National Adoption Month - Types of adoption

November is National Adoption Month! I have to admit I am very excited about it. I know I am not the best blogger when it comes to this blog, but I am going to try to keep this blog going on a more regular basis this month.

I thought I would start by talking about different types of adoption. Adoptions have changed so much even in the past 10 years. There are three basic types of domestic adoptions. International adoptions vary by country.

I found the information that I am posting on www.adoptions.com and thought it was a good summary of types of adoptions and providing additional information.

Closed Adoptions: This is the most traditional type of adoption that is still used today, but is rapidly declining in popularity as the focus in the relationships between adoptive parents and birth parents is shifting from the lack of information and total confidentiality, to shared information and privacy. In these adoptions, the birth family and the adoptive family do not share any identifying information about themselves, and do not communicate with each other, either before or after the placement of the child. The adoptive family will, however, receive non-identifying health and other background information about the child and the birth family before the placement takes place. The birth parents may also receive non-identifying information about the adoptive parents. The adoption files will be sealed after the adoption, and typically are never made available to the adopted child.

Find more information on Closed Adoptions

Semi-Open Adoptions: A form of adoption that is intentionally designed to be a combination of a more traditional closed adoption and a more progressive open adoption, with the emphasis being on the "privacy" of all parties, rather than on "confidentially." Direct communication after the adoption is more limited, in the fashion that is agreed by the parties to be beneficial for everyone. Last names, addresses, and telephone numbers are usually not exchanged, while the sharing of photographs or other information for an agreed frequency and duration is common. All communication takes place through a third party, which is usually an adoption agency, an adoption attorney or a designated intermediary.

Find more information on Semi-Open Adoptions

Open Adoption: Every adoption of this type will be different, based on the type of relationship that the birth parents and the adoptive parents have agreed to. Both identifying and non-identifying information about the adoptive parents and the birth parents is shared with each other, which can include last names, addresses, and telephone numbers. In some open adoptions, the birth parent and the adoptive family know each other and have ongoing communication about the child. If the parents on both sides agree, the adoptive parents may even be allowed to be present for the delivery of the child, thus allowing them to vicariously share in the birthing process. Neither the birth parents nor the adoptive parents are forced to participate in an open adoption if that is not what they are comfortable with. Although there is some disagreement on the subject, it is suggested that the child, and thus the adoptive parents that will be raising the child, are the primary beneficiaries of some of the most significant benefits that can result from an open adoption.

Find more information on Open Adoption

Open or Closed Adoption: Pros of Each

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	Confidential Adoptions (Closed)	Mediated (Semi-Open)	Open Adoptions
	No contact between birth and adoptive families. No identifying information is provided. Only nonidentifying information (e.g., height, hair color, medical history, etc.) is provided through a third party (e.g., agency or attorney).	Nonidentifying contact is made (via cards, letters, pictures) through a third party (e.g., agency or attorney).	Direct interaction between birth and adoptive families. Identities are known.
Birth Parents	Provides real choice for birth parents when compared to open adoption. Privacy. Some feel this provides a sense of closure and ability to move on with life.	Allows for some information transfer between birth and adoptive parents (and perhaps the child). Some privacy.	Increased ability to deal with grief and loss. Comfort in knowing child's well-being. Sense of control over decision-making in placement. Potential for more fully defined role in child's life. Potential to develop a healthy relationship with the child as he or she grows. Less pain and guilt about the decision. May make the decision to place for adoption easier (compared to a contested termination of parental rights trial).
Adoptive Parents	No need to physically share the child with birth parents. No danger of birth parent interference or co-parenting.	Greater sense of control over process. Roles may be more clearly defined than in either confidential or open options. Increased sense of entitlement compared to confidential adoptions. Enhanced ability to answer child's questions about his or her history.	Increased sense of having the "right" to parent and increased ability for confident parenting. Potential for authentic relationship with the birth family. More understanding of children's history. Increased empathy for birth parents. Less fear of birth parents reclaiming child because they know the parent and their wishes. Delight of being "chosen" as a parent.
Adopted Persons	Protection from unstable or emotionally disturbed birth parents.	Only true when relationship is "shared" with the adopted child
		Genetic and birth history known. Birthparents are "real" not "fantasy." Positive adjustment is promoted in adoptee.	Direct access to birth parents and history. Need to search is eliminated. Identity questions are answered (Who do I look like? Why was I placed?). Eases feelings of abandonment. Lessening of fantasies: birth parents are "real." Increased circle of supportive adults. Increased attachment to adoptive family (especially if the birth parents support the placement). Preservation of connections (e.g., with siblings, relatives). Lessens loyalty conflicts (according to recent research). Exposure to racial and ethnic heritage. Ability for evolving, dynamic, and developmentally appropriate account of the adoption.

From the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (U.S. Department of Health & Human Services)

We have an open adoption and it has been a huge blessing to us, our son, and his birthmother. We have been able to keep in touch with her through e-mail and we have a blog that I update with pictures and fun stories about him. We have seen her so many times I've lost count, probably 7 or 8 times in 16 months. We have loved the open relationship that we have. A few months ago I did a Q&A on our open adoption post where I answered questions on how open adoption has been for us. I could (and probably should) write another with more questions and concerns people have voiced. The bottom line is that you have to do what is best for you, your family, and what is in the child's best interest (That's what adoption is all about anyway). For us Open adoption has been GREAT!

Ever have one of those nights?

Do you ever have one of those nights where you sit up wondering about EVERYTHING? Literally everything. Tonight is one of those nights for me.

I wonder how I am doing as a parent.
I wonder if I am doing everything I should, should he know his alphabet yet?
Do I teach him enough?
I wonder if I am letting him be independent enough.
I wonder if I am dependable enough.

I wonder how his Mommy Katie is. (worry about her is more like it, we love her so much and just want everything to be perfect for her!)
I wonder about our future birthmother(s).
I wonder if they are okay.
I wonder if they are already struggling with hard decisions in their life.

I wonder why some of us need to be tested to the point that we feel like we are going to break.
I wonder why one person's trial is a blessing for another.
I wonder how many lives that blessing truly blesses (I can't even begin to count how many lives Roman has blessed!).

Obviously I am not the only person who has had a night like this. I think of the song "Just a few Questions" by Clay Walker

How in this world can we put a man on the moon,
And still have a need for a place like St Jude's?
And why is one man born,
In a place where all they know is war?
And a guy like me,
Has always been free.

And how can two people who built a loving home,
Try for years and never have a child of their own?
When somewhere out there tonight,
There's a baby no-one's holding tight:
In need of love.
To me, that don't add up.

But I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

And why did my cousin have to die in that crash?
A good kid, only seventeen, I still wonder about that.
It seems unfair to me,
Some get the chance to chase their dreams,
And some don't.
But what do I know?

I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

Why do I feel like you hear these prayers of mine.
When so many oughta be ahead of me in line?
When you look down on me,
Can you see the good through all the bad?
These just a few questions I have.

I told him. . .and he took it well

Today I had to have my car serviced. It was going to take a few hours so Roman and I rode Trax downtown and had lunch with Spencer then went to the Gateway and spent a few hours shopping. As we were finished shopping I called the dealership and it was going to be a few more hours before the car was done. I was getting pretty tired from walking everywhere pushing a stroller. I decided we would go over to Temple Square for a while, look at the flowers, the fountains, just waste a little more time.

As we got to Temple Square we went over to the fountain and of course Roman wanted to play in the water. As we sat down there I started thinking about the temple, and everything that has happened in our life over the past year and a half. I sat down next to Roman and started talking to him about our adoption, his mommy Katie, how special he is and how special it was when we were sealed to him. Thankfully he isn't old enough to be embarrassed by his mother crying in public (because I totally was). After we were done talking I told him how much I love him and that I was so happy he was part of our family and he said "okay" and let me cuddle him for a few minutes. I hope we can have more conversations like this, lots more!

I get by with a little help from my friends!

I have some amazing friends, who have helped us so much in getting things ready to adopt again. My friend Liz told me of a website that we could do digital scrapbook pages for our photo pages for our adoption profile. She sat on the phone with me for over an hour walking me through how to use the program, and we finished my first page. It turned out great. I sent it to be printed and it was grainy. I talked to my friend Sarah and unfortunately the program that we had used doesn't have an option to increase the size so we had to redo it. I don't have a program to digital scrapbook so Sarah took the pages and recreated them (perfectly I might add).

The only thing we are waiting on now is Spencer's doctors appointment on Friday and we are ready to go


(We had the family pictures on the first page taken a few weeks ago by our friend Kim. If you want to see full size of the pictures she has them on her website. She is amazing!)

We have taken the leap, just waiting for the offical approval!

Last Wednesday we had our homestudy so now we are just waiting for the word from the agency that we are officially waiting (Finding).

It has been so much easier for me to go through to motions of getting everything ready this time because I knew what to expect. It was not stepping out into the unknown. We knew that we had interviews, questionnaires, physicals, background checks, and homestudy. It was so much easier, and I was so much more at ease.

I have been amazed the peace that has come over me the past few months that this is all in the Lord's hands. I know that if it were up to me, I wouldn't be able to do this, but with God I have learned that anything is possible.

I know that as I was talking about our last adoption I mentioned that LDS Family Services encourages families to find their birthmother. Right now there are so many more adoptive couples than birthmothers in Utah. Last time I heard it was something like 7 adoptive couples to each birthmother. This means that every couple needs to be proactive.

How can we be proactive you ask? That's where you (anyone, everyone) can help! If you know of a birthmother who may be interested in placing her child for adoption or just wants more information about her options before making a decision, please have her call LDS Family Services and ask for an appointment with one of the social workers. If she is interested, she can learn more about us by viewing our adoption blog at http://www.spencerandwendy.blogspot.com/.

We are excited to welcome a new member to our family! Thanks for all the support that you have all given us! We are anxious to embark on this new adventure!

Let His Love Reach You

There is hope
For every soul that’s lost.
There is a way back home.
No matter where you roam.
Let His love heal you and lead you there.

There’s a place for every heart in pain.
A place where there’s no hurt.
And there’s no shame.
Let His love reach you.
And teach you.
Every hour.

By: Michael McLean

How has my life changed since becoming a mom?

We are just working on interviews and our homestudy to begin our second adoption. Last week we went in for individual interviews with our caseworker. She asked a few questions that I have really been pondering over the last week. The one that I have spent the most time thinking about is "How has my life changed since becoming a mom?" How has my life NOT changed.



I went to my parents house that morning after our interview to help my sister and before we could leave I had to make sure that Roman had a nap. I realized that was a huge change. My life now revolves around nap time. Nap time is something sacred, not to be messed with. I never understood this before. When it was someone elses child (most especially my nieces) I would always tell my sister just to skip it, just once.



After Roman woke from his nap we went to run a few errands, as we got in the car there were a few obvious things that have changed. 1- we have a bigger car. I drove a Honda Civic until this past March when it was replaced by an SUV. So much more room for so much more stuff. Who knew that someone so small could need so many things that are so big.



2- There are so many things that are required to leave the house. You have the baby, the diaper bag, sippy cup, lovey (in our case this is Bob the giraffe, thankfully we have one that stays in the car), blanket if you are going to be gone over nap time, food, and of course car toys. Car toys are another thing that I never understood before. How is it that a child can have 100 toys at home, but need a whole other set of toys for in the car? You don't mess with the car toys. They are serious lifesavers! Especially when you are stuck in traffic. 3- carseats. I have become a huge fan of carseats, especially great carseats. I find myself admiring carseats in other cars (Is there something wrong with me?) I love to talk to people about carseats, and have given others advice on which carseats to buy.



Like the car toys there are three other sets of toys that again are completely separate and not to be messed with. The diaper bag toys (brought out only on outings when you are out of the car and don't need car toys), the tub toys (only to be used in the tub, or at least to be kept in the bathroom), and the outside toys. Who knew there were so many different kinds of toys you would NEED.



Then it comes to the kitchen. Our kitchen seemed pretty full before Roman was born, we lived in our house for about 6 years before he joined our family. It's funny now, I honestly can't remember what we had where we now keep the bottles, sippy cups, silverware, bowls, heck, we even have different food for him, all with it's own cupboard.



Next is my schedule. I used to be to work at the latest at 7:30 in the morning, my job was 30 minutes away, which meant I had to leave the house at the latest at 7:00, sometimes we were there as early as 6:00, that was hard! Why does it seem so much harder to get up at 6:00 now?

I used to work in the office 2-4 days a week and from home the other days. I am now a stay at home mom, but I don't seem to have anymore time, in fact sometimes it feels like I have less time and my house is messier (oh yeah, I have a few little hands to help with that).



So I know this was just a rambling but as I said I have been thinking about this a lot. . .so to answer the questions "How has my life changed since becoming a mom?" It has completely changed, and I wouldn't change it back for anything!

I'm adopted too!

This weekend while we out of town for the FSA conference we stayed with Spencer's step-sister and her family. They have the cutest kids and it was so much fun to see them again! We saw them last summer when Roman was born, but hadn't seen them in over a year. Stephanie and Adam were married for about 8 years and went through all the heartache to begin their family and finally decided to adopt. They didn't wait long and their lives were blessed with a beautiful baby boy with striking blue eyes and a winning smile. Fast forward 5 years and he is a smart amazing little boy with 4 younger siblings (apparently Peter just needed to join the family before the others could come along, he is the best big brother! He was made for the role). He is such a great big brother, and so polite.

We got to their house late Saturday night so all the kids were already gone to bed before we got there. Sunday morning as we were getting ready for church Peter was sitting there playing with Roman as I fed him a banana and I told Peter that Roman was adopted too. It took him a minute and I saw him make the connection and his eyes just lit up. We talked about it for a few minutes and I told him that Roman was born there and we had come so that we could see his birthmom, he was just so excited.

Watching that light just brighten his eyes made my day but after that Peter just had a connection with Roman. He wanted to play with him all the time, he was always bringing him toys and was just his little guardian.

This morning as we were getting ready to come home we had to leave their house around 7:30 to make it to the airport in time. I was trying to hurry and get Roman fed and dressed and everything to the car. I kept asking Roman to finish his bottle and Peter asked "can he finish his bottle in the car so we can play for a few more minutes please?" How could I say no to that?

I hope that Roman can always have this bond with his cousin! They are such super special boys!

Weekend Travel

Do you ever feel like you are supposed to do something and you have to prove that you are doing it and thankfully Heavenly Father helps you get there, but you have to prove that you really want it? That was this weekend for me!

This past weekend we went to surprise Mommy Katie at her Regional FSA Conference. It all just happened, airfare was amazing, rental car amazing, I couldn't overlook all the things falling into place I knew we needed to go. It ended up just me and Roman that went, and I was pretty nervous about it but I guess I should have realized if we were really supposed to be there Heavenly Father would take care of everything.

He took care of things by sending angels to watch over us in the form of other weary travelers. Somehow before we even knew that we were going Heavenly Father did and he had our Relief Society President on our flight to help us get out there. He found a woman with a tender heart who could help us with our luggage. He found a family going on vacation who were willing to help us get to the rental car counter, and another husband/wife to help us get to the rental car. I know there are generous people out there, people who are willing to help, but I also know that it was a miracle that we had so many sweet people who helped us get there.

We finally got to the campus the conference was being held at and there was road construction everywhere, thankfully yet another angel came to our rescue and talked to us on the phone and talked me through every turn so that we could make it!

Why was it so important that we get there? I don't 100% know the answer to that. I think we needed to be there to support Katie, I think I needed to hear her story as much as a lot of the other people. I think we needed to bear witness with our presence of our love for Katie and show others the beauty of open adoptions.

I am just so thankful for the Angels that were among us this weekend! (Including Roman's Angel Mommy Katie!)

One year as a mother

Friday my little man turned one. I have spent a lot of time reflecting over the past year, two years, eight years, ten years. This year has been absolutely amazing. I still have time that I look at this sweet little boy and can't believe that I am his mother.



Ten years ago Spencer and I had been dating for almost a year and he was getting ready to leave on a mission. We had our whole lives ahead of us filled with so many dreams. We didn't know where our lives would take us, but we knew that we had strong feelings for each other and that we wanted to spend our lives together.

Eight years ago (next month actually) Spencer climbed off a plane in Salt Lake, tan, smiling, and ready to conquer the world. Thankfully our love had survived those 2 years and we were able to begin our life together.

Two years ago I wondered if Heavenly Father even remembered me. We had waited so long, and had endured so much, I just needed the reassurance that he was there, he knew me, and that he hadn't forgotten about our little family.

One year ago I was living in a hotel with a newborn little boy, spending as much time as we could (when we weren't sleeping) with his Mommy Katie. I felt so much and I still feel so much that I can't explain, and don't really understand completely. Having that sweet baby in my arms was such a blessing and it was terrifying. He was completely dependant on us for everything.

Over the past year he has grown so much. He has become so much more independent than I ever imagined. He will tell me no just because he can. He goes full speed and loves being around people. He gives the best hugs and kisses anyone could ever ask for. He is smart, and funny (and he knows it).

Thinking back over the past year the day that I think was the most special, more so than placement day, finalization, his birthday, was the day that we were sealed as a family. It was the perfect day. I think of us all dressed in white at the alter. We struggled for so long to decide who to have hold Roman and we finally asked Katie if she would hold him for the sealing. It made that day so much more meaningful.

This year has been filled with so many blessings, I am thankful that Heavenly Father remembered our family. He blessed us with the sweetest boy, the most amazing mommy Katie, and loving family and friends.

Huge breath and even bigger leap of faith!

I have been waiting for a week, two weeks maybe to post that I started this blog. I guess I have waited because we haven't officially done anything with LDS Family Services because we can't until next month when Roman turns one. I think part of it is that I am scared. I feel like I am jumping off a cliff again. I can't tell if there is a bottom, and it's scary. I feel so much different than I did the first time though. The first time I didn't know what to expect. This time I do (a tiny bit, even though it can be so different every time). Last time I was scared to tell anyone that we were adopting, this time I want everyone who will listen to know! I am also scared that I won't know what to do with TWO children. I know that if it is supposed to happen, it will, I was scared how I would handle one, Heavenly Father really has taken care of our family!

We had originally planned to wait until Roman was 18 months old to turn in adoption paperwork for a second adoption. I love where we are at. I love watching Roman grow and learn things, and I was content to wait. Unfortunately, after a few weeks of this gnawing feeling, I finally talked to Spencer and he had the same feeling. We need to get things started again. Why? We don't know! For all we know it could take 3 years again, but we know that we are doing everything that we can and it's out of our hands. We know that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family, and we are doing what he asked us to do, and he will take care of us. (Please someone remind me of this when I get worried about this all later!)

So if any of you out there know of anyone who is thinking of placing a baby for adoption, or if you feel like posting a box on your blog so others can see our information. We won't have anything done officially for probably a month and a half but I have had this feeling all day that says "get with the program, you have the blog done (mostly), get it posted!" So here's to following promptings, or the spirit, or whatever this may be. I am sure my stomach will be in knots now for weeks because I made the jump but like I said, we are just doing what we can and leaving the rest in the Lord's hands!

Placement

I recently read my blog and realized I never finished telling our adoption story. I decided as we are approaching Roman's first birthday that I should complete our story as we are preparing to begin our next adventure.

As I mentioned a few months ago, we were able to somehow (I know that we had heavenly help) make it before Roman was born. I forgot to mention, while I was in the room when Roman was born, Spencer had to wait in the waiting room. He was pacing the halls as much as he was waiting in the waiting room. Finally after about an hour Spencer was able to come into the room and see Roman for the first time.

It was after 11:00 pm when Spencer was finally able to see Roman. We left the hospital around midnight to go find our hotel. Thursday we were able to go see Katie and Roman in the hospital for about an hour, but we tried to let that be her day with him.

Because Roman was born so late (9:43 pm) the doctors said Katie would either be released Thursday night (late) or Friday morning. She chose Friday morning to give herself a little more time to heal, and a little more time with Roman.

Friday morning I felt so many emotions. I think time slowed down that morning. 10:00 felt like it was never going to get there. As we were getting ready to leave for the hospital Katie's caseworker, Jason, called us and asked if we would bring an outfit for Roman because he had already made a mess in the one Katie had for him. We met Jason in the hospital lobby to fill out foster care paperwork and to give him Roman's clothes. (The state Roman was born in requires 72 hours before a birthmother can relinquish parental rights, so until then we would be his foster parents.)

We waited while Jason went up to see Katie and to give her the clothes for Roman. We went in and took a few pictures then stepped out to give Katie a chance to feed Roman and just so that she was able to spend a few more minutes alone with him.


We all walked down to the lobby together Katie, Roman and I waited in the lobby while Spencer and Katie's mom went to get the cars. We walked out of the hospital together. Katie gave Roman another kiss, Katie and I hugged and I thanked her, then we followed each other to the freeway, they went one direction, we went the other.


We had official placement at the LDS Family Services office Sunday morning. We met at the agency. Katie was already there and had already signed her paperwork. We went in and signed paperwork then went into the conference room and visited with Katie and her mom. We sat and visited for about 30-45 minutes but felt bad that we were making them work on a Sunday so we left the agency and went to Cheesecake Factory for lunch.


I realized at that lunch that Katie would always be a part of our lives. She made me a mother, and for that I am eternally thankful. Roman made her a birthmother, and we hope that she will always be a huge part of his life as she is now!

Happy Mother's Day

I posted this on Roman's blog for Mother's Day but decided that I wanted to repost it here as well.

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.
And now you ask me, through your tears,
the age-old question unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love.

© Author Unknown

Mother's Day Talk

Some of you may (or may not) wonder what was up with all the articles that I posted about being a mother. Well, I really did just love them and want to share them, but the reason I was even looking was because I was asked to speak on Mother's Day in our ward. I wanted to say the right things. I wanted to honor mothers, but not focus on how great it is to be a mother because those were the talks that hurt me so much when I was childless.

I was surprised this week how hard it was for me to approach Mother's day. I realized that 7 years of pain doesn't just go away over night. It was still there, but not just for me now. I was really hurting for Katie. I wanted to make this a special year for her, but at the same time I didn't want to rub it in her face. I wanted her to know how much we love her, but how do you say that?

I was hurting for the childless mother's around us. I am so much more aware of these women since starting to do adoption advocacy, my heart just aches for these women.

My heart hurts for the birthmother's of closed adoptions.

Lastly I thought of the sweet babies that I never met and all the other sweet little angels that so many other women have not been able to hold.

I prayed more than I have ever prayed over writing a talk and re-wrote my talk probably 5 times in the last 2 weeks. I still feel like it was a bit of a jumbled mess. . .but here is my talk in all it's glory.

I was asked to speak today about the joy of motherhood, but also on the journey that we took for me to become a mother.

I found a few amazing talks that really shared how I feel. First is by President Thomas S Monson from a conference address in April 1998. He says:

It may safely be assumed that no person has ever lived entirely free of suffering and tribulation, nor has there ever been a period in human history that did not have its full share of turmoil, ruin, and misery.

When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn, there is the temptation to ask the question “Why me?” Self-incrimination is a common practice, even when we may have had no control over our difficulty. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end, no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea “Is there no balm in Gilead?” We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone.

To all who so despair, may I offer the assurance found in the psalm “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”

As most of you know Roman is the answer to so many prayers. He is the joy that came in the morning for us. Over the past 7 years, I can now say that the weeping only did endure for a night and Roman is such a joy, but I felt many of the feelings that President Monson expressed. There were so many times that I thought “Why me?”

I think almost every woman dreams of being a mother. I had always dreamt of having a family. We bought our house after we had been married about 6 months and a few months later I was ready to have children. Unfortunately it wasn’t that simple for us. After about 4 years of heartache I felt exactly what President Monson said surrounded by pain of a broken heart, disappointed by shattered dreams, despair of vanished hopes, and most of all broken.

Thankfully President Monson continued with his talk. He said:

Whenever we are inclined to feel burdened down with the blows of life, let us remember that others have passed the same way, have endured, and then have overcome.

There seems to be an unending supply of trouble for one and all. Our problem is that we often expect instantaneous solutions, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required.

From the bed of pain, from the pillow wet with tears, we are lifted heavenward by that divine assurance and precious promise “I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who had a plan for me and my family. He did not fail me. I just wish he would have told me a little sooner that he had a plan for our family and he was taking care of things on his time.

I am so thankful for the gift of adoption. It has mended broken hearts, repaired shattered dreams, and we again have hope for a bright future with a beautiful boy who blesses our life so much every day.


Elder Russell M Nelson gave another great talk in October 1987 he said:

For you childless sisters and those without companions, remember the eternal timetable of the Lord is much longer than the lonely hours of your preparation or the total of this mortal life. These are only as microseconds when compared to eternity. Your willingness and worthiness are surely known to Him. The spiritual rewards of motherhood are available to all women. Nurturing the young, comforting the frightened, protecting the vulnerable, teaching and giving encouragement need not—and should not—be limited to our own children.

There are so many opportunities that we have to nurture children, even if they are not our own. There are women whose husbands are in the bishopric or don't come to church that need help with little ones. I've seen childless mothers reach out to them during sacrament. These women can be good examples of what children in the ward can grow up to be...good wives, successful career women, or caring people (or all 3!).

These women can magnify their callings... in young womens, primary, scouting, or achievement days. We can also be examples to nieces, nephews, cousins.

Elder Nelson continued: Sisters, be patient. I know something of the pressures you feel. Your kitchens are too small. Your budgets are too tight. Demands upon you exceed your capacity to help all who cry out to you. Through it all, “Improve the shining moments; Don’t let them pass you by” (Hymns, 1985, no. 226). Take time for spiritual regeneration.

I’ll share a few lines that have sustained Sister Nelson through the years. They also reflect her sense of priority:

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait ’til tomorrow.
For babies grow up, We’ve learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby, And babies don’t keep.

I’m glad Sister Nelson has not tried to be a “supermom.” But she has been a “soothing” mom. This she has done simply by being herself.

When priorities are in place, one can more patiently tolerate unfinished business. “Time flies on wings of lightning; We cannot call it back” (Hymns, 1985, no. 226). And while it passes, remember the precious eternal perspective. As you faithfully endure to the end, you will gain rewards promised by your Father in Heaven.

I had never heard the poem that Elder Nelson shared but it is so true. Roman is almost a year old already. Sometimes I look at him and I can’t believe how big he is. Where did the tiny baby go? “time flies on the wings of lightning; we cannot call it back.” I have learned that I need to take every moment I can to spend with Roman because he won’t be little for long. Dishes will wait, they won’t go anywhere; laundry can sit for a few minutes. Now I am not encouraging you to neglect your homes, I am just saying sometimes it is okay to take time for little ones.

I would like to end with a few words from Sheri Dew from the October 2001 conference.

When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman’s most sacred role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living” —and they did so before she ever bore a child…Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.

The subject of motherhood is a very tender one, for it evokes some of our greatest joys and heartaches. This has been so from the beginning. Eve was “glad” after the Fall, realizing she otherwise “never should have had seed.” And yet, imagine her anguish over Cain and Abel. Some mothers experience pain because of the children they have borne; others feel pain because they do not bear children here. About this Elder John A. Widtsoe was explicit: “Women who through no fault of their own cannot exercise the gift of motherhood directly, may do so vicariously.”

For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led.

As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation. How will our young women learn to live as women of God unless they see what women of God look like, meaning what we wear, watch, and read; how we fill our time and our minds; how we face temptation and uncertainty; where we find true joy; and why modesty and femininity are hallmarks of righteous women? How will our young men learn to value women of God if we don’t show them the virtue of our virtues?

Q&A on our open adoption

We have had a lot of questions about how open adoptions work and how ours has worked, and just questions and general concerns. We were able to visit with Mommy Katie again this week so I thought this would be a great opportunity to answer questions that we have had asked. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. If I don't know the answer it's probably a great question that I should consider.

Q - What is an open adoption?

A - Open adoption is a term generally used to describe a variety of arrangements allowing for ongoing contact. The level of openness in any relationship varies widely. Degrees of open arrangements span from mediated contact, which implies letters and photographs sent through a third party (so that the adoptive family can maintain privacy), to full disclosure of the adoptive family's personal information. In fully open adoptions, there is actual physical contact, through meetings and visits between the birth family and the adoptive family.

We have a very open adoption. We send e-mails weekly, we e-mail pictures and send pictures whenever we have them taken professionally through the mail, and have face to face visits (so far the visits have been about every 3 months, but we don't have a set schedule, it's just whenever they happen)

Q - How did you decide on an open adoption?

A - Our contact started outside the agency and very open so it would have been silly to try to have a closed adoption after already knowing so much and being so open with Katie. Katie told us from the start that she wanted an open adoption and we were fine with that. Every situation is different but for us this was the right decision. There are situations where an open adoption may not be the best option, it is a very personal decision for the adoptive couple and for the birth parents.

Q - Are you afraid that he will be confused by having an open adoption?

A -Roman knows that Katie loves him and cared enough to want the very best for him. She made a beautiful book for Roman explaining why she chose adoption. The best part about having an open adoption is if Roman has questions that we can not answer when he is older, he can ask her.

Q - When do you plan on telling Roman that he is adopted?

A - He already knows. Rather than deciding on a day or an age we decided that he will always know that he is adopted, that it is part of who he is. It doesn't make him any different, and we make sure that it's a positive thing. My husband recently realized that it really bothers him when children teasing each other say "well you're adopted." It's not a bad thing. It can be a very good thing.

Q - How do you refer to his birthmother? Do you call her mom, Katie, do you have a name that you call her?

A - Every family is different in what they call their child's birthmother. We decided that until Roman can decide on his own we are going to call Katie "Mommy Katie." Once he is old enough to decide he can choose what he wants to call her, as long as it is respectful.

Q - Are you afraid he will be confused by having two mom's?

A - While Roman does have two mom's, I am his mom and Katie is his "Mommy Katie" more in the role of a favorite aunt.

Q - Are you afraid Katie will want Roman back?

A - No. By having an open adoption she is able to see that he is healthy and happy and that is what she wanted for him. That is why she chose an adoption plan. By having an open relationship I am less concerned about that than I would be with a closed adoption because we know that she is happy with her decision.

Q - Are you afraid when Roman is older he will tell you that you are not his "real" mom?

A - I think that is something that can happen whether a child is adopted or not. The bottom line is I am his real mom, just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean that I am not his mother.

Q - Are you afraid that he will want to go live with his "real" mom when he is older?

A - He already lives with his real mom.

Q - Are you ever nervous or do you feel judged (by his birthmom) because you have an open adoption?

A - At first I was really nervous that Katie wouldn't approve of how I was as a mother, but as I have gotten more comfortable as a mother I have realized that we both want what is best for Roman and hopefully she can see that I am trying to do what is best for him.

If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask. As I said before, I am happy to answer questions on adoption.