to find the lyrics online and when I found them the song was even better. There were only small parts, snippits running through my head. I love songs, they always say so well the things that you feel, even feelings that you didn't know were there you hear them and you think "How did you know that was exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment?"

Stay with Me

By - Michael McLean

Every story has an ending
Even when it can’t be told
And every broken heart starts mending
When it finds shelter from the cold.
I’ve heard a window always opens
When the doors have all been closed
And though I know it’s true
I need my light to see me through
And Lord I need you to

Stay with me
Just until my heart recovers
Stay with me
It’s a lonely thing to suffer
Tell my how the heartache I feel now will go away
Someday
Maybe we just might find the answer
that will carry me
like an awkward dancer on a crowded floor
I’ll learn to dance once more
Someday
If you just stay

Isn't that perfect? I think everyone has something they can apply this too. Everyone has had heartache, everyone has had struggles, and we all have times that we need to be carried. I am so thankful there are these amazing lyricists and authors who can express the feelings that we have all felt.

The Test

Today I have had this song in my head all day.

The Test

Janice Kapp Perry

Tell me friend, why are you blind?
Why doesn’t he who works the miracles send light into your eyes?
Tell me friend, if you understand, why doesn’t He with power to raise
the dead just make you whole again?
It would be so easy for Him.
I watch you and in sorrow and question why.
And you my friend in perfect faith reply.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

Tell me friend, I see your pain.
Why when you pray in faith for healing,
does the crippling thorn remain?
Help me see, if you understand, why doesn’t he who healed
the lame man come with healing in his wings.
It would be so easy for Him.
I watch you and in sorrow question why?
And you my friend, in perfect faith reply.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

Tell me now, why must you die?
Why must your loved ones stand with empty arms,
and ask the question why?
Help me know, so I can go on.
How when your love and faith sustained me,
can the precious gift be gone?
From the depths of sorrow I cry,
though pains of grief within my soul arrive.
The whisperings of the Spirit still my cry.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

Thankful Thursday

I realized this blog has turned into a Thankful Thursday blog, so I need to start posting other than on Thursdays. This doesn't help today though, because once again it's Thursday.

Last week I was starting to fall into the rut again and starting to wonder what I had to be thankful for. I always want to have something huge and important to be thankful for, but the fact of the matter is that it's the little things that really add up and make all the big things possible.

About a month ago our family started having Family Home Evenings. Family Home Evenings are Monday nights, they are encouraged by our church as a time for families to study the gospel together and to do other activities that strengthen the family spiritually, create family memories, and increase unity and love.

We decided that we wanted to start simple, the first week we went to the park with a pizza and a simple children's book that we have with scripture stories to share with Roman. It was so much fun. I realized what we have been missing out on by not having Family Home Evenings all along. I was worried that Roman was too young, that he wouldn't understand, that I wouldn't know what to do. So many worries but they were all unfounded. So far they have all been simple but what a fun time for us to spend together as a family. I look forward to many years of fun family nights on Monday nights. I love spending time together as a family, and I love the closeness that it brings to our family.

I am so thankful that we are taking the time now to start this so that when Roman gets older it's not something we have to find a time for, it's already there, and it's GREAT!

Thankful Thursday

Today I wanted to thank 2 special groups of friends.

The first I found about 6 1/2 years ago after our second miscarriage. I was dealing with so many emotions and really didn't know where to turn. That's when I found the Multiple Miscarriage group on Babycenter. It helped so much to have someone to talk to who understood what we were going through at the time. I don't know them in real life but consider them some of my best friends because they have been there with us through so much. Even now they are just so understanding and just get it. They are there when I need advice, to just vent, or to just be silly with.

The second group I found about 6 months later, also on Babycenter. It was on the LDS Families board. It was a group for women, LDS Women who have struggled with infertility. Again, it was nice to find a group who understood and have been there for us. Because a few live nearby (and a few have been here to visit) we have had a chance to get to know a number of these woman. I love them all so much.

It has been a miracle to watch these woman (from both groups) go on to have families, through all different resources.

I am so thankful for the love and support that they have shown us. I am thankful for the friendships we have formed, and I am thankful that I have the opportunity to call these women my friends!